Movie Ripoffs, Act I: Bite Me!
by Idiosyncrasy101
Summary: It's better than it sounds. It's funny. It's frickin' HILARIOUS. If you like comedy. And if you don't....why are you still HERE? OOCness. SHOUNENAI. Ripoff of The Princess Bride!
1. Casting Lists and Intros

DISCLAIMER: I despise saying this over and over, so this is the first and last time: I DON'T OWN A THING!

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BEHIND THE SCENES:

_Director_: Li Celestia (the leader…why? Is she…really? Okay…and those are HER words, not mine. She wrote it, I just help supply ideas occasionally and type all the time.

_Writer:_ Ava (co-writer)

_Script Adapter_: Adara (a.k.a. The Person Who Types)

_Casting directors_: Li Celestia and Ava

_Editor_: Adara

_Workers:_ Random chibis

CAST:

_Wesley_: Hiei

_Inigo Montoya: _Chu

_Prince Humperdink_: Karasu

_Count Tyrone Rugen_: Bui

_Vizzini_: Sakyou

_Fezzik_: Kuwabara

_The Grandson:_ Shura

_Buttercup_: Kurama

_The Grandfather_: Yomi

_The Clergyman_: Suzaku

_The Albino_: Shishi Wakamaru

_Miracle Max_: Yusuke

_Valerie (Miracle Max's Wife)_: Keiko

_The Ancient Booer In The Dream_: Genkai

_Yellin (The Guy With The Gate Key): _Roto (the guy that Kurama fought in the first round of the Dark Tournament with the big, pretty red button)

_The King and Queen_: Koenma and Boton

_The Mother_: Yukina

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"What _is_ this?" Shura gasped, pressing his hands over his ears and staring at the TV screen in front of him, which showed the final scene of Final Fantasy IX, watching as Garnet left her pendant behind on the ground and tore down the palace steps, throwing off her crown. "What! Is! Thi—WAHHHHH!" On the screen, Garnet leapt into Zidane's arms. The two stared deeply into each other's eyes. The boy in the bed watched, wide-eyed. "I played through this _whole_ game! For _this_!" he ranted, flicking off his Playstation2.

Yukina, Shura's mother, walked in. "Shura, what are you yelling about in here?"

"…Nothing…" he said from under his pillow. "Just mourning the death of my free time."

"Are you feeling all right, dear? I means, I know you're sick, but—"

"If you mean 'throwey-uppey' sick, then no, I am _not_ okay!"

Yukina laughed. "Well, you have a visitor. Maybe he'll make you feel better."

"About my loss of stupid time playing a stupid game for ninety-three hours, forty-six minutes and twenty-two freakin' seconds! Okay…"

"You counted?"

"…It was a long game…" Shura shrugged.

Yukina sighed. "You definitely need your grandfather."

"No! Not him!" Shura pleaded.

"Why not him?"

"He does that thing!"

"What thing?"

"He…he…" Shura glared and muttered the next part as though the action was one of the seven deadly sins. "_He pinches my cheek_."

**dun dun duuuuun**

Yukina gasped. "Well, we can't have that, can we? I'll just tell him to go away right now!"

Shura smiled. "Thanks, Mom."

Yukina smiled, and then opened the door and yelled, "He's up here, Yomi!"

Shura scowled. "Traitor…"

Yomi appeared in the door with his coat and top hat, smiling brightly, which was _never_ good. "There he is!"

"Yep, here he is," Shura muttered. "You senile old man…"

"Remember, your grandfather is blind, Shura, so _be nice_," Yukina said.

"And I heard that!" Yomi yelled, pointing to the coat rack.

"Over here, Dad," Yukina sighed.

"Oh…yes…um…okay, you puny little pipsqueak, first of all, I am _not_ old. And secondly, shut up."

**point gasp stare**

"I'm going to go and do whatever it is I do in my free time. Bye!" Yukina said, leaving.

"Nooo! Mommy! Don't leave me here with _him_!" Shura screamed.

"Oh. I forgot." Yomi smirked and pinched Shura's cheeks, after groping around in empty air for a moment. "Ya little jerk."

"Old person," Shura sneered.

"…Well, anyway. I got this book…" Yomi began.

"MOM!"

"Ahhhh! Stop yelling! Okay, I got this book my dad used to read to me, I read it to your dad and now I'm going to read it to you." Yomi smiled.

"This book…is it the reason…that you're crazy?" Shura's eyes widened, and he gulped.

"Nooo…that's for a whole different reason," Yomi said.

blink blink

"Is it—"

"No."

"Okay. Then _what_ is it?"

"It's called…The Princess Bride."

"Nooooo!"

Yomi blinked. "YEEEEES! See? I can do it too. Now why did you scream?"

"You said _princess_! And then you said _bride_!"

"So?"

"So! Those two words together can mean only one thing! _Romance_!" Shura said the last word as though it were a disgusting swearword.

"Oh just shut up and listen ya little monkey," Yomi said, taking out a pair of glasses and putting them on, one side fixed on his upper left ear and the other on his lower right, which made them go diagonal across his face.

"Why are you wearing glasses? You're _blind_!"

"They make me look intellectual. Chicks dig intellectual."

"Ewww…hey! That book's not brail!"

"So?"

"How are you gonna read it!"

"I memorized it."

"Then why did you bring the book?"

That was when Yomi finally lost it. He began to bang the book against Shura's head. "Shut up!" _Whack_. "Shut up shut up shut _up_!" _Whack whack whack_.

"Okay, all right, I'll shut up!"

"Good." Yomi flipped open the book to the first page. "'The Princess Bride' by S. Morgenstern, chapter one. 'Kurama lived on a small farm in the country of Florin. His hobbies included riding his horse and tormenting the farmboy who lived there.' Now isn't that a wonderful beginning?"

"…No."

"Well, I had to say it. It's in the script."

XXX

Li: **yelling** NO! No! Don't cut! We'll just edit it out later!

Shura: What? **a movie microphone slowly slides out beside his bed and a guy with binoculars appears in the window**

Yomi: What the—?

**Gremlins suddenly pop out of nowhere and dance around**

Yomi: **screams** IS THIS IN THE SCRIPT?

Ava: **smiles** Now it is.

Li: CUT!


	2. Introducing Kurama and Hiei

_(Chapter 1)_

Kurama was a young man in his late teens. He didn't care much about wearing fancy clothes and his long red hair was very unkempt. Even though he never looked as attractive as he could have, he was easily the most handsome man in the kingdom, go figure. Our story begins…

Kurama rode up to the stables and dismounted. Holding the reins of his horse he turned to Hiei with his "I'm better than you so live with it" look. "Farmboy, polish my horse's saddle. I want to see my face shining in it by morning."

Hiei watched him quietly. They stared at each other, wonder in their eyes. Then Hiei scowled. "Bite me."

XXX

Li: CUT! Cut! Cut! You can't say that! Your character always says "as you wish"! **shouts into her megaphone**

Hiei Why? Buttercup is a snobby brat that calls him farmboy, and bosses him around. I'd imagine he'd say, "bite me"! **yells back**

Li: Ava, what say you? **asks the small girl with the type writer**

Ava: "Bite me" could work, or similar phrases such as "screw you" or "kiss my insert colorful word here." **nods**

Li: Oh, then, it's fine. Just as long as you say it with feeling.

Hiei: **smirks** Fine by me.

Kurama: Not by me! **yells** I can't work like this! I'll be in my trailer!

Hiei: You don't have a trailer. You have a cot in _my_ trailer! **shouts to Kurama's back**

**Kurama lets out a frustrated scream**

Li: Somebody's PMSing. **sigh**

Kurama: I am _not!_ I _cannot_! So there!

Hiei: **sighs and puts his hand to his temple** Can we just shoot the stupid movie?

Kurama: Fine! **stomps back to the set**

**A little chibi person runs back in with one of those set thingies, whatever ya call 'em**

Random Chibi # 1: Bite me, scene two, take two! _Snap_.

XXX

Kurama walked away as Hiei gazed after him with longing eyes.

"Bite me was all he ever said to her," Yomi explained.

"What about 'screw you' and 'kiss my—'" Yomi covered his grandson's mouth before he could finish.

"Just listen to the story, you miniature marshmallow."

After making sure Kurama's saddle was nice and shiny Hiei began to chop wood. Kurama walked up suddenly with two empty buckets and dropped them in front of the already busy Hiei. With the same tone he usually had when he spoke to Hiei he said, "Farmboy, fill these with water."

Hiei just stared at him and dropped his axe.

Kurama's eyes softened. "Please."

Hiei stared in silence, then finally, with a sigh, climbed onto the stump so that he would be at least the same height of Kurama, if he couldn't be taller. "Bite me." He jumped down and went to go fill the buckets.

Kurama began to walk away, and Hiei was still watching him. Kurama stopped and turned. Hiei looked away quickly, but Kurama already knew something he didn't.

"That day, he was amazed to discover that when Hiei was saying 'bite me' what he really meant was 'crawl into a black hole and die,'" Yomi recited from memory. "Which in some strange Hiei way meant 'I love you.'"

"And even more amazing was the day he realized he truly loved Hiei back. And that Hiei didn't know how to express these feelings. He needed help with that."

Hiei was just about to leave the kitchen, where he'd just dropped off a load of firewood, but them Kurama called out breathlessly, "Farmboy."

Hiei stopped and looked at him.

"Fetch me that pitcher," Kurama said, pointing to a pitcher that he could easily reach himself. Hiei, however, couldn't grab it even on tiptoe.

Even so, he walked over and reached up over Kurama's head, as high as he could, even jumping a few times, but to no avail. "Bite me."

Kurama smiled and got the pitcher.

Hiei glared at him, and stomped off.

"Farmboy."

Hiei stopped, back stiffening, but didn't turn.

Kurama sighed. "Never mind."

But later that day, Hiei and Kurama met in a field, and they shared a passionate kiss, in the red glow of the sunset.

"Hold it, hold it, _hold it_!" Shura cried. "What _is_ this? Is this a…" he gulped. "_Kissing_ book?"

"Just wait!" Yomi screamed.

"But why? How did they just end up like that?"

"For the love of—" censored (Due to the extreme violence of this scene, we regret that we must cut the scene from the script for the comfort of our less mature audiences.)

"Hiei had no money for marriage, so he packed his few belongings and left the farm to become a pirate—I mean, erm, seek his fortune across the sea."

XXX

Li: CUT! **shouts**

Kurama: **stares at Hiei with his hands on his hips** Oh, no, you didn't!

Hiei: Pirates are more interesting than you, girly-man.

Kurama: Why, you little—

Li: HIEI, KURAMA, SETTLE! BEGIN TAKE THREE AT YOMI'S LINE!

XXX

"The two lovers stood in a loving embrace just outside the farm gate. It was a very emotional time for Kurama."

"Ewww! Gross!"

"Shut up…"

Kurama stared deeply into Hiei's eyes. "I fear I will never see you again."

"Of course you will," Hiei replied, speaking more gently than he ever had, wiping the tears from Kurama's eyes.

"But what if something happens to you?"

"I'm Hiei, remember? And no matter what happens, I will always come for you."

"How can you be sure?"

Hiei gave his love a comforting smile. "This is true love. You think this happens every day?"

Kurama threw his arms tightly around him and they shared one last kiss. Then Hiei departed. Tears streamed from Kurama's eyes as he saw his love, perhaps for the last time.

"Hiei never reached his destination. His ship was attacked by the Dread Pirate Roberts, who never left his captives alive. When Kurama got the news that Hiei was murdered—"

"Ooh, murdered by pirates is good," Shura squealed.

"KID!"

Kurama locked himself in his room for days, devastated. He became deathly pale and his face was always streaked with tear tracks. He neither slept, nor ate. He was devoid of all emotion from that day on. He made a vow. "I will never love again," he vowed.

XXX

Li: CUT! THAT'S A WRAP!

Kurama: That was so sad! **sobs**

Everyone on set: We know! **squeal**

Hiei: **stares at Kurama's last shot **How? **shudders** YOU! **points accusingly at Li** _You_ made my fox cry!

Li: It was her! **frantically pointing to Ava**

Ava: Oh, thanks a lot! **turns to flee for her life**

Kurama: No, Hiei, don't hurt the little ningen writer! **yells**

Li: **ignores the two members of her staff chasing around the room** Okay, people, listen up! Good work today. We start shooting at the castle at nine tomorrow morning. I want you all there at five sharp for last minute prep, as usual. Now all of you go home, practice your lines, and get some sleep. You're looking a little worn around the eyes, Karasu. See you in the morning, bright and early!

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Okay, sorry it took so long to update. I promise it will not always take this long, but the only copy of the fic was halfway across the country with the plot mistress for three weeks, so I couldn't type it up. I'll get the next chapter up as soon as possible, but I'm going to be at my aunt's for three days and she has no computer, which you don't care about, but it's just an explanation for why the new chapter won't be up for at least a week or so and now I am officially rambling so I'll shut up REVIEW PLEASE!


	3. Karasu, Kurama, and the Three Thugs

DISCLAIMER: We own nothing.

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Chapter 2

_(Next morning at the castle)_

Li: **to staff** Good morning, guys! You're all on time for once! Congratulations!

**Everyone cheers loudly, and once they are quiet Li speaks again**

Li: Coffee and muffins are on the card tables by the trailers, if you're hungry. Okay, we shoot in three hours, so we need to get ready. In layman's terms…eat muffins, drink coffee, bring the script, edit the script, practice lines, get prettier, get smarter, get to your places, shoot the scenes, go home, sleep. Get up, do it again. That's the agenda for today. Now let's get started.

**At once, the place becomes loud and chaotic as makeup artists, cameramen, and actors start scurrying around. Over by the tables, Adara eats a muffin and points to various parts of the script Ava holds.**

Adara: I think we need to cut this part out, because it doesn't seem like we need it. And then this part here, I just added a bit. That idiot who plays Humperdink—Karasu?—was too stupid to memorize this part, so I shortened it to two lines instead of four, and the words are smaller. It's not that I didn't like it, Ava, so no offense.

Ava: None taken. Let's all face it. Karasu is an idiot.

Li: **overhears them, and nods** I know, but he was good at being an arrogant snob and a coward. It came so _naturally_ to him that I _had_ to cast him for the part. Is that all the corrections?

Adara: Yep, unless you want something else changed.

Li: Nope, I like it. We'll shoot this tomorrow, so you two—

**Suddenly, the three were interrupted by shouts**

Unknown Person: HEY! THAT WAS MY FAVORITE SHIRT! I'M GONNA KILL YOU, BOTON!

Li: **sighs** You guys go run interference over there, okay? I gotta go check on the people in wardrobe. I swear, if they lose the eye shadow one more time…

_(Outside Hiei's trailer)_

Kurama: Hiei? Koi? Are you in there?

Hiei: **jerks awake at the sound of Kurama's voice and stumbles out of bed, grabbing his sword **What the _hell_, K'rama?

Kurama: Hiei! We're shooting in three hours! Why aren't you up? They need you in makeup!

Hiei: Huh? Shoot? Wha? Why? I dunno my lines…tired…where is the bathroom?

**Kurama blinks, and points**

Hiei: Meh… **mutters and stumbles into the bathroom**

Kurama: **takes a seat on the bed, and hums quietly** La…la la la la la…la la la la la…la la la la la…laaaaaa…"

Hiei: **comes out of the bathroom, his face dripping wet** Cold water…

Kurama: You look like a cat who got dropped in a lake, Hiei.

Hiei: Grrr…go screw yourself, Kurama.

Kurama: **pouts** But that's no fun…. **suddenly looks as if he had gotten an idea, and moves toward Hiei** It's more fun with you!

Hiei: Wha…Kurama, we don't have time for that!

**Kurama grabbed Hiei and kisses him**

Hiei: **pulls back** Th-the movie can wait. **dazedly**

**Half an hour later, Hiei and Kurama stumble out of the trailer to find Li, Ava and Adara waiting for them**

Li: ABOUT FRIGGIN' TIME! WHAT THE HECK WERE YOU DOING IN THERE?

Ava: **stares at the Hello Kitty shirt Hiei is wearing** Hiei? Were you wearing that shirt when Kurama went in?

Hiei: **laughs, looking dazed** Heh heh heh…no…heh heh…heh…

Adara: **suddenly gets a look of dawning comprehension** Wait…you guys didn't…in the trailer…did you?

Kurama: **grins** Of course not. We just had a very serious make out session.

Karasu: **racing over** Hiei! You're wearing my shirt!

_(Shooting time)_

Li: Okay, places everyone! **shouts** No…Karasu…I assure you, the stone _will_ hold…no, that outfit does _not_ make you look fat…yes, I _know_ you're afraid of heights…just don't look down…okay? You're good? All right. And…ACTION!

XXX

Karasu stood on a balcony overlooking the thronging crowd below. "My people…"

"WHAT!" His People shouted.

"Um…nothing. I was going to tell you something, but now I'm going to tell you something else." The prince cleared his throat. "A month from now, our kingdom shall celebrate its five hundredth anniversary. On that sundown, I will marry a man who was once a commoner like yourselves."

Karasu's speech was interrupted when a tiny old woman with straggly shoulder length grayish-pink hair threw a tomato at him, hitting him square in the face and splattering tomato juice in his hair. "SCREW YOU, YOU ARROGANT BASTARD!"

"Genkai?" Karasu yelled. "What are you doing here? Never mind. Anyway, would you like to meet…er…the prince…princess…what _is _the title? He's male, but he will not serve as king because he is to be of lower rank than I am…um…well, anyway, his name is Kurama and I am going to marry him and here he is."

As the words left his mouth there was a huge commotion in the back of the crowd.

"NOOOO!" Kurama screamed. He lay face-down on the ground—in a _frilly pink dress,_ no less—as he was dragged along by his ankles by two huge muscular men. "I DON'T_ WANT_ TO GO! LEAVE ME ALOOOOONE!"

"Your Highness, please…" one of the men who was dragging him said. "You'll get your dress dirty."

Kurama dug his fingernails into the stone walkway, causing a loud screeching sound that made many people in the audience wince and cover their ears. "I DON'T _CARE_! I _HATE_ THIS DRESS! I DON'T WANT TO _WEAR_ A DRESS! I DON'T WANT TO _BE_ HERE! I DIN'T WANT TO GET _MARRIED_! ESPECIALLY TO _HIM_! LET _GO_ OF ME!"

"You're being very childish, Your Highness," the other man informed him.

"Oh, that is _it_!" Kurama muttered, and stopped fighting. The men, thinking he had stopped fighting, let go of him. Kurama stood with great dignity, dusted himself off, brushed his hair out of his face, and turned very calmly to spit in the men's' faces. He then ripped off the dress to reveal forest-green breeches, a large white shirt, a tunic that matched the breeches, and leather shoes. Fuming, he turned to stare at Karasu, who was still standing on the balcony, looking scandalized. "DROP DEAD, _YOUR HIGHNESS_! I HATE THAT DRESS, I HATE THIS PLACE, I HATE YOU, AND I'M LEAVING!" And then he was gone, before anyone had registered what he had said. Karasu's subjects either laughed, cheered, or in Karasu's case, cried.

"And Kurama escaped with the use of one of the horses from the royal stables. Then, turning to stare at the castle, he said 'Ha!' and fled," Yomi said.

Shura's face brightened. "Hey, I like the way this Kurama guy thinks. No mushy stuff, just say 'ha' and leave! Now if Garnet just thought like him the ending wouldn't have sucked."

"What?" Yomi asked, frowning.

"Never mind, just get on with the friggin' story!" Shura gulped, and regained his composure. "I mean, you can read on…if you want to."

Yomi raised an eyebrow, then continued to tell the story.

"Kurama rode to freedom. Suddenly, as he raced along, he saw…"

A ray of light? "No…that isn't what it is," Kurama said to himself, and then the light hit him in the leg and knocked him off his horse. "Ow…rock…" he winced. "My leg…"

"Might we have a word, m'lady?" a man in the path asked as two others joined him, one very big with orange hair, and the other also rather large but not quite as big as the first one, holding a bottle.

Kurama glanced up with a glare that could make people spontaneously launch themselves out a window. "You broke my leg…"

A very big man with orange hair standing behind the first, tiny man bowed his head. "I'm sorry…"

"Shut up!" the little man hissed. "We are but poor lost circus performers. Is there a village nearby?" he continued to Kurama, in what he clearly thought to be a sweet and winning voice.

Kurama gave him a "duh" look and pointed to the castle he had just escaped.

"A _village_! Not a _castle_!"

"For poor lost circus performers you sure are picky." Kurama got to his feet, cursing. Looking for his horse, he began to limp away. "You try and help people…"

"He's getting away!" Yelled the first man.

"DOG PILE!" shouted the orange haired giant. They jumped Kurama, slowly crushing him under their weight.

He screamed and tried to claw his way out, until he simply lost too much oxygen and passed out. The three slowly rose to their feet.

"Okay, cool, let's put him on the boat," the tiny man said.

XX

Li: CUT! That was _perfect_!

Karasu: It was? **unable to believe it**

Everyone else: Huh?

Ava: I've never heard you say that before, Li.

Li: **glares at her** Okay, lunch break, people! Sandwiches and soda are by the trailers. We're filming again in an hour!

- - - - - - - - - - -

Well, there it is! Chapter two! Review, please!


	4. Sakyou's A Jerk

DISCLAIMER: We own nothing.

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_(Half an hour later)_

Hiei: Explain to me why I had to get up? **grumbles** I wasn't even in the scene!

Li: You're in tomorrow's scene. **soothingly**

Hiei: **snaps** Nothing you say can make me happy.

Ava: Have you told him about the scene he's doing tomorrow?

Li: The make-out scene with Kurama? Nah.

**Hiei's eyes widen, and without another word he finds Kurama over by the snack table, runs over, grabs his arm and pulls him over to their trailer**

Li: WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING? **shouts after them**

Hiei: **calls back** Practicing our lines! **slams the door behind him**

Li: **sighs, shakes her head, and pulls her megaphone out of her bag** Shooting will recommence in an hour! **bellows into it**

Adara: **walks up** Why?

Li: Our stars decided to take a break. **crossly**

Adara: Aaah… **watches as Karasu walks past them, heading for the makeup trailer, picks up a muffin from the table, declares that muffins rule the world and bites into it, all the while watching the door to the makeup trailer**

**After about five minutes, the door bursts open again, and every single makeup artist runs out screaming. **

Makeup Artists: IT'S HOPELESS! IT'S _HOPELESS_!

Yusuke: Come on, guys, it can't be that bad. **comes from out of nowhere and bravely pulls open the door to peek inside, only to immediately slam the door again** Okay, so it can…

Karasu: What is this in my script? **yells, running over and getting right into Li's face**

Li: **takes script, and studies the spot he is talking about** Looks like a dance number and cheery music.

Li and Adara: Ava…

Ava**: looks nervous** All right, all right, all _right_, so I put in a song or two! Stop with the interrogation!

Li: That…is just… **Ava looks still more nervous** …_awesome_! **laughs hysterically**

Adara: Let _me_ see! **yanks the script away, just as the door to Kurama's and Hiei's trailer swings open again and Kurama steps out, smiling, with a song in his heart, and Hiei follows, looking dazed, with lipstick smeared all over his face**

Li: Hiei! **scolding voice** Kurama and Karasu are the only men in this movie who are supposed to wear makeup! Kurama because he plays the girly part and Karasu because it's fun and he's ugly.

Adara: Was Kurama even _wearing_ lipstick? **curiously**

Kurama: Not lipstick! Cherry-flavored lip gloss.

Hiei: **nods and giggles slightly**

Ava and Adara: **exchange a look and crack up**

Li: **snaps** To your places, everyone! Can we get a makeup artist over here? I don't _care,_ Karasu. Go _away_! Ava, Adara, get ahold of yourselves! Time for the boat scene! Move! _Don't make me repeat myself_!

XXX

A sailboat was moored at the docks, almost hidden in the gathering dusk. Chu was busy getting the boat ready, while the giant, Kuwabara, carried the unconscious Kurama on board and laid him down. Across from Chu, Sakyou ripped off tiny pieces of fabric from an army jacket and tucked them along the saddle of Kurama's horse.

"What is that you're ripping?" Chu asked, turning to Sakyou.

Sakyou didn't turn to look at the Australian as he answered. "It's fabric from the uniform of an army officer from Guilder.

Kuwabara looked up from where he had been trying to revive Kurama. "What's a Guilder? Is that some kind of blacksmith? Glasswright, maybe?"

Sakyou gave Kuwabara a scathing look and pointed out at the ocean. "_Guilder_, you oaf! The country across the sea! The sworn enemy of Florin!" he snapped, turning to slap the horse to get it going.

"And why are we sending the fabric to Florin, if it is an officer of Guilder who lost the uniform?" Chu asked.

"Because," Sakyou said patiently, "once the horse reaches the castle, the fabric will make the prince jump to the obvious conclusion that the Guildarians have taken his love. Now all we have to do is kill him, dump the body on the Guilder frontier and confirm his suspicions, thereby starting a war, which is what we were hired to do. And it all begins with _that_ uniform in _that_ saddle reaching _that_ castle," he finished, pointing toward the royal palace, barely visible. "Unless, of course, the guy is as stupid as he looks, which would, of course, be inconceivable, considering what he looks like."

Kuwabara's face fell. "You never said anything about killing anyone…" he said disapprovingly.

Sakyou got into the boat and turned to face Kuwabara. "Well, _yeah_! I mean, starting a war is what we're _hired_ to do! I know it's been a long time since you've done this, but _surely_ you remember that wars involve _killing_."

"I just…I don't think it's right, killing an innocent, just for money."

Sakyou glared. "Think? _Think? THINK_! I didn't hire you to _think, _you hippopotanic land mass!"

Kuwabara looked confused. "You didn't? But…well, okay."

Just finishing the preparations, Chu hopped into the boat. "I agree with Kuwabara."

"Oh, well all bow down! The all-knowing sot has spoken!" Sakyou said furiously, now turning on Chu. "You listen to me now. I _am_ going to kill him and you will_ not_ say anything about it because it does not _concern_ you! The only thing _you_ need think about is how in the world you're going to survive after I dump you off when this is over. And also, _never_ forget that when I found you, you were so _slobbering_ drunk that _you couldn't buy brandy_!"

Chu shrugged, too used to Sakyou to care. Kuwabara, however, cringed visibly when Sakyou turned to him and continued to yell. "And _you_! Friendless, brainless, helpless, _hopeless_! Do you _honestly _want to go back to where you were? Unemployed in _Greenland_? Or would you like to cooperate with me and simply kill this man you've never met, so that you at least have a _hope_ of surviving another year?"

Kuwabara looked very downcast, and when Chu saw this he went over to try and comfort him. "That Sakyou, he can…_fuss_."

Kuwabara's face lit up at the introduction of his favorite game. "Fuss…fuss…I think he likes to scream…_at us_."

Having lost that round, Chu cast around for something else. "Probably he means no…_harm_."

"He's really very short on…_charm_!" Kuwabara said proudly.

Chu sighed. "You have a great gift for rhyme."

"Yes, yes…some of the time."

"Enough of that!" Sakyou ordered, a bite of impatience in his voice.

"Kuwa, are there rocks ahead?" Chu asked.

"If there are, we'll all be dead!"

"No more rhymes now, I mean it!" Sakyou yelled.

"Anybody want a peanut?" Kuwabara asked.

"GYAH!"

Having succeeded in ticking Sakyou off, Kuwabara fell silent, and the sailboat took off a few minutes later with no trouble.

"We'll reach the cliffs by dawn," Sakyou announced. Chu nodded absently and glanced back behind them.

"Why did you just do that?" Sakyou asked.

"What?"

"Look back over your shoulder."

"Oh…just making sure no one is following us."

"That would be inconceivable," Sakyou said dismissively.

Kurama broke the sudden silence as he glared around the ship. "Meh."

Sakyou looked taken aback. "Meh? What was that? That's not even a word!"

"Bite me!" Kurama snapped. As soon as he realized what he'd said, though, his eyes filled with unshed tears and he looked out over the rolling waves until he'd mastered himself.

"Aren't you going to say something along the lines of 'My prince will soon come and then you will pay for what you have done'?" Sakyou asked, blinking.

"No…he's…oh, you mean Karasu. No! He's a coward, he'd probably let me die." Kurama shrugged matter-of-factly. "And he's ugly, and mean, and selfish, so I'd rather he didn't come anyway.

"Aw, I'm sorry, pretty lady," Kuwabara said.

"I'm very much a male, but thank you anyway," Kurama said with great dignity.

"Oooh…"

Sakyou rolled his eyes and looked back at Chu, who was staring behind them. "Will you stop doing that!"

"Are you sure no one's following us?" Chu asked, frowning.

"Like I keep saying, that would be absolutely, totally, and in all other ways inconceivable. No one in Guilder knows what we've done, no one in Florin could have caught up so fast and if you know of anyone else who might be following I'd like to know about it." Satisfied with his explanations, Sakyou folded his arms and turned to stare ahead. "But…just out of curiosity, why do you ask?"

"Oh, no reason other than someone's behind us and catching up fast," Chu said, calmed by Sakyou's reassurances.

"_What_!" Sakyou jumped up and ran to see what _it_ was.

A boat in the distance was following them but was too far off to be seen clearly.

"Probably some local fisherman out for a pleasure cruise at night…through eel infested waters…"

_SPLASH_.

"You were supposed to be_ watching him_!" Sakyou growled in rage, turning to see the read head bobbing up and down in the iron-gray water, getting smaller and smaller.

"He wanted to go for a swim, so I said it was okay as long as he waited for an hour after eating," Kuwabara said cheerfully. "And then he kissed me," he added, pointing to the red smudge on his cheek. "And now he's swimming away…"

"I didn't know he was gay," Chu said, and Kuwabara gave a golf clap.

"Well! Go in after him!" Sakyou yelled.

Chu shrugged. "I can't swim."

Kuwabara made a gesture with his hands as Sakyou turned to him. "I only dog-paddle."

"Gyah! You two are hopeless!"

Kuwabara considered a moment. "But Sakyou…you can't swim either. Does that make you hopeless too?"

"SHUT UP, YOU! Veer left!" Sakyou said, as Kurama stopped swimming suddenly. "No! The other left!"

The reason Kurama had stopped was because his leg was bleeding again, but after a moment he steeled himself and went on. "This was _not_ one of my brighter plans," he muttered.

_EEEKKK!_

"Oops, you seemed to have attracted the attention of the shrieking eels," Sakyou said, smirking, while the other two looked worried as a swarm of dark shadows surrounded Kurama, who looked distinctly unimpressed…and maybe even a little relieved?

A huge head popped out of the water, jaws open, and needle-sharp teeth gleamed as the thing headed straight for Kurama. He closed his eyes and waited to feel his bones crunching—

"He doesn't get eaten by the eels at this time," Yomi said to his grandson.

"What?"

"He didn't get eaten," Yomi said, sounding faintly disappointed. "I'm explaining that to you because you looked nervous."

"How do you know? You're _blind_!"

"You're short! Now, where was I? Hmm…oh, yes. 'You seem to have attracted the attention of the shrieking eels—"

"You read that already," Shura said impatiently.

"SHUT UP!" Yomi said alarmingly, and went back to the story, not bothering to skip to where he actually was.

"Oops, you seemed to have attracted the attention of the shrieking eels," Sakyou said, smirking, while the other two looked worried as a swarm of dark shadows surrounded Kurama, who looked distinctly unimpressed…and maybe even a little relieved?

A huge head popped out of the water, jaws open, and needle-sharp teeth gleamed as the thing headed straight for Kurama. He closed his eyes and waited to feel his bones crunching, and…_WHACK_! Kuwabara's mighty fist hit the eel square on the head, and then he pulled Kuwabara gently back into the boat.

"Put him down," Sakyou snapped, and knelt down next to Kurama to bind his hands. "I suppose you think you're brave?" he snapped.

"Why didn't you just let me die?" Kurama cried out, tears leaking out of his eyes despite his valiant efforts.

"Aww, you made him cry," Kuwabara said reproachfully. "Why do you cry?" he asked Kurama kindly. "Does your leg hurt?"

"A little…"

"Do you want some ice cream?"

Kurama shook his head but didn't speak.

"Do you want a hug?"

"Uh-huh…"

Kuwabara smiled, and leaned over to hug the captive.

Kuwabara spent the evening splinting up Kurama's leg as best he could, while Chu watched, thinking about what was going to happen now an idly wondering where he had put his bottle of sake.

XXX

Li: And…CUT! Yay! All right, I'm tired, so Adara, Ava, you do my job… **nods off right in the director's chair**

Ava: What is her job exactly?

Li: **mumbles** Should be in my resume…

Adara: **picks up the sheaf of papers lying next to Li's chair and reads aloud** Director Li-chan's talents include providing money for shooting, preventing panic circles, co-writing, eating cookies, yelling at people with a big megaphone…

Ava: She's a busy bee, that Li-chan.

**Ava and Adara notice all of the staff waiting for directions**

Ava and Adara: GO AWAY!

**All of them run away yelling things like "WHOOPEE!" and "YAHOO!"**

Adara: There. **satisfied**

Ava: No problem.

_(The next morning)_

Li: **bursts out of her trailer, cell phone glued to her ear as usual** Yes, now! Okay, good! Call him then. Because I don't want to be the one to wake him. Yes, especially since he wasn't in a scene at all yesterday. Thank you, Kurama. Yes, I owe you. I know, a _big_ chocolate cake. Bye. **glares at Ava and Adara as she hangs up the phone** I can _not_ believe you forgot to tell them when to come back!

Ava: Sorry… **contritely, but with a sparkle in her eye**

Li: Okay, anger gone. Let's go shoot a movie. When everyone shows up, that is.

Adara: We're on it! **flees, Ava on her heels**

Li: **sits down in her chair with a glass of lemonade** It's good to be the boss.

- - - - - - - - - - -

Sorry this chapter took so long, folks, but it deleted itself right after I typed it up the first time! Review, please!


	5. The Mask Introduced

Kurama: **snaps** I'm _sick_ of being the damsel in distress! **throws aside his script**

Ava: Oh, stop it. You are _hardly_ a damsel, Kura.

Adara: **points at the script** Yeah! See, it says here: "As a swarm of dark shadows began to circle Kurama, he looked completely unimpressed.' **helpfully**

Kurama: Yes, but that doesn't prove—

Li: **yells** WILL YOU SHUT UP? WE ARE TRYING TO REHEARSE A SCRIPT HERE!

Hiei: **explodes suddenly, drawing all attention to himself** Speaking of which, what the _hell_ is with our lines? This is _crap_! Look at this! **snatches a copy of the script from Ava, as he forgot to bring his own** "Seek his fortune across the sea?" "Attacked by the Dread Pirate Roberts?" I am _not_ likely to "seek my fortune across the sea" because I hate water, and even if I did do that I wouldn't be likely to get myself attacked by pirates! And what is this garbage about me having a swordfight with _Chu_?"

Li: Oh, but he's gotten _so much_ better with his sword now! He only misses the target two times out of five now! **Hiei stares at her, and she sighs and gives him his sword** Just don't kill him.

Hiei: Why not?

Ava: **patiently** Because we need him for the rest of the movie. **waves her copy of the script, which she just snatched back from the offending thief** In the later scenes he works with you and Kuwa to save Kurama from Karasu. _Prince_ Karasu. I still get such a kick out of that.

Li: **grins** We all do…I myself have come up with four hundred and twenty-four ways to give him crap about it later. Okay, people, listen up! You have ten minutes to finish doing whatever it is you're doing! C'mon, let's move! No…Kuwa…not the sword…you throw the rocks, remember? Kuwa, are you listening? Are you drunk? KUWABARA, PUT IT DOWN! **screams and runs off as Kuwabara almost slices someone in half with the sword**

Ava: **yelps** I gotta finish the script for the next scene!

Adara: **squeaks** And I gotta edit what we have! **runs off**

**Suddenly Hiei and Kurama find themselves quite alone**

Hiei: **smirks and turns to Kurama** So…what's your problem with the script? I kinda like you as a damsel… **puts his arms around Kurama's waist**

Kurama: **smiles** Do you, now? **puts an arm around Hiei's shoulders**

Hiei: Mm-hmm. It's nice to be the one to save you from the bad guys once in a while.

Kurama: Well, which do you like better? The movie me or the real me?

Hiei: Hmm…I don't know… **teasingly** I'm leaning toward the movie you, so you've got one kiss to convince me not to drop you for the first available damsel.

**Kurama grins, and leans in to kiss him. There are catcalls, wolf whistles, and a few "Awwws" from anyone with in sight, but even so, they don't pull away from each other until each is out of breath. Kurama's smile has gotten even bigger, and he keeps his arm wrapped around Hiei as they stroll toward their trailer**

Kurama: So…verdict?

Hiei: Sorry, were we talking? I don't recall… **shows obviously fake confusion and kisses Kurama again, causing the two of them to walk straight into the side of one of the trailers**

Li: HIEI! KURAMA! WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING? WE'RE SHOOTING IN TWENTY-SEVEN SECONDS! GET ON SET! _NOW!_

Hiei: **swears as he turns away from Kurama** If I ever get back to the favor stage with Mukuro, I am going to have her come back here and cut that chick into thousands of pieces! So she starves us by refusing to give us good food, then she orders us around like dogs and makes us work in a _blizzard_?

Kurama: Like a damned Dickens novel. **shakes head**

XXX

Sakyou was in a very good mood. His plan was going along just as it was supposed to—except that Kurama and Kuwabara were "bonding" and Chu was so slobbering drunk that he'd forgotten his own name, and also some freak was following them through eel-infested waters for no apparent reason. Other than these small infractions, everything was terrific.

Kurama sat with his back against the side of the boat, examining the splint on his leg with interest and talking to Kuwabara, who was braiding the kitsune's (ahem "captives") hair.

"Where did you learn to braid, Kuwabara?" Kurama asked. "It doesn't seem like something a hired killer should know how to do."

"My sister taught me when we were little."

"You have a sister? What's her name? Why aren't you with her?"

Kuwabara nodded toward Chu, who was sitting on the deck, an empty liquor bottle in his hand, singing a Scottish drinking song at the top of his voice.

Kurama spluttered and choked, his eyes nearly popping out of his head and rolling over the wooden deck to stop at Chu's feet as he stared. "WHAT? You mean…he's…you…him…_sister?"_

It took close to five minutes for Kuwabara's roaring laughter to subside. "It gets them _every_ time! I had you for a minute, didn't I?"

Kurama pouted. "Mean. But seriously, where is your sister?"

"She left, about the time I met Sakyou. Whereabouts, unknown.

"Oh…I'm sorry."

"I _told_ her to go."

"…Oh…"

"Yeah. Shizuru…she needed to see the world. Do something _fun_. Spontaneous, ya know. She couldn't do that with her loser little brother around. So I told her to go, that I could take care of myself, and she jumped at the chance to leave. That's when I took the job with Sakyou, to pay the bills. We agreed to meet again in five years and swap stories."

"Is she a good sister?"

Kuwabara smiled fondly at nothing in particular. "The best. She took care of me after our parents die. I mean, she kicked my butt around a lot, but…she made me strong."

Kurama sighed. "It sounds so…nice. What is she like?"

So Kuwabara proceeded to give Kurama a glowing description of Shizuru. How she looked, how she dressed, and what her personality was like were all topics of discussion.

"But Kuwabara…"

"My friends—well, Chu, the only friend I have—he calls me Kuwa. You can, too, if you want."

Kurama smiled. "Kuwa, from what you've told me, your sister is pretty much all boy. When did she learn to braid? Was she ever a girly sort of girl?"

"She was…until she was twelve. Then she took a martial arts class, kicked the crap out of a fourth-degree black belt, and was never quite the same after that."

The two chucked over that for a moment, and in that moment they managed to forget that Kurama was a captive and Kuwabara was one of his captors.

"So what about you?" Kuwabara asked when their laughter subsided.

"What about me?" Kurama asked, still grinning.

"No siblings? No family?"

"Nope."

"So…you've got no one?"

A shadow passed over Kurama's face then. He was about to tell Kuwabara all about Hiei, and the fate of the "farmboy" but he stopped himself, not wanting to burden Kuwabara with his problems. "Yeah. I've…got no one."

Kuwabara suddenly looked almost as sad as Kurama felt. "I'm sorry. I'm prying. I shouldn't."

"No…that's okay. I _did_ have someone, but…so tell me about yourself. How did you get involved with Sakyou?"

"Well, he found me in Greenland. No job, no life, no parents…and he hired me to help him start a war. I never asked why, I didn't really want to work with him, and if he ever finds out that I'm telling you his plan he will make me a human shish kebab."

"So why did you work with him?" Kurama asked curiously.

"For my sister. She'd been chomping at the bit to get out of our town, like I said, and I figured if she knew I was taken care of she wouldn't feel so bad about leaving. So I went with Sakyou and we picked up Chu in a single's bar in Australia and came here. That's when Sakyou told me we were going to start a war, and then we captured you and he told me we were going to kill you. I didn't want to…I still don't. I…I don't think I _can_." He tried to catch Kurama's eye but the kitsune is "Hey, Kurama, I'm not going to let you die, all right? I've got it all worked out with Chu…we've just got to figure out how to get you away without killing Sakyou because I _won't_ kill _anyone_."

Kurama smiled. "That's is very good of you. And…thank you."

"No problem."

Some time later, Sakyou jumped up from his seat. "HA!"

"What?" Chu asked. Having sobered up an hour ago and taken some medicine for his headache, he was now keeping an eye on the ship behind them. "He's right on top of us, incidentally…" he remarked calmly.

"Well, he's too late!" Sakyou said, grinning. "We're at the Cliffs of Insanity! Get the captive and bring him to me!"

Chu saluted mockingly and went to wake Kurama, who had fallen asleep, muttering audibly as he did, so that his words could be distinguished if one listened carefully. "You should feel right at home here…" Kuwabara was sitting next to Kurama, reading a book titled _Criminal: To Be or Not to Be? (A Study of Famous Crime Lords, Drug Dealers, Murderers, and War-Starters, Volume 1, First Edition 1593.) _

"That's fitting," Kurama remarked, noticing the book's long title.

Kuwabara grinned. "Sakyou thought so, too. He found it in a library back in Florin and he told me to read it because I'm the stupid one." He said this last part in a perfectly even tone that betrayed nothing of what he thought of his label.

"So he gave you homework?"

"Exactly."

"Kuwabara! Stop talking and bring him here! And take that ridiculous braid out of his hair!"

Kurama blush. "That I actually have to agree with…"

Chu laughed loudly as Kuwabara undid his handiwork and Kurama shook out his long mane of red hair.

Sakyou was shouting orders and running around frantically, trying to steer the boat toward a gap in the rocks and, from the words he was using, not succeeding too well. Kuwabara leaned against the side of the boat, helping Kurama stand. Kurama, for his part, was trying to avoid putting too much weight on his leg, because while the splint lessened the pain considerably, the limb was still weak. Chu, seemingly oblivious to Sakyou's shouts and curses, was hanging with one hand from the rope tied to the crow's nest.

Finally, after about ten minutes, Kuwabara and Chu took pity on Sakyou and helped him steer the boat through the gap. The four left the ship one by one, Kurama refusing help when he noticed Sakyou watching him. They found a rope hanging conveniently over the edge of the cliff, apparently left there by the last person to climb the cliffs.

"All right," Sakyou said, once they were all gathered at the rope. "I'll go first, then Chu, and then Kuwabara can carry _him_ up."

At this, Kurama, who was leaning on Kuwabara, shoved himself away from the tall orange-haired "oaf" and glared. "I can do it." Then, realizing that he might have offended his new friend, he turned to Kuwabara and gave him a look that pleaded for understanding. Kuwabara grinned and gave him a look back that said plainly, "No offense taken." Seeing this, Kurama turned back to Sakyou and said in a voice cold enough to freeze the warm ocean water lapping on the shore less than ten feet away, "And my _name_ is _Kurama_. Learn it, love it, use it, _eat it_."

Chu laughed in appreciation, Kuwabara grinned, and Sakyou's scowl deepened. "Fine. Do it yourself." And he rolled his sleeves up to his elbows and began to climb.

Sakyou's was a slow ascent, but he reached the top in due time. Chu climbed up next, stopping every once in a while to drink from a huge bottle of beer that he carried tucked under his arm. By the time he reached the top, the bottle was completely empty.

"Are you sure you don't need help?" Kuwabara asked, surveying the unbelievably tall, sheer rock face in front of him, then fixing Kurama, who was struggling to stay up, with a concerned look. "Your leg…"

"When did I say anything about using my leg?" Kurama asked, eyes twinkling, grabbing the rope and beginning to pull himself up using only his arms. "See you at the top." And he did manage to make it there, though every one of his muscles was screaming. His arms felt as though they had been pulled from their sockets, and his poor, battered leg felt as though it were on fire after being bashed on rocks, but he hid his pain and exhaustion from Sakyou as he lowered himself carefully onto a flat boulder.

Kuwabara clambered into view, with the clash of rock and labored breathing. Kurama bit back a laugh as he watched the big man flop flat onto his back, panting. "You all right, Kuwa?"

Kuwabara waved an arm dismissively, then let it flop down to the ground. "Fine. Just…gimme a minute…I'm…fine."

Sakyou growled and kicked Kuwabara in the ribs, bring forth a grunt of pain. "Get up. We haven't got time to waste."

Kurama was made to stand up, but fell back with a yelp as a white hot pain shot from his foot to his hip. Sakyou smirked. "Get moving, you useless lump of flesh. And you, too, _Sheila_." These last remarks were made to Kuwabara and Chu. "Kuwabara, take…_Kurama_…and get moving. Chu and I will follow you as soon as—"

"As soon as _what_?"

As one, the four turned to look in the direction of the new voice. A man, fairly small at only about five feet five inches tall, was leaning against a huge boulder, arms crossed, completely at his ease. His hair resembled hair that Kurama had seen on only one head, but this man's hair was shorter and there was no white in it. Stormy gray eyes glittered maliciously from beneath a black mask. He was clothed from head to toe in black, and a long, slightly curved sword glittered in his right hand. "Waiting for me? I'm touched, but you really didn't have to." The newcomer's teeth flashed in a grin that was anything but reassuring as he dropped his cloak do the ground. "I do like a good chase."

Sakyou gulped. "Um…Kuwabara…get the girly-man. Take him out, Chu! Good luck!" And then he was gone.

Kuwabara looked uneasy. "Chu…"

Chu grinned brightly. "Do what he says. I'll catch up. But before I do my thing…" The Australian lowered his voice to a whisper. "Does he have six ears?"

"Not that I can tell…" Kuwabara said.

"Good. Then I don't have to kill him. All right, get going and I'll see you in a bit."

So Kuwabara and Kurama went on their way. The masked man's eyes followed them out of sight, then moved back to Chu. "Six ears? Care to elaborate?"

Chu glared, annoyed. "Long story short?"

"Efficient is best, yes."

"My father was slaughtered by a six-eared man, and I'm out for revenge."

Mask, as Chu thought of him, not having a name to use, blinked, interested in spite of himself. "You'll have to tell me that story sometime."

Chu chuckled, the tension suddenly gone from the air. "I will, I promise." There was silence for a moment, and the Chu said, "So…do we fight or what?"

"Hmm? Oh, yes, of course, but could I get a drink first?"

"Wha…oh, yeah, here." Chu tossed a small bottle of sake in Mask's direction. Mask, for his part, took a quick drink, broke the bottle against the ground in a shower of glass, and moved his sword slightly so that the blade flashed in full sunlight.

The masked man was grinning, the love of a good fight stirring the blood in his veins. "Let's go."

Chu curled his hand into a fist. "Bring it on, shorty."

XXX

Li: Cut! **shouts** Where's Chu's sword?

Ava: Oh…last-minute edit. We decided we wanted this fight to be totally natural, so I told Chu to forget the sword and…"fight like an Aussie," I believe his exact words were.

Adara: I told her I thought it was a good idea, but we didn't have time to run it by you before the scene stared.

L: **shrugs** Okay, we'll try it this way. But if it doesn't work out we go back to swords, okay? Start from Chu's line! _Action_!

XXX

Mask snorted. "I'm not short. I was four foot ten _five years_ ago, for God's sake…" And then there was no more time for conversation, as Mask took a tighter hold on his sword and moved forward.

It had been a long time since the masked man had met his equal in fighting, but Chu was obviously very practiced. He had entered the fight considerably more than half drunk, which should have made him clumsy and half-witted, but instead he deemed to derive power instead of stupidity from the alcohol.

"You have a strange style," Mask said, after they had been fighting for close to ten minutes.

Chu dodged the blow he aimed, wondering how it was possible for the masked man to move to quickly. "Do I? I wasn't aware."

"Yes, you do. After drinking all that alcohol I _know_ you've been drinking, you should be too drunk to _see_ my sword, let alone block it. Actually, I usually move too quickly for my opponent to see me anyway." Mask dodged the punch that Chu threw at him, obviously delighted by the prospect of a good fight. "But _you_ not only keep track of my every move, but you manage to dodge me as well. It is quite extraordinary."

Chu grinned. "Thanks."

Mask sighed. "You're fast. But…I'm faster." And the masked man gained speed, moving so quickly now that even Chu couldn't track his movements.

"Huh? What the hell?" Chu muttered, searching frantically for his opponent.

"Back here, Aussie." And the next thing Chu knew, he was caught from behind in a chokehold, with a sword at his throat. Chu yelped, but he was grinning. It had been a good fight. "That was quite a show," Mask said, a note of satisfaction in his voice. "It really was. And I really do hate to kill you, but I can't have you following me and running my plans, can I?"

Chu closed his eyes, expecting to feel the cold steel blade cutting into him at any moment. However, instead, he felt a sharp blow against the side of his head, and he knew no more.

Meanwhile, Sakyou, Kuwabara and Kurama had moved on to a clearing littered with rocks and boulders. Great patches of bare ground were scattered along the stretch of land. The shortage of vegetation and plant life stirred the sadness in Kurama's heart.

"Will you put me down here?" Kurama requested, as they reached the exact center of the clearing. Kuwabara looked confused, but he set Kurama on the ground and dropped down next to him. Kurama leaned back against a boulder, and Kuwabara did the same, folding his hands behind his head and closing his eyes.

The two sat in silence for a while, watching Sakyou pace around the clearing. Kurama broke the silence after several minutes. "Kuwa?"

"Hmm?"

"If I show you something, will you promise not to think I'm…well…odd?"

Kuwabara sat up straight, opening his eyes and dropping his arms to his sides. "Um…sure, I guess."

Another moment of silence passed, before Kurama decided that Kuwabara could be trusted not to freak out. Smiling slightly, he touched the ground with one hand. And right before Kuwabara's eyes. Grass started to grow. It grew over the bare ground in lush green bunches, and the dead and wilted wildflowers that were place in clumps throughout the clearing seemed to come alive in an abundance of color.

Kurama's eyes were closed as he gently coaxed the plants back into existence. He hadn't realized how turbulent his thoughts had been until they were calmed by the serenity of the plants around him.

The turbulence in his soul had begun with the mind-numbing news of Hiei's death, and had only grown with each passing day, ending in a clash of confusion and frustration when he had fought Karasu and lost. The loss had meant that Kurama belonged to Karasu, body, spirit and soul. Now he was free, and though his future was uncertain, he couldn't help being grateful to these strangers—well, two of them, anyway—who had taken him away from the worst life he had ever known.

In these plants, Kurama read a lift that was as difficult as his own. These plants had spent their entire existence battling the forces of nature—animals, wind, rain, lightning, and fire, in addition to people who trampled through with horses and dogs and cattle and pigs. They sensed that they were in the presence of a friend, and they reached out to him, their gentle energy touching his mind and calming his heart.

Kuwabara was watching Kurama with wide eyes. "Wow."

Kurama laughed. "Thank you for that assessment."

"So…can you do anything with plants?"

"Well…not _anything_. But the ability comes in handy. With plants I can make weapons and medicines, but they also help me keep calm when I would otherwise be a very unhappy man."

Kuwabara looked confused again. "But if you can make weapons, why haven't you killed all of us by now? You seem more than capable of it."

"All of my energy is pouring itself into healing my leg. The bone will be mended in a day or two and I'll be able to escape. You and Chu are welcome to come with me if you wish."

Kuwabara grinned. "That'll be great. We'll leave Sakyou all alone, curled in a ball on the ground, crying like a little teeny girl and wondering where his beloved and faithful lapdogs have gone."

Both chuckled a little at the image Kuwabara had presented. When another, comfortable silence fell, Kuwabara studied Kurama seriously. "You're much calmer now," he said suddenly.

"Hmm? What do you mean?"

"Well…it's just…when we first got you, you were angry. Sorta…bitter, you know? But once we'd gotten you away from that castle and that bastard of a prince, you calmed down, and now you seem almost…_happy_. Is it because of the plants?"

Kurama blinked. "You are very insightful. How did you know how I was feeling? You don't know me very well yet…not well enough to know all of that, anyway."

Kuwabara shrugged. "Powers of perception. My sister and I both have it. We don't know where we get it from, since our parents died when we were little and we have no other family. But there is something else I can do, too."

"Really? What is it?" Kurama asked, genuinely interested.

"It's not as interesting as yours—or as pretty—but it gets me through my fights alive."

"Ah, a weapon! Can I see it?"

So Kuwabara held his hand out in front of him, fingers curled tightly into a fist, and a long, glowing, golden-orange sword sprang to life. It seemed to be made entirely out of some kind of half-solid substance. "I call it my Spirit Sword," Kuwabara said, grinning. "I make it out of Spirit Energy. It's been my only friend for a lotta years." He laughed bitterly. "A weapon is my only friend. Pathetic, huh?"

"No, Kuwa. It's not pathetic at all. I often have the same feeling about my plants But why would people not want to be friends with you? I haven't known you for long, but you're obviously a good person."

"Maybe so, but I was always something like the village idiot. That, combined with the spirit powers I had and my size, made me a local one-man freak show, and mothers didn't want their kids around me."

There was another minute of silence, and then Kurama said, "Well, _I'd_ like to be your first real friend, then."

Kuwabara grinned. "And I'll be yours."

"It's a deal."

XXX

Li: _Cut_! That was perfect! I'm gonna _cry_! Lunch break, guys! You have one hour to eat and then we should have time to shoot the scene with Kuwa and Hiei!

- - - - - - - - - -

DONE! LONG CHAPTER! AND THE NEXT ONE'S LONGER, SO BE PATIENT, FOLKS!


	6. Contests

DISCLAIMER: We don't own ANYTHING. Even the plot belongs to the creators of The Princess Bride. Pathetic…although Li and Adara and Ava DO belong to us, so that's SOMETHING, anyway…

AN: WE'RE BAAAAAAAACK! **hugs everything and everyone within reach** Yippee! And we'll try to NEVER go away again!

- - - - - - - - - -

(_Chapter 5_)

Kuwabara walked behind Sakyou, carrying Kurama carefully as he avoided jostling the redhead's leg. They entered a huge, rocky meadow and Sakyou motioned for them to stop. "We'll wait here for Chu. But the he-she down and—"

"Run for your lives?" a cold voice above their heads asked.

The three of them looked up and blinked. "What the—?" Sakyou murmured as he beheld the masked man standing on a boulder four feet above their heads.

"What? Were you expecting to find your blue-headed flunky?"

Sakyou sighed. "Well…yes, to be blunt." He turned to Kuwabara. "This is _very_ disappointing. Kill him."

Kuwabara seemed to wilt a bit. "O-okay…"

Satisfied, Sakyou took Kurama from Kuwabara, grabbing the redhead's arm and pulling him towards a hill in the distance, ignoring the grimace of pain on the injured man's face.

"Sir!" Kurama called back to the masked man. "Leave Kuwa alive and you can have this one for free!" He pointed to Sakyou. "It's sort of a buy-one-get-one-free sale, except you have the free without the buy and the merchandise is pathetic!"

Sakyou glared, Mask smirked, and Kuwabara laughed uproariously. "Fair enough, little duck. He won't be harmed," Mask said. "But if _he_ should best _me_ in a fight, the freebie's death falls to you."

"_Enough_!" Sakyou yelled, though his voice hardly inspired the awe he wished for. "Kuwabara, _kill him_!" He dragged Kurama off and left.

Kuwabara and mask stood there, staring at each other. "So…do we fight?" Kuwabara asked.

"We could," Mask replied. "Or you could walk away and let me go after the redhead."

Kuwabara considered for a moment. "I actually _like_ that plan."

Mask looked confused. "Huh?"

"Well, it seems like we both want the same here. We both want Sakyou gone and the prince safe. I don't have it in me to be a hero, so I'll do the next best thing and let _you_ be one."

Mask blinked. "All riiiight…"

"So should we…_pretend_ to fight? In case Sakyou's watching?"

"I…suppose."

"So what does that entail exactly? Would I have to…touch you?"

Mask stepped backwards. "Unnecessary."

"Okay. So what do we do now?"

"Er…say something that will make me want to hit you. And say it loudly, in case the Repulsive One is watching."

"Um…okay. Uh…SHRIMP!"

"Erm…STRETCH!"

"BRAT!"

"JERK!"

"DEMON CHILD!"

"Actually, there's something you should know…"

"FREAK!"

"HUMAN!"

"Yes I am, and proud of it, you pathetic, lousy little excuse for a swordsman!"

"Lousy? I'll show you lousy…" The masked man grinned evilly, and swung his sword.

Kuwabara just barely managed to dodge, called his own sword, raised it, stared at his masked opponent for a minute…and ran away.

Mask blinked. "What the f—?"

"I don't want to hurt anyone!" Kuwabara yelled, running in circles around the area. "But I don't want to _get_ hurt, either!"

The man in black sighed and lifted his sword, running in circles after Kuwabara. "Oh, come now! My _other_ runs faster than that, and she has one leg! It's a _peg leg_!" He was exaggerating this time, of course—he _had_ no mother—but Kuwabara took him seriously.

"Hey…that was below the belt…"

"I didn't think so."

"Well it was."

"I'm bored."

"Yeah…maybe you should go after Sakyou now. Do something that would knock me out…under normal circumstances. I'll pretend to be unconscious and you can go save Kurama. Just don't _really_ knock me out."

Mask smirked and, raising his sword, hit Kuwabara over the head with the hilt. When Kuwabara hit the ground face-first, another smirk crossed his face under the mask, and the man in black put his sword away. "Sorry," he told the body on the ground. "I don't take requests."

XXX

Meanwhile, at the scene of Chu and Mask's duel Karasu and his flunkies were…well, what do you call it? Investigating? No, tracking. Let's just say they're tracking.

Karasu, now wearing a ridiculous purple tunic, was examining the footprints. "There has been a great duel here!" he said triumphantly.

"Very good, sir," Yomi droned. Karasu wasn't as good at tracking as he, of course. _Yomi_ already knew who had won—Faceless Fighter A, not Faceless Fighter Z—_and_ that he had gone in the direction of the other footprints. But it was just funnier to watch the idiot prince frolic around, trying to figure it out on his own. Yomi knew he could easily win in a duel against Karasu and become king, but this was not the…opportune moment.

XXX

"Hey, grandpa!" Shura interrupted.

"What is it!"

"Why is every Count Rugen in this book crossed out and replaced with your name?"

"I don't know what you're talking about…okay, now, we're back at the cliffs, right where Karasu said…"

XXX

"I feel a song coming on!" he announced.

"What!" shouted a soldier.

"No, my lord."

"Please!"

"Spare us!"

Karasu smiled and began to sing. "I…am mightier than the gods. The devil is my slave."

"Nooooooo!"

"More beautiful than the goddess. I put her face to shame."

"Whyyyy? Why us?"

"Oh, look at me, what do you see?"

"The worst singer ever to walk the earth!"

"There's no one greater than me."

"Yes, there is! There _is_!"

"I am the king, the best you've seen, so worship me!"

Yomi finally lost it and began to chase Karasu in circles, waving his sword. "SHUT UP, YOU STUPID LITTLE TROLL!"

XXX

Sakyou brought Kurama to the peak of a hill. It was mostly grass except for a large flat boulder sitting right in the center of the area. Kurama sank down to the grassy plain to rest, drawing in a few deep breaths.

"Might I ask what you plan to do when we reach the Gilder Frontier?" Kurama asked.

Sakyou began setting up a picnic for no obvious reason. "Well, I was just going to slit your throat, leave you to slowly bleed to death, then stop for coffee. With or without the oaf."

"Sorry I asked…" Kurama sighed. "I hope someone gets here soon…before I slit my own throat."

"Oh, you can use my dagger if you'd like. Saves me the trouble of killing you myself."

"Don't hold your breath. Making things harder for you is just too much fun."

"Oh, by the way, I'm going to need to tie your hands together."

"Sure, why not. Who do I look like, Karasu?"

Sakyou just gave him a "Duh" look.

"Never mind, don't answer that. Just tie up my friggin' hands already."

XXX

Speaking of which, the idiot prince and his posse were not too far behind. In all honesty they could have been right on the Mask's trail if Karasu didn't have to stop every five minutes to fix his hair every hour, on the hour.

Yomi had to fight to urge to snicker and say "The girly man can pull it off. You can't."

"Why haven't we found the princess yet? I blame you!" Karasu said, pointing to a soldier.

"Me…?" The soldier pointed to himself.

"No…not you…all of you! You suck!"

The soldiers looked around, not seeming to get it.

"I want you all to line up, above that ridge! Right now!"

The soldiers obeyed, not really having any choice. If they didn't do exactly what he said, Karasu might _sing_ again. And that was…not to be thought of.

"I expected better from _all_ of you!" Karasu began, marching along the line of soldiers, who were dangerously close to falling off the edge of the cliff. "I am paying you to do a service—"

"But we aren't getting pa—"

"SHUT UP I'M TALKING! Now, where was I?"

"I am paying you to do a service," said one of the soldiers.

"Ah, yes. Thank you. I am paying you to do a service, and I expect that service to be performed. _To my liking_. So I am offering you all a choice. You may either find the princess before sundown, and the two weeks following you will attend a daily seminar teaching you about self-respect and respect for your prince. I myself will teach the course, obviously. Your other option is to be pushed off this cliff and splatter all over the rocks and have your remains cleaned up by the local villagers."

The soldiers all glanced at each other, and then their spokesperson said, "We'll take our chances with the cliff. Bombs away!"

And so as Karasu went to the end of the line and gave one of the soldiers a shove off the cliff, one of the others muttered, "We gotta join a union…"

XXX

Meanwhile, just below the cliff, nestled in a tiny village below, an argument was taking place.

"Look! We did not order a giant trampoline!" yelled an angry villager.

"Well, pal, you should have said _that_ before I set it up," the delivery man said, displaying the rather enormous contraption.

And then the falling soldier landed on the trampoline and sprung back up, toward the top of the cliff he had just been pushed from.

XXX

"Well…anyone else?" Karasu smirked, his hand planted on his hips, making him look about as threatening as a French poodle.

"AHHHHH!" With that the soldier came springing up from below.

"What the…?" Karasu blinked, staring at the soldier, now hovering a few feet above their heads.

"Hey, guys, look, it's Bob," commented one of the soldiers.

"Hi, Bob…" the rest of the soldiers chorused.

"Bob," hanging in midair for not more than a few seconds, waved, then slowly drifted back down the cliff.

"Bye, Bob…"

"Will someone mind telling me why you suddenly have names, and _why_ that guy just came back?" Karasu yelled.

"Well, it's simple, really," said a soldier, nodding and pulling out a well-thought-out chart, complete with pie graph. "As you can see _here_," the soldier said, withdrawing a ruler from nowhere and smacking the chart. "Bob is what is known as a 'comic relief character.' Us 'CRCs,' if you will, don't have names, but in this case, the writers decided that it was best to give Bob a name. Outside this cookie-cutter world we all have 'identities,' so to speak…"

Karasu stared blankly while the babbling soldier continued.

"Now, in the case that a CRC dies, it is slightly comical…" He waved. "Hi, Bob…but also still dramatic at best. Bye, Bob…"

Karasu pondered for a moment. "Yes, but why did he come back?"

Yomi rolled his eyes. "Make sure to use small words this time."

The soldiers whispered amongst each other, and then finally came up with the most suitable answer. "Manamana."

A chorus of singing soldiers interjected. "Doo doo do do do."

"Manamana."

"Do do do do."

"Manamana."

"Doo doo do-do-do, do-do-do."

Karasu nodded. "Oooh, it makes so much more sense now…hi, Bob!"

The soldiers waved at their hovering friend and watched him descend again.

"Bob obviously can't die, because…excuse me, what does that card say?"

The guy holding the We Cards looked up. "Because this movie is rated PG. Nobody dies."

"Really. Hmm, that's weird. So…" Karasu started shoving the soldiers one by one off the cliff. "They won't die?"

"No, but they'll bounce for an eternity on a giant trampoline," Yomi sighed.

Karasu nodded. "Pity…"

XXX

When Mask reached the crest of the hill, he saw Kurama sitting on a large rock, hands tied behind his back, looking bored to tears, with Sakyou holding a dagger to his throat and looking smug.

When Kurama saw Mask, his eyes widened and he probably would have leapt forward if not for the knife. "Oh, thank all the gods in all the heavens! Are you here to kill me?" he asked hopefully. "_Please_! Say you're either going to kill me or take me away! He won't stop _talking_!"

Mask looked at him for a moment, and then said softly, "I don't know what I'm going to do." He looked solemn for a moment, then shrugged, muttered, "Whatever," and took a step forward.

Sakyou acted before he'd completed the movement, pressing the sharp edge of the knife against the skin of Kurama's neck, almost hard enough to draw blood but not quite. "No closer."

Mask stopped short. "You wouldn't."

"I would."

"You _wouldn't_."

"I would."

"YOU SERIOUSLY WOULD NOT!"

"What're you, new?"

Mask rolled his eyes. "Man, don't you have a life of your own?"

While they were holding this very meaningful conversation, Kurama had been half-listening, but now he gave a shout of triumph and held his hands up as the rope tying his hands together fell away. Waving them in front of Sakyou's face, he said gleefully, "Ha ha, you suck!" and then lay down on his back, hands behind his head, whistling as if he had not a care in the world.

Sakyou didn't even notice—he was looking rather inclined to strangle Mask—or maybe himself, if and when he was unsuccessful at the former. But his voice was calm when he spoke. "So how do we do this?"

"Do what?" Mask asked innocently.

"Decide who gets the lady-man."

"Hello! Sitting right here!" Kurama protested.

"Hmm…gambling? Poker?" Mask asked, ignoring him.

"No cards."

"Combat?"

"I suck."

"Riiiight…okay, let's do that."

"No! It would be completely unfair!"

"Notice the intimidating mask. Do you _think_ I care?"

"Well, I don't know how you guys will figure _that_ out, but _maybe_, at _some_ point, you'll come to a decision of how many _goats_ I'm worth!" Kurama said, hotly, his voice heavy with sarcasm. When they kept arguing, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a small vial. "Here. Here's your solution. It's iocaine powder. Odorless, tasteless, dissolves instantly in liquid. Use it. I'm going to sleep. Whichever one of you survives, wake me up. If you both die I'm sure I'll wake up on my own eventually." He threw the vial at them with a look of deep disgust, then lay back on the ground and closed his eyes. "Have fun."

"So it's a battle of wits, then," Sakyou said, staring at the vial on the ground.

Mask shrugged again. "Sure. Good. Pour the wine."

Sakyou, for once, managed to follow the simple directions without too much difficulty. Mask took the glasses and the vial and turned his back on Sakyou. After a moment, he turned back and set the cups on the table. "The battle of wits has begun."

Sakyou immediately began to study the glasses, and Mask watched him. "So…um…do you have family nearby?"

Sakyou said nothing.

"Okay…um…ever have any pets?"

Silence.

"All right…any hobbies? Reading? Writing? Arithmetic?"

No response.

"What's your position on piracy?"

"Would you like me to get you a mirror so you can finish this conversation?" Kurama asked lazily from the ground, without opening his eyes or changing his position in the slightest.

Mask thought a moment. "Nah. I'd prefer to talk to you. I always found my reflection rather repulsive, anyway."

"Really, is that why you wear a mask?" Kurama asked with genuine interest.

"Oh, no, it just sort of crawled up there and made its home on my face. I'm being self-deprecating—I'm actually quite dashing, do you believe me?"

"No."

"You aren't even looking!"

Kurama turned on his side and studied Mask carefully. "…No. Actually, under that moldy stuff I can't see anything."

"WHAT? I'M MOLDING? HAVE I DIED OF BOREDOM ALREADY!"

"So the mirror thing's a no?"

"No."

"So you want a mirror?"

"Y—no—I mean—I don't want a mirror and I will talk to you."

"Good," Kurama said in satisfaction. "So, you seem to know my name, but I have yet to learn yours."

"Why? If we never plan to see each other again there's really no point."

"Fine. If you won't give me a name, _I'll_ give _you_ one. You will be…Chiisai."

Mask pondered this for a moment. "I like it."

"It means 'dove.'

"_What_? You named me after a freakin' _bird_?"

"Well, if you refuse a reasonable request you pay the consequences."

Mask glared at him for a moment, then rolled his eyes. "Fine. I'll be a bird. But only for an hour, and then I'm back to being the Nameless Desert Shadow."

"All right. But until then, you get to be a dove!"

XXX

"_The Nameless Desert Shadow_?" Li asked incredulously. "WHAT'RE WE, IN A FREAKIN' WESTERN?"

Ava and Adara looked at her, wide-eyed. "Should we change it?"

Li covered her face and murmured dramatically, "No…the eyes…keep rolling."

XXX

"So…how do you deal with anger?" Mask asked.

_That's a random question._ "I grow things," Kurama replied dreamily.

"What kinds of things?"

"Sometimes grass…sometimes flowers…sometimes carnivorous plants, which I am now imagining sticking your hand in."

"Well _that's _not very nice."

"Well, when you've lived with a deranged psychopath for five years it takes a toll. So how do _you_ deal with anger, Mr. Bird?"

"I get angrier. Sometimes, that anger turns to pain. And then there's death…and chaos that rains down on all mankind. It's nice…bloody…comforting. You remember the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, Kurama? I _am_ the Four Horsemen." He grinned suddenly. "Well isn't this nice?"

Kurama was shaking, and as Mask watched, the grass around him began to die. "Oh! No! No, no, no, I didn't mean to panic, I'm sorry, come back, please!" he said, brushing the grass gently. The grass began to grow timidly again, and he smiled. "Good. Thank you."

"D'you think Sakyo was raised by pigs?" Mask asked randomly.

"No. Pigs would be ashamed to know him."

"Scum?"

"Scum flees before him. I know! He's Karasu's long-lost brother!"

A pause.

"So…did you really love that guy? Karasu?" Mask asked, sounding rather hesitant for the first time.

Kurama looked surprised. "Well, I have found that Karasu is a very gay man, because he's loved exactly one man in his entire life: himself."

Mask very nearly smiled, and opened his mouth to speak.

"OH, I GIVE UP!" Sakyou suddenly shouted. "I can't choose the wine in front of you and I can't choose the wine in front of me—long, complicated road in my head—so _what do I choose_!"

"Well, I'm feeling very generous today. You can have _both_."

"Oh, thank you!" Sakyou said in delight, picking up both glasses and tossing them back. He simply sat there and grinned, and then, without the slightest change of expression, he keeled over.

Mask and Kurama jumped up at exactly the same moment to bend over Sakyou.

"Hmm…looks dead. Smells dead. We should draw our own conclusions," Mask said.

"Actually, he's quite alive. It was only sleeping powder. Nobody dies in this story."

XXX

Li: Cut, and that's a wrap, people!

Ava: Here you go, Li. The papers you asked for. **sets a mega stack of papers in front of Li and mutters under her breath** Slave driver.

Li: Oh, goody! Are these all of the scripts for the reunion scene?

Ava: Yep. All of them. And the actors have memorized and rehearsed them, so whichever one you pick, they won't be confused.

Adara: Uh-huh. And we managed to keep Karasu out of the scene, too.

Li: Great! **begins throwing papers in the air** No, no, no, no, maybe, no, no, definitely not, unlikely, no, no, maybe, no, not happening, no, DEAR GOD NO! Okay, it's down to two choices. Hmm…eenie, meenie, miney, NO! Okay, here. **starts to hand paper back to Adara but then snatches it back and scribbles something down** Sorry, that was just bugging me.

Adara: **blinks** OCD…Obsessive Compulsive _Director_…

Ava: Yeah, Li, can you say _asylum_?

Ava and Adara: **start dancing around Li and singing **So welcome to…our little corner of the ward.

Li: Shut up! Shut _up_! **hits Ava and Adara over the head with a rolled up newspaper** Go! Sit!

Ava: Jeez! Li! We're not puppies! We didn't have an accident on the carpet!

Adara: Yeah! **nurses head wound**

Li: _Sit_!

Adara: Argh! Fine!

Li: We're shooting in three hours, people! Go get lunch!

TWO HOURS LATER:

**Li sits in director's chair, staring thoughtfully at the sky. Ava and Adara come over**

Ava: Erm…Li?

Adara: Whatcha thinkin' about?

Li: Nothin'. Just…have you guys looked around lately? We've got all the famous villains and some of the not-so-famous ones, but we're missing the first and last sign of the apocalypse! Where's the clown?

Adara: Yeah, whatever happened to Sazuka, anyway?

**Sazuka walks through the scene wearing a janitor's uniform and sweeping up the scripts Li threw on the ground**

Ava: Oh.

**Jin sits on the ground with his arms crossed and his eyes closed and Sazuka sweeps him up**

Jin: S'cuse me, sir! I'm tryin' to _fly_ here! Don't clowns respect the _Irish_ where ye come from? Yeesh…

Li: Excuse me, but can we get the random Irishman off the set, please?

Ava: Why?

Adara: **pats Jin's head and Jin grins happily** Yeah, he's not hurting anything, are you, Jin?

Ava: C'mon, Jin! C'mon, boy! **pats her knee and walks backward with Jin coming toward her** Good _boy_, Jin!

Li: **watches Ava and Adara go into a trailer with Jin following them like a lost puppy, then looks at sky** Can I get a more cracked staff than this?

**Random bald guy pops up on screen and waves cheese slices around**

Li: **looks up at sky again** I withdraw the question.

Cheese Man: Thank you. **disappears**

Li: Okay, peeps, shooting in half an hour! Do whatever you need to do and then get to the set! _Move it_, people!

- - - - - - - - - -

Well, that's the fifth chapter at last! Yay! Thank you for your patience, everyone! _Please_ review, and we'll try never to go away again!

Also, I have a challenge for all of you: This chapter was actually written by three people. If anyone can find all the points where we changed authors, you get virtual plushies and piles of candy!


	7. Nothing But Fluffles

DISCLAIMER: Don't own. Won't own. Can't own. This is depressing.

AN: I know, I know, that took forever, but hey, it was WAY shorter than six months this time and no one told me the chapter was finished! So there!

Besides, no one's reading anyway, so who am I talking to…?

- - - - - - - - - -

(_Chapter 6)_

Li: Okay, _why_ is the entire janitorial staff dressed as clowns?

Sazuka: **from nearby where he's sweeping up stray papers **It makes me feel so much more at home!

Li: Well I don't care! Get them into normal clothes!

Ava: **whispers to Sazuka** I'd do what she says. She's terrified of clowns. **walks away**

Sazuka: **looks deeply offended and mutters to himself** What's to be scared of?

Li: **walks around set, sees Hiei and Kurama kissing by one of the trailers, goes over to them and puts her arms around their shoulders** Guys? **dangerously calm** Whatcha doin'?

Kurama: **breaks kiss** Er…**looks nervous** Being in love…

Li: Isn't that just so…_sweet_?

Hiei: I hope not.

Li: Hey, guys? **still dangerously calm** Do you know who's in the next scene? The one we're shooting in…oh…about five minutes?

Kurama: …Us?

Li: _Yes!_ Very _good_, Kurama! And what are you two doing right now?

Hiei: Nothing…

Li: _EXACTLY_! NOW GET TO THE SET! **stomps away**

Kurama: Now, where were we? **grins and goes back to kissing Hiei**

Li: **looks back at Kurama and Hiei** _Unbelievable_. Cheese man!

Cheese Man: **walks over to Li** Yes, miss?

Li: See those two guys over there? The girly man and the pointy-haired midget?

Cheese Man: Uh-huh.

Li: ATTACK!

Cheese Man: **begins throwing cheese cubes at Kurama and Hiei** Take that! And that! Mwahahahaha!

Kurama: Evil cheese! Run!

**Kurama and Hiei run toward set**

Li: **grins** Thank you, Mr. Cheese. You can go now. PLACES, EVERYONE!

XXX

Mask walked at a quick but not rushed pace up another hill, with Kurama following at a slower, limping pace. The masked man kept looking back, as though he wanted to help the redhead, but he always ended up looking away, though he slowed slightly for Kurama's benefit.

"Sit here," the masked man ordered gruffly. "Rest a moment."

Kurama complied, trying not to show his relief at the chance to sit down. "So…can I ask you something, sir?"

"You can ask. I can't promise to answer."

"Why are you doing this?"

Mask lowered himself to the ground and placed his sheathed katana on the ground next to him. "I need someone to work on my ship and you need someone to get you away from Karasu. This way, we both win."

"So I'll be…a slave?"

Mask considered. "Of sorts, I suppose. I mean…look, I don't have slaves. I have a crew. A great one. All of us on my ship…we're in the same boat…in more ways than one. We're all misfits. Pirates. We don't…belong anywhere. And you look like you don't either. So…maybe you could…I don't know…belong with us."

Kurama smiled and laid back to stretch out on the rock. "You…remind me so much of him. A man I used to know."

"Hmm? Who?"

The redhead smiled, looking up at the sky. He plucked a daisy from the ground and spun it absently in his fingertips as he studied the clouds. "His name was Hiei. He was so small…he pretended to be so tough and heartless, but…he was really very sweet. And he had these…eyes. They were crimson…the color of blood. And he would look at me with those eyes and every time he did…I fell in love with him just a little more."

Mask's eyes widened slightly, but he said nothing.

Kurama sat up slowly. The smile had not left, but his eyes glittered dangerously as he looked at the masked man. "But I daresay you know that already."

"…Huh?"

"You said you were a pirate, yes?"

"Um…yes?"

"Well, there is only one pirate ship left anywhere in these parts. That ship is captained by the man who killed my lover. And you are that man, are you not?"

"Well…uh…"

"Do you have any idea what it's like, sir? To have to open a letter that tells you your life is over before it really began? It goes beyond physical pain. It's an agony so deep that it cuts your very soul, and those wounds never heal. Thanks to you, I got to experience that pain first hand, and you'll find that the experience has removed all the humanity that Hiei provided me in his life. So no thank you, sir. I will not be returning to your ship with you. And if things go _my_ way, neither will you."

The masked man's face was carefully expressionless, but the look of pure sadness in his eyes would have melted Kurama's heart, had the redhead bothered to look.

Karasu and Yomi chose exactly that moment to stop being idiots and actually _find_ the people they were searching for. They came running up the hill, Yomi with a sword in his hand. Mask looked toward them and Kurama took advantage of his captor's distraction, lunging forward and grabbing the sword on the ground, ignoring the pain that shot through his leg. "They're coming for you. To kill you. And now you're unarmed. I told you there was no humanity left in me." And before Mask could do anything, Kurama had jumped down the hill, rolled down it—yelling and whimpering all the way down—and landed hard, rolling under a rock overhand that hid him from anyone looking down from the hilltop. How convenient.

Mask took one look down at Karasu and Yomi, who were almost at the top of the hill. "BITE ME!" he yelled down at Kurama, and followed the redhead to the bottom of the hill. He, at least, managed to keep the whimpering to a minimum. At the bottom, he pulled off his mask and crawled under the overhand with Kurama just as Yomi and Karasu topped the hill.

Kurama was staring at Hiei, his eyes wide and shimmering with tears. He mouthed Hiei's name, but no sound came out. Taking a deep breath, he tried again. "H-Hiei?" His voice was barely above a whisper.

Hiei smiled slightly. "No humanity, huh? You still look pretty human to me."

The redhead stared at his lover, his mouth slightly open, not willing to give into hope. "I…Hiei?'

"Is that all you can say?" Hiei asked quietly.

Kurama said nothing as a single tear finally slid down his cheek.

Hiei stood slowly and came over to Kurama, lifting him gently to set him on a long, flat rock. He then knelt and examined the redhead's injured leg. Anything to avoid looking at Kurama. "I'm sorry," he whispered. "I didn't mean to put you through all that. I…is there anyway…I mean…can you forgive me?"

There was a moment of silence, before Kurama reached out and placed a hand on Hiei's chin, lifting the smaller man's head and forcing their eyes to meet. The redhead smiled slightly, more tears spilling over. "You couldn't help it. You were dead."

Hiei smiled and reached up to lace his fingers through a lock of Kurama's hair. "Remember what I always told you? Death cannot stop true love. All it can do is delay it for a while." He smiled and wiped Kurama's tears away with one hand, placing the other on the back of the redhead's neck. "C'mere," he murmured, pulling his lover's head down for a kiss.

It was a long while before the two finally broke apart. "I think they're gone. If we hurry and leave before they come back maybe we can—"

"Hiei?" Kurama said, smiling. "Stop talking."

Hiei smiled back, reaching up to place his other arm around Kurama's neck. "Bite me."

After several minutes, Hiei finally yanked them both back to earth. "Kurama? We need to run away now."

"Oh…right."

Hiei kissed Kurama again, then went back to kneeling in front of him. "Can you walk?"

"I think so. As long as we don't have to climb any more hills for a little while."

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have made you walk all that way."

Kurama shook his head. "I gave you no reason to trust me. I'm sorry, Hiei. For not waiting for you."

"Hey, you said it yourself. I was dead." He pretended to look uncertain. "But…you _are_ gonna dump Karasu, right?"

The redhead smacked him over the head. "I'll have to think about it. He _is_ rich, after all. _And_ a prince…"

Hiei laughed and stood, swinging Kurama into his arms and planting a kiss on his forehead. "I love you."

"Good to know." Kurama rested his head against Hiei's shoulder and Hiei held him protectively as he headed away from the little cave toward the forest nearby.

"So, I was thinking," Hiei said as they neared the forest.

"Hmm?" Kurama's voice was sleepy.

"Hey, don't fall asleep on me. We need to get somewhere where Karasu won't follow and then you can sleep for the rest of your life. Or…three days, because by then I'll be lonely."

Kurama chuckled. "Right. Three days of sleep and I'm all yours." He yawned. "So what's your idea?"

"Well, we know that Karasu's obsessed with you." Hiei scowled. "And we know that he's a lunatic. And we know that he has the power to find you as long as we stay on land. So…"

"Your ship," Kurama finished quietly.

"…Right. I miss it. And…I think you'd fit in there. If you wanted to come."

"Would…would you be there?"

"Are you kidding me? It's my ship!" Hiei chuckled and gave Kurama a gentle hug. "Everything would go to hell anyway, if I wasn't there—I'm terrified to find out what they did to it in my absence. But it'll be just you and me. And the crew. On a ship. In the middle of the ocean. _Away from Karasu_. Do I need to break it down for you anymore?"

Kurama looked around sadly. "There's nothing for me here. I just want to be away."

"You got it." Hiei placed a kiss atop Kurama's hair.

"So…what's the story, Hiei? Where've you been?"

"Well, that's kind of a long story."

"I'm not going anywhere and I'd really like to know."

Hiei sighed. "Okay." He stopped and set Kurama on the ground at the base of a tree, sat down behind him, and pulled the redhead back to rest against his chest. He began to play absentmindedly with Kurama's hair. "Where do I start?"

"How about with 'I love you, I missed you, and I'm sorry I didn't come back'?"

Hiei smiled slightly. "I love you, I missed you, and I'm sorry I didn't come back. Now what do you want to know?"

Kurama turned his head to rest it on Hiei's shoulder. "Everything?" he asked tremblingly.

Hiei's soft chuckle rumbled against Kurama's back. "All right. Everything, then." He tightened one arm around his lover and continued playing with the red hair with his free hand. "Well, you remember the day I left, don't you?"

"All too well."

"Well, that turned out to be the day that the pirate Roberts and his crew were near the port of Florin. And _I_, being the foolish, desperate moron that I was, stowed away on _his_ ship. Out of all the ships in the harbor, I chose _his_! Can you imagine?"

"Knowing you and your luck as well as I do, I can't say I'm surprised."

"Watch it, or I might go find Karasu myself," Hiei threatened with a laugh to take the edge off his words. "Well, anyway, people weren't lying when they said Roberts was a ruthless man. He ordered my head cut off as soon as he found me, which…not very nice."

"Why do I get the feeling there's mayhem coming?"

"You know me too well. But there were a lot of them. I mean, who knew you could fit that many people onto one ship? And I'm good, but I'm not _that_ good. So they…well, you know. Pirates are always looking for new crew members."

"They made you a _crew member_? You left me here to rot for all that time so you could be a _pirate_?"

"Well, I wasn't so much a _pirate_ as a slave _to_ a pirate, so…"

"Oh. Okay, then. Continue."

"So anyway. I was a slave for about three years. And being a slave on a pirate ship…_not fun_. I'd tell you all that happened but your heart would stop and you'd die right here and rescuing you would have been pointless, so I'll keep it to myself, if you don't mind."

Kurama shuddered and that was enough.

"Well okay then. As I said, I was a slave for about three years before I got fed up with being beaten and ordered around. So I went into Roberts' cabin one night and challenged him to a duel."

"You always were very good with swords."

"And I told him that, but he didn't believe me."

"But why did you wait so long to challenge him?"

"Well, I had to learn how to sail first, didn't I? You see, that's the one good thing about being a slave. No one bothers to notice you as long as you do what you're told, when you're told, and then disappear. You can learn anything you need to know. So I listened and I watched and I waited, and by the time I was ready to challenge the captain for his ship I could sail it better than he could. So after I won the match—and it was not easy—the ship became mine, and I directed to crew to the harbor in Florin. I had a mind to go and find you immediately. By taking the ship I took everything on it—more than enough money for marriage. But while I was getting some food in a tavern at the docks, I heard someone say that the prince was to be married to a man named Kurama. I prayed it wasn't you, and asked the man what the prince's betrothed looked like. He told me he had seen you once before and gave me a description that could only have fitted one man. So I left. Recruited a new crew and left the others in the tavern completely wasted, cut my hair and died it, changed my eyes color and finally managed to grow after one of the new crew members gave me a potion, and I set sail. I told everyone I was Roberts and for two years I sailed the seas and tried to forget love. I never killed anyone, though. I knew you wouldn't like it."

"I'd heard rumors that the dead pirate Roberts had stopped killing, but I never believed them. But why did you come back?"

"Well, you know that Roberts was always in Florin at the same time every year. _This _time of year. The crew was out replacing our supplies and getting new weapons and I went back to the same tavern I always go to and I heard that the prince had returned from a two-year-trip around Florin and had not yet married. Then someone said that the prince's betrothed had been kidnapped and was going to be killed, and I, being the perfect, amazing lover that I am, rushed gallantly to the rescue. And here we are."

Kurama moved closer to Hiei. "And we'll _stay_ like this, right?"

Hiei smiled. "Forever, my love. I swear."

XXX

"_This_ is your ship?" Kurama asked. Then two had just reached the harbor, with Hiei carrying Kurama as though he weighed nothing at all.

"This is she."

"It's _huge_!"

"Biggest, fastest, most perfect ship in the ocean."

"Are you gonna make out with the sails now?"

Hiei rolled his eyes. "Come on."

"I can walk," Kurama said quickly.

Hiei blinked. "No you can't."

"I climbed the Cliffs of Insanity, didn't I?"

"…Okay. But as soon as we get on the ship you're going to sit down and not move until your leg heals." And Hiei put him down.

"Captain! You're back!" a man greeted Hiei once they reached the ship. The man was sorting through a box of weapons, but had paused to look up at them with a cheerful grin. "Where've you been? And who's this?"

"Never you mind," Hiei said firmly. "How long before we can set sail?"

"Within the hour, most certainly, sir."

"Good. Make whatever preparations you need to and if at all possible do it _without_ me. Now, this is Kurama. Kurama, this is Joseph Greeley."

Greeley nodded and smiled at Kurama. "Welcome." He then turned back to Hiei. "I'll go see to the rest of the cargo, then, sir."

"Do that."

"…Wow. You're…in _command_ now. It's…wow."

Hiei laughed. "Come on."

On the ship, Hiei brought Kurama to his cabin. It was large and equipped with reddish-brown wooden furniture. Hiei motioned for Kurama to sit on the bed and asked one of his crew members for the supplies for a proper splint, and then re-splinted Kurama's leg carefully. His work finished, he sat down on the bed next to Kurama and looked at the redhead. "You okay?" he asked, and Kurama knew he didn't mean physically.

Kurama smiled. "Better than I've been in a long time. You?"

Instead of answering with words, Hiei kissed his lover gently, Kurama's arms resting around Hiei's neck. After a while, the kiss broke and Hiei rested his forehead against Kurama's for a moment before pulling him down onto the bed. He pulled the covers over then both and put his arms around Kurama. "Go to sleep, love," he said softly. "You need it."

"I…don't want to," Kurama whispered.

"Why not? You're tired."

"I don't want the dream to end."

At that, Hiei's heart nearly broke. He wrapped his arms more tightly around Kurama, but didn't really know what to say, so he just began to stroke Kurama's hair with one hand.

"So…life as a pirate," Kurama said softly. "Is it all it's cracked up to be?"

Hiei laughed and ran his free hand up and down Kurama's arm. "And more. Adventures. Fame. _Great_ food."

Kurama moved down to rest his head on Hiei's chest, playing one hand over his lover's heart, just wanting to feel it beat. There was silence for a while, but it was a comfortable one.

"But y'know…" Hiei said softly, breaking the silence. He still hadn't stopped the stroking motions on Kurama's hair. "Life on the ocean…it's lonely. No one to talk to. You can't talk to the people you rob, of course, and most don't dare trust the crew for fear of mutiny, though it's not so hard here. It's…it gives you a lot of time to think. About…things. The people you've loved." He looked down at Kurama's face. "The people you've lost." He sighed. "I hated you, you know. For letting someone else have you. Someone who wasn't me. I hated you and I cursed the day we met. But I never once stopped loving you. Every day, I'd wake up before dawn, go up into the crow's nest, and watch the sunrise, and they were all so…empty. I thought about all the times we watched the sun rise and set together, and I actually cried, sometimes. And I dreamed about you at night. There wasn't one moment when I didn't consider breaking into the palace and…oh, I don't know. Taking you away."

"Why didn't you?"

"It's now that easy, Kurama! I thought you didn't love me anymore. I thought…"

Kurama sat up and looked down at Hiei. "You thought I was in love with Karasu."

"Well, you were engaged to the bastard! What was I supposed to think?"

Kurama stared at him for a moment, the anger and disbelief and regret springing up and then dying in his eyes, then lay back down and moved back to his former position. "I love you. I _love_ you, okay? And I'll keep on telling you I love you, until we're both dead and we can't talk anymore anyway. I'll never give you reason to doubt again. I promise."

Hiei smiled and kissed Kurama's forehead, resuming his petting of Kurama's hair. "Maybe it would be better if I never left your side again. Only bad things happen when I leave you."

Kurama grinned. "Agreed."

"I love you."

"I know."

"I always will."

"I know."

"I'm sorry for everything."

"Me, too."

"Go to sleep."

"Okay."

Silence fell again, and after a long while, Kurama's breathing evened out and Hiei knew that he slept.

A sliver of moonlight fell across Kurama's face as he slept, and Hiei watched him lovingly, continuing to stroke his hair although Kurama couldn't feel it. He didn't sleep at all that night. He just lay there and stared at his lover's face until the sun came up and the redhead began to stir in his arms.

And people said life was never perfect…

- - - - - - - - - -

Well, as the chapter said, that chapter was nothing but fluff! But hey, it was long due. The authoresses wanted it. Deal with it. And review, please, please, please!


	8. Occurences at Sea

DISCLAIMER: Can't own. No cash. We'll get over it.

- - - - - - - - - -

Three months later 

The ocean waters glinted as the first rays of sunlight touched the earth that morning. Hiei began to stir before the sun began to rise, rolling over and throwing his arm on the empty pillow next to him. He opened his eyes slowly and blinked. "K'rama?" he asked the empty room sleepily. Sighing, he rolled out of bed and searched for his clothes.

The gray dawn looked very gloomy, Hiei thought as he stepped onto the deck. "Have you seen Kurama?" he asked the only person nearby.

"Yessir, I saw him earlier. He didn't say much—he looked tired. Were you guys…uh…up late? Sir?" The guy gave a little grin.

"Get back to work, _Mr._ Straloch."

"Yessir."

A short search revealed Kurama in the crow's nest, leaning against its little wall and watching the eastern horizon. Hiei smiled and came up behind him, slipping his arms around Kurama's waist and placing his chin against the redhead's shoulder. "Whatcha doin'?" he asked softly.

Kurama smiled a little. "Waiting for the sun. I thought you were still asleep."

"I was, and if I recall, so were you. Why are you up so early?"

"I dunno. I had a weird dream last night."

"What kind of dream?"

Kurama shrugged. "Nothing important."

"Hey," Hiei said softly, seriously, tightening his arms around Kurama. "Are you still having nightmares?"

The redhead nodded slightly. "This one was especially bad. Usually they just come and take me away but this time…" His voice kept getting softer and softer. "They killed you," he whispered. "Right in front of m. And then they tried to make me come with them and I refused so…they killed everyone else. Benji, and Mr. Straloch, and Mr. Greeley…everyone. And then they took me back to the place…and you weren't there anymore…"

"Hey." Hiei forced Kurama to turn around and look him in the eye. He knew Kurama still feared Karasu's power to get what he wanted, but he hadn't known it was this bad. He searched Kurama's eyes, looking for a way to make the fear go away, but he was at a loss, so he just put his arms back around his lover's waist and laid his head against the redhead's chest. They stood like that for a long while, until the sun rose and bathed them both in its light. At last, Kurama pulled back and kissed Hiei gently. "I love you. So much." Another kiss, then, "I'm okay. Really. I promise."

Hiei smiled and kissed Kurama's forehead. "C'mon," he said, taking Kurama's hand. "Let's go get some breakfast."

He turned and started walking away, but Kurama tightened his hand on his lover's and pulled him back for yet another kiss. Hiei chuckled and placed a hand on the back of Kurama's neck, while Kurama wrapped his arms loosely around the still-smaller man's waist.

"Hey, lovebirds!" one of the sailors yelled, laughing loudly.

Hiei let out a low, annoyed growl as he pulled away from Kurama and leaned his forehead against Kurama's shoulder, sighing dramatically. Kurama laughed and dropped a last kiss on top of Hiei's head. "C'mon, breakfast sounds really good right now."

"Ugh. Fine." Hiei smiled. "But we're finishing this later."

XXX

A few hours later, Kurama stood talking to Benji, his closest friend among the crew, and looking around for Hiei as he talked.

"So how are you liking life at sea?" Benji asked, hammering a nail into the wooden rail he was fixing.

"I _love_ it," Kurama replied, honestly and without hesitation. "It's _so_ amazing. So much better than being back on land. At least here there's no Karasu."

"Yeah, everyone's pretty much on equal footing here. Captain sees to that."

Kurama looked at the deck and smiled, as he did every time Hiei's name was mentioned.

"You really like him, don't you?"

The redhead nodded, and began to giggle like a school girl.

Benji laughed. "Boy, you have got it _bad_."

Kurama began to laugh, too, just as Hiei came by, polishing his sword as he walked. "Hands where I can see them, Benji," he barked. Benji immediately dropped his hammer and threw his hands in the air, which only made Kurama laugh harder as he ran after Hiei. He caught his lover's hand and pulled him into a corner, kissing him gently. Hiei's sword fell to the deck with a clatter as he forgot entirely about the rest of the world.

"What was that for?" Hiei asked quietly, after Kurama pulled away.

Kurama shrugged. "I don't think I do it nearly often enough." Grinning, he pulled Hiei back to him. They lost track of how long they stood in the corner, just kissing and occasionally murmuring, "I love you." Several of the crew members passed them, but they all just smiled and walked away, some of them shaking their heads and laughing softly. It had been a long time since any of them had seen Hiei happy.

Perfect happiness is always so short-lived…

The lovers' cute little moment was interrupted by a loud, resounding _crack_. The boat swayed alarmingly, and Hiei lost his footing. His eyes wide, he wrapped his arms in a death grip around Kurama's neck and shoulders as he scrambled for balance. "WHO CRASHED MY SHIP!"

A pirate by the name of Sebastian was the first to answer. "Sir, another ship. It came out of nowhere, sir."

"_OUT OF NOWHERE!" _Hiei growled.

"Hiei, darling, I don't mean to interrupt, but breathing…it's starting to become an issue," Kurama gasped, still in Hiei's death grip.

"Sorry," Hiei yelped and released his love, then gave him a quick apologetic kiss. After he reverted back to his crew. "Ships don't come out of nowhere! Who was the lookout!"

"Me, sir," Benji said in a small voice from the crow's nest.

"And…why is there a hole in my ship, pray tell?" Hiei asked pleasantly, trying to be calm, being that Kurama liked Benji the best.

"Well…um…the ship…it…it was a merchant ship of some kind…sir…" Benji said very shyly.

"Benji."

"Yes, sir?"

"Fix my ship!"

"Yes, sir! Right away, sir!" Benji nodded and quickly went to tend the ship.

Hiei bent his head and began muttering to himself. "I can't believe I did that."

Kurama smiled. "I'm proud of you."

"My…ship…" Hiei whimpered.

"Benji will fix her up. She'll sail again, Captain."

"What did I tell you about calling me captain?"

"Not to…?"

Hiei kissed one of Kurama's hands, then walked away a few steps. "I'm going to check the damage," he said without turning. "Afterwards, I want you to report to my cabin."

Kurama grinned. "Great, because it's my cabin, too."

Hiei couldn't help but smile. "Bite me."

"I love you, too."

XXX

Hiei wandered out onto the deck, Kurama following close behind. "Who'd we hit?" Hiei asked out of plain curiosity.

"With all due respect, sir," said Mr. Straloch, "_they_ crashed into _us_."

The sailors chorused in with an ominous "ooooohhhhh…" They knew that Hiei couldn't punish his crew for being idiots—because this wasn't their fault—then the ones actually _at_ fault…well, let's just say, this was _not_ going to be pretty.

"What the _hell_ possessed them to do that? Do they know who _I_ am!" Hiei yelled, his eyes glowing with rage.

"The better question would be, do they care?" Kurama interjected.

"Note the sinister pirate flag, the semi-threatening crew—no offense…"

"None taken," murmured the crew members on hand.

"And the fierce captain with crimson eyes and bloodstained sword! To ignore those kinds of signs you'd have to be…" Hiei trailed off as he set his sights on the person steering the other ship.

He had sort of known it before he spoke, in retrospect, had felt it without really realizing what it meant, but now the realization hit him like a punch in the gut and for a moment he couldn't complete his sentence.

"…Blind. Can someone tell me _why_ the blind guy is steering that ship?"

One of the opposing ship's soldiers raised his hand and then proceeded to answer. "We were under the impression he had bat sonar or something…"

Hiei shook his head absently. "What're the odds?"

Kurama, who had not said a word, came forward suddenly and clung to Hiei's free arm, the other one of which was occupied by his katana.

Hiei squeezed the hand in his tightly, trying to convey to Kurama that he had everything under control. "But maybe I should be asking this. If we've got the Count of Florin, and all the idiot prince's useless lackeys, where, dare I ask, is the Prince of Fools?"

The man in question was, in fact, nowhere to be seen.

Yomi began to cough in that annoying, fake way. "Eh-hem…"

Awkward silence.

"Eh-_hem_!"

The cabin door behind Yomi opened slightly, and a small voice could be heard. "Say it."

Yomi sighed. "Say what, sir?"

"The line! Say the line!"

"I will not."

"Say it!"

"No!"

"I order you to say it!"

Yomi sighed and said in a monotone, with a look of deep disgust, "Introducing for the first time in recorded history, Prince Karasu and the Men in Tights." Once he was finished, he moved out of sight of everyone as if acutely ashamed.

With a burst of excitement Karasu flew out of his cabin wearing a frosty pink tunic and white tights. His head was adorned with a plastic crown, surrounded by fuzzy pink fluff, through which the word "PRINCESS" written in large golden letters was clearly visible. "We're men…men in tights…"

A line of soldiers wearing matching tights and similar outfits danced in, singing,   
We're men! We're manly men! We're manly men in tights!"

The soldiers then began to pirouette across the deck of Karasu's ship.

"I'm embarrassed," Hiei murmured, wide-eyed.

"For who?" Kurama blinked.

"For us," Hiei replied, staring out into the vast, empty ocean. "I hope we don't see anyone we know…" His left eye began to twitch visibly and uncontrollably, and the next second he shouted, "EVERYBODY SHUT UP!"

The entire place fell deathly silent.

"Thank you. Now…Yomi? You _are_ Yomi? Yes, I though so, I have a friend who is very interested in finding you, by the way…anyway, Yomi, you seem to be the most intelligent person over there. Can you tell me why all of you freaks are here? I mean, besides the fact that your ship is two inches away from mine and one of your crew members is uncomfortably close to my face, you don't seem to have anything happening here. Why are you people coming over to my ship…? Hey! Yomi! Get them off my ship! Hey! Leave that alone! No, no, no…no, that is a highly-stain-sensitive silk from Guilder! I have to sell that! _Yomi_! Call off the dogs, damn it!"

"We'll call them off when I have what I came for," Karasu replied. Remarkable, really, how the man could go from uncomfortably gay to uncomfortably sinister in a matter of seconds.

Hiei sighed. "Fine. You're pathetic, man. Destroy the ship. Have a blast. We're leaving."

Karasu blinked. He hadn't expected that he would actually have to _work_ to get Kurama back. Crap. "All right. Fine." He turned and nodded to Yomi, who barked an order at the prince's crew, and suddenly the crew was an army instead of a drama club, their swords, arrows, and daggers glinting in the sunlight as they drew various weapons.

"That complicates things a bit," Hiei muttered. "WEAPONS!"

After so long at sea together, Hiei and his crew had become a team, a seamless whole that cut down everything in their path. They made ready to do so now. Hiei handed Kurama his spare sword. "You ready?"

Kurama shrugged. "Just give me something to hit."

Hiei grinned. "That's my boy." He cast a quick look at his crew—his _family_—and realized that he was about to lose some of them. But they all loved Kurama, in one way or another, and they wouldn't have backed down even if Hiei had ordered them to. So he just prayed to whatever higher power would listen to him, and charged with one last command: "GIVE THEM HELL!"

There was a loud cheer, and the next thing anyone knew Karasu's soldiers had swarmed onto the _Revenge_, and the battle was on.

The first few minutes of the fight were chaotic. Hiei's crew was hopelessly outnumbered, but half of Karasu's men fell to Hiei's within half an hour. But then Sebastian fell, Mr. Straloch right after him, and Hiei's ranks began to break apart.

Kurama hardly noticed any of this. He had backed himself into a corner and focused on the area in front of him. Whatever entered that area, he struck down with a mechanical, slightly frightening single-minded concentration. He nearly took Benji's head off and after that his friends steered clear and let him handle himself.

"He's good," Benji commented conversationally to Hiei as the two fought side-by-side by the railing. "_Really_ good."

"I taught him everything I know," Hiei replied, slashing at one of Karasu's men. Their blades connected solidly, and a few seconds later Hiei tossed his opponent over the rail and into the ocean. Grinning in a self-satisfied sort of way, Hiei turned back to his friend—and froze.

Benji was lying on the deck, blood pooling around him, with an arrow in his side and a deep slash across his chest.

Kurama looked up just in time to see him fall. "_Benji_!" he screamed, in a voice very unlike his own. With strength born out of anger, he shoved his only other attacker easily out of the way and ran to his friend's side. Dropping to his knees, he stared at Benji for a moment before gently turning him over and gathering him up in a gentle embrace.

Benji smiled slightly, his face ashen. "I'm…sorry…I guess I…couldn't protect you…this time…"

Kurama's eyes clouded with tears. "Shh…" Benji winced as the redhead placed a hand over his chest, trying to stem the blood flow. He looked up as Benji's breathing grew shallow and his pulse weakened.

Men from both sides were lying on deck, surrounded by their own blood, and the ones who were still alive were fighting with everything they had to stay that way. This wasn't going to stop, unless…

His face hardened as he gently laid Benji on the deck, wiping away a single tear. Tears were useless now. He stood mechanically, his heart full of lead. "Take care of him," he said to Hiei, and then he spoke to the whole crew. "Stop."

It wasn't spoken loudly, but everyone heard it as it cut through the noise. One by one, swords dropped to the deck, making loud clattering noises. Kurama walked slowly toward Karasu, ignoring everyone's stares and avoiding Hiei's eyes. He stopped in front of Karasu, looked the prince in the eye, and said, "Call them off. Let Hiei and the crew live, and I'll return with you to Florin."

"Kurama, what…?"

Kurama motioned for Hiei to be quiet, not breaking eye contact with Karasu. Karasu nodded, a look of sickening satisfaction on his face, and motioned for his crew to return to their ship. They did so, and Karasu followed, muttering to Yomi as he passed, "Let the rest go, but take Hiei to the island." Then he returned to his ship and to his cabin.

Yomi stepped forward and took Kurama's arm. "Come with me…my lord."

Kurama nodded. "Wait," he said quietly, as Yomi began to lead him away. "Can I…say goodbye?"

Yomi looked down at Kurama, and a strange feeling entered his soul. Pity? Was he actually feeling _sorry_ for someone? He smiled, a gentle, genuine smile. "Of course."

Hiei's eyes were wide as Kurama came over to him. Kurama took his lover's hand and met his eyes. "Come on, love," he whispered. "Don't look so sad."

"But…"

"We'll see each other again." Kurama's voice radiated strength the redhead did not feel. "I promise."

"But…no. No. We can fight them."

"No, Hiei. You we can't."

"But we…I…"

Kurama smiled softly, and kissed Hiei.

"Kurama…"

"I _will_ find you again."

"But…what if something happens? What if…what if he kills you? Or me?"

Kurama kissed Hiei's forehead, then his lips. "Death cannot stop true love," he whispered, his voice breaking. "All it can do is delay it for a while." He squeezed Hiei's hand. _Remember?_

Hiei had no reply, so he just placed his hand on the back of Kurama's neck and pulled the redhead down, touching their foreheads together. The kiss that followed was like their first and their last all rolled into one, and it would have gone on much longer if Kurama hadn't broken it off. He had to end it, before he was tempted to stay and let the feud begin again. He wiped Hiei's tears gently away, but strangely enough, his own eyes were dry. The moment he had feared for months had at last arrived, and he felt nothing. He placed one last kiss on Hiei's forehead—and turned away.

"I love you, Kurama," Hiei whispered. He turned away, picked Benji up off the deck, handed him to Mr. Straloch, who was standing again, and turned back to say one more goodbye to his love, only to find that Kurama was already standing on the deck of Karasu's ship. The redhead's expression hardened to one of firm resolve, and he turned away. He did not see Yomi step forward to take Hiei's arm.

"Lies do not become you, Yomi," Hiei said calmly, his eyes not moving from the figure that was slowly shrinking into the distance.

Yomi nodded, looking genuinely sorry. "I follow the orders of my prince," he said, to both Hiei and the crew. "I'm sorry. I am, truly. But…you have to come with me now. And…if your crew tries to help you…I'll have to kill them. You know I can."

Hiei nodded calmly, his eyes still focused on the ship. "I know you can." He addressed the crew now. "Prepare a boat. And…if Benji lives…the ship is his. He's earned it." And without looking back, he and Yomi climbed into one of the lifeboats, and Yomi began to row in the opposite direction of Karasu's ship.

They rowed for a very long time in complete silence, Hiei staring at the bottom of the boat and keeping utterly still, before they reached a small island. Yomi motioned him out onto the beach and told him to stay. Hiei did so. What was the point of fighting anymore?

"I really _am_ sorry," Yomi said softly.

Hiei said nothing as he turned away. Yomi stood watching him for a long time, before he got back in the boat and rowed away.

XXX

Back on the _S.S. Royale_, Karasu came out of his cabin just in time to find Kurama about to go into the cabin that had been set up for him. "Hello, Kurama."

Kurama looked up at Karasu, but said nothing except, "Don't…say my name."

"You know, I thought everyone loved me, but _you_ seem to have a little trouble grasping that concept.

Kurama's eyes flashed. "It'll be a snowy day in hell before I ever fall in love with you, _Your Highness_."

Karasu chuckled and ran his fingers through Kurama's hair. "Careful, Kurama. I've got the power here. And I'll use it. You want your beloved Hiei to stay alive, do you not?"

Kurama froze. He stood there for a full minute, then bowed his head. "Your Highness. You have me. From this day forward."

Karasu smiled. "Good."

Watching him walk away, Kurama felt something in him die. He entered his cabin, looked around dismally, and went over to the bed. He sat down, curled up beneath the blankets, clutched a pillow to his chest, and let the tears fall, crying himself to sleep.

He did not cry again for a very long time.

And on a tiny island, an unimaginable distance away from Kurama, a small man with spiky black hair curled up on the sand, clutching a rose that his lover had given him long ago with the promise that, like his love, it would never die. He stroked the vibrant red petals gently as he fell into an uneasy sleep.

It was all he had left to hold on to.

- - - - - - - - - -

AN: Okay, I bet I know that you're thinking: "When does it get _funny_ again!" Well, don't worry, the comedy has NOT left the building! But this _had_ to happen for everything to go the way we've planned, and we didn't want to be disrespectful of the sad quality of this scene, so it was depressing rather than comical. But don't run away yet! I promise, there WILL be laughs! Review, please!


	9. Occurences Elsewhere

DISCLAIMER: We own nothing.

- - - - - - - - - -

"This…bites," Hiei muttered, looking around at the beach that was apparently supposed to be his new home. There was a white beach that stretched all the way around the island, but the rest was only dense trees and brush. "If I was any more bored…I'd be dead."

XXX

Gilligan's Island is not as easy to live on as it sounds. It is, of course, named after a man named Gilligan, a very old, very decrepit old fool. Years before, a bunch of holy lunatics gathered up a group of random people they thought were blasphemous and "escorted" them to a random island in the middle of nowhere, leaving them with only a single fishing pole—and no bait.

Once the prisoners were secured, sorcerers within the clergy worked a curse upon the island. By the time they finished, there was no hope of rescue because the island couldn't be found except by those who already knew where it was.

Now, this group was comprised of a first mate, a skipper, a millionaire and his wife, a movie star, a professor and a southern farm girl. They were seven people who had done nothing wrong and only ended up where they were by unlucky chance involving their lifestyles. The millionaire and his wife were taken for their money, the clergy-men needed the professor's knowledge, the farm girl owned a lot of land that the Royal Family wanted, and the man who was king then—a grandfather of Karasu, incidentally—saw the movie star's pretty dresses and decided he wanted them, and so threw the movie star on the island. The captain and the first mate had nothing of value but were unfortunate enough to be piloting the ship that was taking the "criminals" to the island and so had to be marooned, as well, so they couldn't tell what they saw.

These innocents were trapped on the island for decades. The circle of holy men died out, until there was only one left alive. This man, on his deathbed, told his only living relative—his son, and Karasu's future father—the secret of the island's location. When Karasu's father died, the secret was passed to Karasu, who shared it with Yomi, his right hand.

One by one, the prisoners of the island perished. It was believed that a few had escaped but the rumors were never proven.

When Karasu became king, he ordered that a second curse be put on the island and anyone who was trapped there. Now, anyone who was marooned on that godforsaken spit of land was immediately besieged by visions of the past—visions of the first group to be sent to the island and the lives they led. These visions began once the prisoner was left alone on the island and only ended when the person was back at sea.

It was all rather comical, actually, to watch the trials and tribulations of these past prisoners. The professor could make a perfectly functional clock out of a pile of coconuts and the boat captain could take bamboo sticks and build huts that would stand through a hurricane, but they couldn't fix a hole in a boat. (This was a fact that greatly amused Hiei.) It was, however, more than enough to drive one mad after awhile. Kind of like watching the reruns of a really bad sitcom…and the _music_! The _same song_ accompanied _ever different vision_ and it was _annoyingly_ perky. Something about a ship taking two sailors and five passengers out for a three-hour tour and getting stuck on some stupid island…(Seriously, Hiei wondered, _what_ were the chances of that happening in real life?)

XXX

Benji sighed and closed the seventh book of _The History of Florin and Its Territory in Seven Volumes_, the book in which he had read this information. "That's an interesting story and all, but where is _Hiei_?" he muttered to himself.

The temporary captain of the _Revenge_ was sitting on his bed in his cabin, looking thoroughly miserable. His chest and side were heavily bandaged, his arm was in a sling, he had been confined in his bed by the ship's new doctor, and at the moment he hated his life more than he had ever hated anything in his entire existence.

"I can't _take_ it anymore," he muttered, slamming the book down on the bedside table just as the door swung open.

Erik Tavadon, the new ship doctor, was standing in the doorway with a grin on his face. "That's not very nice," he said teasingly, his eyes twinkling as he gestured toward the book.

"Ah, Erik. My newest and dearest friend," Benji snapped with a scowl.

"Aww. Poor Benji. We all feel for you, but you're being very annoying."

"You're fired."

"That's nice." Erik grinned again as he came to sit beside Benji and began to unwrap his bandages. "But we won't be anywhere near land for two more weeks, and until that time I am going to thoroughly enjoy making your life a living hell. And you and I both know that by the time we hit land you'll decide that you like having me around, and you'll realize that you've fired me three times already, and every time I shoot you full of painkillers and you change your mind. Let's just face the facts, Ben."

"I hate you."

"Liar." Erik smiled as he began to wrap Benji's injuries in clean bandages. "Well, it all looks good. You should be up and around in a few days."

"_Days_? I was thinking…you know…_now_."

"Stop complaining."

"You're enjoying this, aren't you?"

"Very much."

"Bite me."

Erik laughed and stood. "I'll send Mikail up with some food, and if you're a good boy and eat it all, I'll bring you some _chocolate_. Would you like that?"

"Go away."

Erik laughed again and nodded. "Fair enough. I'll see you later."

Benji watched him leave. The two had gotten to be good friends lately—and Erik was the only real friend Benji had left. The poor guy was just starting to realize how lonely being a leader was.

Sighing, he pulled a stack of maps toward himself and grabbed a bottle of ink, and a pen. Nearly every island was marked off as already searched. Hiei was nowhere to be found. With another sigh, Benji dipped his pen in the ink and studied the map. When Erik came back with a tray of food, Benji handed him the map. "Tell Jackson to set a course for Cuba."

"Cuba? Why? You don't…seriously think Captain Hiei is _there_, do you?"

"Why not?"

Erik set the tray in Benji's lap before sitting down beside him. "Why would our arch-nemesis take our captain whom he loathes and despises and place him on an island that is the very _embodiment_ of paradise?"

Benji sighed and leaned forward, placing his head in his hands.

"C'mon, Ben. What's really going on?"

Another sigh, and Benji said nothing.

"Benji?"

"I'm _tired_, Erik." He paused, but Erik said nothing, so he went on. "And so is the crew. We're tired of this ship and the ocean and if I have to eat any more sushi I'm going to rip my tongue out and force-feed it to Mikail."

Erik chuckled.

Benji smiled a little, but then his face became serious again. "We need a vacation, Erik. You as much as anyone else. And Cuba is close by and…it's perfect."

"And you're sure you're okay with this?"

"…What do you mean?"

"Well, the whole crew knows your story. You left Cuba for a reason, and now you're going _back_? Voluntarily?"

"…Looks like it."

"Benji…"

"Erik…please. Just…I have to get my crew on my side. I need them to be my friends again."

Erik smiled slightly. After a pause, he nodded. "Okay, I'll tell Jackson." He ruffled Benji's hair affectionately and stood. "Now _eat_. Your food is getting cold." He barely managed to get the door closed before Benji roared, "SUSHI! ERIK!"

XXX

Back at the palace in Florin… 

After a long day of riding his favorite horse through the meadows, Kurama returned to the palace in a slightly better mood than when he'd left. He and Karasu had had a huge fight that morning, and it ended with Kurama storming out of the palace and Karasu smirking in a self-satisfied sort of way. Then Kurama had gone to the stables and taken his favorite horse—a black stallion named Julius—and left.

It was dark now, and the palace was quiet and empty but for the night watchmen, the dogs, the cats, and the few servants wandering around. Kurama entered his room, took off his riding gloves, put them on the dresser, grabbed a book, and dropped onto the bed. He stared at the same page for the fifteen minutes and didn't take in a single word, and finally ended up throwing the book against the wall opposite and dropping back onto his pillows. The old Kurama would have been crying by now, but this new Kurama had no tears. He just felt…empty.

There was a knock on the door right at that moment. Kurama blinked. Karasu never knocked. "Come in," he said flatly.

Yomi entered, closing the door behind him, and leaned against it. He held a steaming cup of tea in one hand. Kurama stared at him, but said nothing.

These two weren't exactly friends, but they were no longer enemies. Yomi had told Kurama what had happened to Hiei, but refused to give the coordinates of the island. Kurama had gone crazy in a way he never had before, and tried to kill Yomi. After that, there had been a grudging sort of respect between the two. Neither of them could explain why.

"Karasu is leaving again. On a six-month voyage."

Kurama was silent for a moment before he spoke. "Good."

"He's making plans for the marriage. You're to be married the day he returns."

There was no reply.

Yomi felt pity stirring for the poor guy. Ever since that day on the _Revenge_, the prince's right hand had become increasingly inclined to experience human emotions. It was very confusing, but Kurama tended to bring out the softer side of humanity. "I wish there was something I could do."

"…There isn't."

Yomi sat down in a chair near the bed, placed the tea on the bedside table, and rubbed his eyes. "I know. But I can try." The words surprised even Yomi himself.

Kurama froze, then slowly sat up. "…What?"

Yomi knew without a doubt that Kurama was staring at him, probably with a look of innocent shock on his face. "I'm serious."

"Wha…? _Why_?"

Yomi shrugged. "Why not?"

"…Yomi. You. Are. _Evil_. Have you forgotten that little detail?"

"I remember."

"So why would you help me?"

Yomi smiled slightly. "Let's just say…an ancient booer showed me the light."

—FLASHBACK—

Yomi walked silently down the corridors, his mind jumbled. He had been bothered all day with thoughts of Karasu and Kurama's most recent explosion.

_There had been very few of those explosions in the month since Kurama had been taken to live in the palace. For the most part, the redhead had cooperated, smiling at the servants, talking to them as friends, and working alongside them as they did their work. He even greeted Yomi in a perfectly civil manner when they passed in the corridors. But the only words he said to Karasu during all that time were said in anger, after he had been provoked into an argument._

_Through all this, Yomi remained conflicted. He had always followed Karasu because he liked power, and the brat prince was the quickest way to get it. But he had taken a liking to Kurama for reasons he himself couldn't explain and he was tired of being on Karasu's side. Helping Kurama, though, would only complicate his own life, and Yomi had a lot to risk. _

_So he was very confused and so distracted that he ran smack into someone as he turned the corner. Startled, he listened hard, but heard no one. The corridor was empty._

"_Down here, you useless mound of flesh."_

_Yomi jumped at least a foot in the air and looked down to stare blindly at the point next to a very small old woman who was glaring up at him. "Watch where you're going!" she barked. _

"_I'm very sorry, miss…"_

"_Hell-raiser! I'm a hell-raiser! Now stop talking to me like I'm an old lady!"_

_Yomi blinked. "But you _are_ an—"_

"DID I SOUND LIKE I WAS FINISHED!" "Um…no. I'm sorry, ma'am…" 

"_You should be. Now, you looked preoccupied."_

"_I…was…"_

"_Well, then follow me, and we'll talk." She began to walk away, saw that Yomi was not following her, and stopped to look back. "WHAT, ARE YOU WAITING FOR YOUR WALKING STICK? MOVE IT!" _

_Yomi jumped. "Yes, ma'am!"_

"_Now, I think I know what this is about," the old woman said as they began to walk side by side._

"_You do?" Yomi asked in surprise._

"_This is about the new boy and that bastard Karasu." _

"_Them's fightin' words, old woman."_

"_What're you gonna do about it, you useless six-eared bag of entrails?"_

"_Er…nothing. And yes, that's what I'm worried about. Sort of."_

"_I know. Let me guess, you've taken a liking to the redhead Kurama?"_

_Yomi said nothing. _

"_I thought so. I think we all have. Even I can't find anything to insult about him. But the problem is, you've been the bad guy for too long and now you don't know how to switch over and start helping the good side. Am I right?"_

_Again, no answer._

"_I'm right." And much to Yomi's surprise, the Ancient Booer began to whack Yomi repeatedly over the head. "THAT IS THE MOST PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR WEAKNESS I'VE EVER HEARD IN MY LIFE! THAT'S RIGHT, YOU'RE _WEAK_, I SAID! _WEAK_! NOW GO MAKE A PLAN AND HELP THAT BOY! GO!"_

"_Ow! But I—"_

"NOW!" 

"_All right, all right, I'm going! Ow, ow, _ow_! I said I was going! LAY OFF, YOU CRAZY OLD BAT!"_

—END FLASHBACK—

"Oh, you talked to Genkai?" Kurama asked, perking up a little.

Yomi blinked, a shocked expression on his face. "She has a _name_?"

"Well, of course she does. What did you think people called her?" There was genuine laughter in Kurama's voice now.

Yomi shrugged. "I've always just heard people call her 'The Ancient Booer.'"

Kurama smiled and reached for the tea on the table, taking a sip. "That's what they all call her. It's a sort of title of respect, I think." He laughed suddenly. "Even Karasu's willing to admit he's scared of her."

It was a few minutes before their laughter died, but when it did, it left Kurama looking more depressed than ever. He stared out the window without actually seeing anything and sipped his tea absently as he asked, "Do you think he's all right, Yomi?"

Yomi sighed. "I…don't know, Kurama. I really don't know. But I've made up my mind."

Kurama's eyes snapped to Yomi's face. "About…what, exactly?" he asked, his eyes hopeful.

"I'm going to get Hiei off that island. I'm going to get him back for you."

"Can…you do that?"

Yomi smiled. "I put him on that godforsaken stretch of sand, I can take him off of it. I promise."

XXX

Li: My _God_, I'm tired. That was a loooong shoot…"

Ava: **stretches out in her chair** We have _got _to get Hiei off that island.

Adara: Tomorrow, Ava. Tomorrow.

Ava: **sings** The sun'll come out…tomorrow…

Cheese Man: I like cheese…

Li: That's nice, dear. **stands up** Cheese man, be a dear and go get Hiei, will you? I want to talk to him about tomorrow's scenes.

**Cheese Man leaves, and Kurama walks up to them**

Kurama: Have any of you seen Hiei?

Adara: Li just sent Cheese Man to find him. They should be—

**Hiei suddenly comes up and kisses Kurama**

Adara: **blinks** Never mind…

Kurama: **kisses Hiei back and stumbles into the nearest unoccupied trailer**

Li: Wait! Hiei! I need to…talk to you about…okay, we'll talk later, that's fine.

Ava: You're all freaks…**flips through a stack of papers**

Li: Hey, has someone been keeping tabs on the Nac Mac Feegle? Rob Anybody was talking about stealing the sheep yesterday. Did anyone ever find out if he went through with it?

Adara: Affirmative. There were two of them missing this morning and now we can't find Rob, Daft Wullie, or Not-As-Big-As-Medium-Size-Jock-But-Bigger-That-Wee-Jock-Jock. We think they ran away.

Ava: **writes something down on one of her papers** They'll be back. The rest of the clans are still here and they won't leave without them. Blue guys are weird that way.

**Hiei suddenly storms out of the trailer very angrily, comes over to them, and holds up three little blue men that he's holding by the shirt collars**

Hiei: Do these belong to you?

Rob Anybody: Put us _doon_! Ya go' no right! Feegle-handlin', that's wha' this is! Put us _doon_, ya wee little man!

Hiei: _I'm_ little?

Daft Wullie: That's right! Now put us _doon_!

Hiei: Fine! **drops the Feegles**

Li: Did they return the sheep?

Rob Anybody: We did! Yep, we did! Can we go now?

Li: Yeah, go on. Get out of here. **calls after them as they flee for their lives** And leave the sheep _alone_! I _mean _it, Rob!

Daft Wullie: Oh, waily, waily! She's on to us, waily!

Rob Anybody: Run like the blazes, lads!

**Feegles run away**

Hiei: Li, I want you to keep those little fleas _out_ of me and Kurama's general vicinity at _all times_!

Li: **tries to keep a straight face** Yes, Hiei.

Ava: **lips twitch as she tries not to smile** Hard to do your best work with _them_ crawling in your hair, Hiei?

Adara: Yeah, Hiei, just _what_ were you two doing before _they _interrupted you?

Hiei: **scowls** None of your business.

Li: Oh, on the contrary, Hiei. As director and _your_ boss, I think I have every right to know what…_indiscretions_ my cast commits off the set.

Hiei: **glares and storms away, cursing at the top of his lungs, and slams the trailer door shut behind him**

Adara: Do you _enjoy_ doing that to him?

Li: **looks very satisfied with herself** I gotta say, the sadist in me _does_ wait for an opportunity to rear its ugly head. Is it my fault Hiei's always there when it does?

Ava and Adara: Yes.

**At that moment, Kurama and Hiei run screaming out of the trailer. Karasu follows them waving a pink evening gown in the air**

Karasu: Oh, come on, Kurama! It'll look so good on you!

Kurama: Get away from me, you mental patient!

Hiei: Have you been diagnosed?

Karasu: Kurama…**whines** Pwease?

Kurama: No! Go _away_!

Hiei: Anyone wanna explain to me how we ended up in _Karasu's_ trailer, of all the trailers on the set?

Kurama: I have no idea. Li. Call off the rabid puppy dog, please!

Li: Why? **grins evilly** I wanna see you in the dress…

Kurama: Gah! **grabs Hiei's hand and runs away with Karasu chasing them both**

Ava: You're mean.

Adara: This place is chaos…

Ava: Hey…how is that sheep moving without using its legs? **looks at the sheep that's moving off the set seemingly through no will of its own**

Li: Oh, I am going to _kill_ Bob! **Sighs** Cheese Man! Catch that sheep, please!

**Cheese Man runs off after the sheep holding All-Powerful Cheese Slices**

Adara: He's very convenient to have around.

Li: Kinda creepy, though…

Ava: Karasu likes him, though.

Adara: What does that tell you?

Ava: That…they share a similar interest in the debate over Swiss or American cheddar?

Li: _How_ do I even _work_ with you two?

Adara: Not very well.

Li: Obviously.

- - - - - - - - - -

SPECIAL AUTHOR'S NOTE: Okay, we just wanted to give a special shout-out! Today happens to be the birthday of a certain Black Water-Fox, one of our reviewers! Hi, Fox Person! We know it's not much, but we wanted to get this up for your birthday. We also know there's only one cut in this chapter and you requested more of them, but Ava wrote this on her own and when she's not writing with Li-chan her creative ability suffers and the humor just isn't there the way it should be. That, and she was listening to the RENT soundtrack while she wrote the end of this chapter, and it depressed her. Anyway, she promises to write with Li-chan next time and there'll be a _lot_ more humor. We already have a lot of plans for the next chapter and it'll be funny! Oh, and sorry this came up so LATE! It couldn't be helped, honest!

Happy Birthday, Fox Girl!


	10. Benji's in Love, Hiei's A Whack Job

DISCLAIMER: I'll make it simple: we own what belongs to us, we don't own what belongs to someone else.

- - - - - - - - - -

—In front of Hiei's trailer—

Hiei: **puts arms around Kurama's waist** We've got half an hour before we start shooting. What _shall_ we do with our time?

Kurama: **smiles and leans down to kiss Hiei** How about I go and get us some breakfast and then we'll go in our trailer and refuse to come out until Li claws out her own eyes and kills us all?

Hiei: **grins evilly** Payback's a bitch.

Kurama: You're mean.

Hiei: She drives me crazy!

Li: **yells from where she's talking to Ava and Adara** Damn straight!

Hiei: No one asked you!

**Kurama walks off laughing**

Hiei: **taps foot** Bored….

**cross dresser suddenly comes up to Hiei**

Cross dresser: Hello, sir.

Hiei: **raises eyebrow as he looks over the cross dresser's outfit** What the hell are you supposed to be?

Cross dresser: **smiles brightly** Not _what_, sugar. _Who_. I'm Angel.

Hiei: You did _not_ just call me 'sugar'.

Angel: **blinks politely** I'm sorry, was I not supposed to?

Hiei: …KURAMAAAAAA!

Kurama: **runs over looking terrified** What is it, what's wrong?

Angel: Oh my God! _Kurama_?

Kurama: **does double-take** _Angel_?

Angel: **runs forward and hugs Kurama** Oh my God, you look so _good_!

Kurama: So do you!

Hiei: You _know_ this guy?

Angel: _Girl_, if you please, and yes he does.

Hiei: **looks at Kurama** Did you… you know…

Kurama: Date him? Yes.

Hiei: _What_?

Angel: Take it easy, honey. It was only for a little while, before we both figured out we liked men who were more… well, male.

Kurama: And while we're on the subject… **puts arm around Hiei's shoulders** Angel, _this_… is Hiei. The love of my life and the guy who caused me to leave you.

Angel: Oh, he's so _cute_! **squeals and hugs Hiei**

Hiei: In the name of the seven hells, get it off me! Kuuuraaaamaaaa!

Kurama: **trying not to laugh** Yes, Hiei darling?

Hiei: Get him off me or we're _over_, I swear!

Kurama: Riiight.

Hiei: I mean it!

Kurama: Whatever helps you sleep at night, Hiei.

Random voice: Angel? Where are you?

**Angel lets go of Hiei**

Hiei: Thank whatever gods are listening….

Angel: Over here, sweetie!

**Guy comes over, slips his arm around Angel's waist, and kisses him**

Angel: Collins, this is Kurama and Hiei.

Tom: Your old boyfriend?

Angel: Yep. And Kurama, this is Tom Collins, the guy who caused _me_ to leave _you_.

Li: **comes over from where she was talking to Ava and Adara** _How_ do these random _people_ keep getting onto my set? Do we have any security _at all_?

**Ava comes up behind Li and points at a nearby table where several very fat guys dressed in security uniforms are sitting and eating doughnuts**

Li: Dear God… Someone kill me….

Kurama: Li, this is-

Li: A random gay and his random cross dresser boyfriend, and I'll talk to you all later, I promise but right now it's almost time to shoot.

**Hiei runs away happily and Kurama follows smiling apologetically at Angel**

Li: **mutters to herself as Angel and Tom walk away** Now that takes care of everyone but Karasu. Hey, Ava?

Ava: **comes over** What?

Li: Did you see where your sister went?

**Adara comes out of Karasu's trailer screaming with Karasu chasing after her with a little pink book**

Ava: Into Karasu's trailer, apparently.

Karasu: Adara, you're not _listening_ to me!

Adara: La, la, la! I cannot hear you! You do not exist!

Karasu: Adara, you don't have any reason to be mad! I simply pointed that your manners are not what they should be! See, it says right here! 'Etiquette is not about_ you_. It's about acting with respect, kindness, and consideration for _others_!' Where's the respect for others, Adara? Huh? Huh? _Huh_? What now, Adara! _WHAT NOW_!

Li: Karasu, it's time to shoot! Get to the set!

**Karasu walks away yelling insults at Adara**

Ava: Jeez, what'd you do?

Adara: I don't know what you're talking about.

Li: What were you doing in his trailer, anyway? Get lost?

Ava: Lose a bet?

Li: Misplace a pink tutu?

Ava: Do you even own a tutu?

Adara: Um… no… not last time I checked. I went to get him so we could start shooting.

Ava: **groans** Adara…

Adara: What? **clueless**

Li: You broke our #1 rule! Our _only_ rule, really! The _one rule_ we vowed to _never break_!

Adara: Huh?

Li: **whips paper out of her pockets, adjusts glasses, and reads** Rule #1 in the _Survival Guide to Movie Making_: Never, under any circumstances, enter Karasu's trailer, for any reason, _ever_!

Adara: Well, _someone_ had to, and I couldn't bribe anyone else to do it! **shudders** It was _scary_ in there! Seriously, pink tulle everywhere, pictures of Kurama plastered all over the walls, _glitter_…I could tell you horror stories about that place that could make your hair curl…

Li: Please don't. Okay, people, time to shoot!

XXX

The _Revenge_ finally sailed into a Cuban port with a very tired crew. Once they'd docked and gotten organized, the men all ran off the boat, shouting in joy.

"Land!"

"Real food!"

"Fresh water!"

"Beer!"

"_Women!"_

Benji and Erik stood side-by-side on the dock, laughing as they watched the sailors run off.

"Hey, we're missing someone…" Benji commented.

"Really, who--?"

"_CUDDLEMUFFINS!"_

And Benji suddenly found himself in a stranglehold from behind. It was then that Erik found out that when Benjamin Gueverra was terrified, he screamed like a girl. "AAAAHHHH! GET IT OFF! OH, MY GOD, WHAT _IS_ IT? GET IT OFF ME! I SWEAR TO GOD, ERIK, IF YOU DO NOT GET THIS THING OFF ME I'M GOING TO RIP YOUR ARM OFF AND BEAT YOU TO DEATH WITH IT!"

The person who was strangling Benji let go and frowned, saying in a pouty voice, "What is it, Mr. Wonderful? You don't seem happy to see me."

Erik blinked. "Who is this? And how have I never met him, if he's a crew member? Who is he?"

"A plague on all mankind. A parasite that never gets its fill. The first sign of the apocalypse. Pick one. They all apply." Benji sighed. "Erik Tavadon, meet Berkley Jay Shawn Taylor, a.k.a. Berkley, a.k.a. the thing that never shuts up."

Berkley squealed and launched himself at Benji again. "Oh, you don't mean _that_, my sexy little vixen!"

"Berk…ley…can't…breathe…"

Erik sighed. "As entertaining as this is, I really _must_ intervene." He sighed, grabbed Berkley by the back of the shirt, and set him on the dock. Benji fell face-first onto the dock. Erik sighed and began CPR. "Freaks…"

—Meanwhile, on the beach—

The men all ran off to find areas of interest. Mr. Greeley and Mr. Straloch hurried into the nearest bar, Mikail ran into a seafood restaurant to see if he could talk his way into kitchens, and Sebastian ran to the nearest woman.

That was when something…rather surprising happened. Things began to move in slow motion as he took her by the waist and swung her around in the air, Then her husband came over and things got ugly.

"Geeeeet ooooff myyyy wiiiiife!" the husband guy yelled, backhanding Sebastian across the face.

"Noooooo!" Sebastian yelled in reply, retaliating with a punch to the guy's jaw.

"Booooooys….stooooop!" the woman screamed.

—On the Dock—

Erik finally revived Benji a few minutes later, and the temporary captain stood and grabbed Berkley by the shirt collar. "YOU ALMOST KILLED ME, YOU MORON!"

"Uh…Benji?"

Benji turned when Erik tapped his shoulder, dropping Berkley onto the deck. "_What?"_ he snapped.

"Look…"

He did, and blinked. "What the hell…?"

"Since when can Sebastian make things move in slow motion?"

"Since now, apparently."

"Interesting."

"Yeah."

Berkley grumbled as he got up off the deck, rubbing his head. "My Hugglebunny is so mean to me…" Then his eyes brightened when he spotted a group of men standing over near the docks, and he started to walk away.

"Berkley! You almost killed me, so you owe me! Now get over here and take inventory!"

"Huh? Oh, you can take care of that, Benny…" And Berkley wandered off in the direction of the group he had his eye on.

"MY NAME IS _BENJI!_ _CAPTAIN_ BENJI TO YOU! _GET BACK HERE!"_

"Never mind him," Erik said, his eyes twinkling. "I'll help you with inventory…_Captain_ Benji."

Benji glared at his friend. "Never mind, _I'll_—"

But Benji suddenly cut himself off, staring at an area by the bar that Mr. Greeley and Mr. Straloch had gone into earlier. There, a group of children were learning a dance step from a red-haired man, who was laughing and dancing along with them.

"Benji?" Erik waved a hand in front of Benji's face. "Ben?" When he hadn't gotten an answer after about three minutes, he sighed and admitted defeat. "Fine, I'm going to get food, and then I'll be back to take inventory."

Long after Erik had gone, Benji stood in that spot and stared. It _wasn't_ him. It _couldn't _be.

After about five more minutes, the redhead looked up and spotted Benji on the docks, watching him. Smiling, he waved energetically and, not receiving a reply, shrugged and turned back to the children, trying to ignore the voice in his head that insisted the stranger looked familiar.

It took another few minutes for Benji to convince himself that he wasn't seeing things, and even then he had to convince himself to go over and talk to the redhead.

_Oh, look,_ Benji thought, _the dock isn't there, anymore. I must be moving…._

And quite suddenly, he found himself standing right behind the redhead that was causing him so much conflict. "M-Miguel?"

The red head froze.

"Are… are you Miguel Sanchez?" Benji asked in Spanish.

No answer, but the redhead stood up very slowly and turned around. "Why don't you all go back to your parents?" he said to the children, not taking his eyes off Benji. He, too, spoke Spanish.

The children ran off, leaving them alone.

"It_ is _you…."

The man- who, it appeared, _was_ Miguel- blinked. "Benji…." It wasn't a question. "You…. look good."

The absurdity of the statement was almost enough to make Benji laugh. "That's…. all? That's _all_ you have to say? You haven't seen me in ten years and you tell me I look good?" And then he _did_ laugh. "You haven't changed a bit, Miguel."

Miguel blushed. "Wh… what are doing back in Cuba?"

"I…. my crew, we…. I didn't know you were still in Cuba, or I never would have come. Miguel, I swear…. We'll go, okay? As soon as we've sold some stuff and gotten some money together, we'll-"

"Benji…. don't. Just…" But Miguel couldn't get the words out, and for lack of a better way to communicate he leaned up and kissed Benji, very gently. "Remember our promise?" he asked softly as he pulled away.

"That you would be my first kiss?"

"And vice versa." Smiling, Miguel kissed Benji again. "Promise fulfilled."

Benji started. "You…. waited? All this time?"

Miguel nodded. "I knew you'd be back. I always knew."

"….I waited, too." Benji smiled and placed his hands on Miguel's waist. "?Why does this not fell awkward at all?"

"I have no idea. It just feels…. right."

"This is weird I mean, I step off a ship to a home that I haven't returned to in ten years, I see first guy I ever fell in love with, and next thing you know…. It's like I never left. It's just…. impossible."

"Impossibly perfect."

"Like a dream."

"I've dreamt it before."

Benji smiled and took Miguel's hand. "Come on."

"Where?"

"Walk with me…. we have plenty of time to really…. Start something, you know? Right now I just…. want to talk to you."

Miguel smiled and nodded, giving Benji's hand a squeeze, and they walked slowly towards the bench and away from the bar.

Later, in the bar

"So that's it? _That's_ why you took to the seas?" Erik asked, talking a long drink from his beer mug. " Because of Miguel?"

"Yeah, I thought you knew," Benji replied.

"Well, there was speculation among the crew, but…."

"Jeez, don't you guys have anything better to talk about?"

"Nope." Erik smiled, taking another drink. "So what happened, exactly? How did you two meet?"

At that question, a far away look came over Benji's face. "_That_ I have no problem telling."

Erik laughed. "How old were you?"

"I think we were about…. oh, I dunno, about seven, I guess. Miguel and I were both

rich-"

"_You_ had _money_?"

"….Yeah…."

"Okay, just need to make sure I heard right. Continue."

"Well, from the time we were old enough to vocalize it, Miguel and I were talking about how we wished our lives could be different. Miguel wanted to open an orphanage for abandoned kids, and all I wanted was to be a sailor. We hit it off the moment we met and we were joined at the hip from that moment on."

"So what happened?"

Benji shrugged. "Life." He smiled slightly at the confused look on Erik's face. "My parents died in some freak accident when I was thirteen, right around the time I was thinking of going for a first kiss with Miguel. But with the death of my parents the money disappeared right along with them, I lost it all."

"What happened to their money?"

"I have no idea. All I know is that I never got any of it."

"So you just…. left?"

"It wasn't _my_ idea."

"Huh?"

Benji laughed. "Well, now that Miguel and I have actually _talked_, I know the real story, and I gotta say it makes me feel a lot better about my life."

"So? Tell! I'm incredibly interested in all of this…" Erik laughed, signaling to the barmaid, who came over and refilled his mug.

"Well, after I lost my parents, I was poor, you know? I had nothing- no money, no place to live, _nothing_. And Miguel's parents…. they had strict expectations for their son, you know?" He said bitterly. "When he fell in love, it would be with a rich, proper, perfect young _lady_ , and I, unfortunately, was none of those things. I was poor, outspoken, loved to fight and I was a _guy_.When Miguel told them he was in love with me…."

"Didn't go over well?"

Benji shock his head, signaling for more whiskey. "They disowned him. Of course, that was _after_ they'd convinced _me_ that I wasn't good enough for Miguel and that Miguel was in love with someone else." He let out another bitter laugh. "In retrospect, I don't know what's worse—them telling me that or me believing them. Anyway, after they told me that, I stowed away on the first ship I could find, and never looked back." He smiled slightly, glancing over at where Miguel was sitting with the rest of the crew, who were talking animatedly to him and kept ordering him drinks, which the redhead completely ignored in favor of less alcoholic beverages. Miguel kept smiling and blushing and looking at the tabletop, which only made the rest of the men—who were growing steadily more intoxicated as the night wore on—flirt with him more. This caused Miguel's blush to deepen, and the cycle continued. Every once in a while, Miguel would murmur something in Spanish, and since none of the crew spoke Spanish, they just nodded and smiled and called for more beer.

Erik laughed. "You'd better go get your boyfriend before he enters a permanent drunken state and you lose him forever."

"Are you kidding me? Miguel hasn't had a taste of alcohol in his entire life."

"I think they're trying to convert him."

"Never gonna happen."

"If they can do it to a nun they can do it to Miguel."

Benji's eyes got wide. "Good point." Quickly, he downed the last of his whiskey and stood. "See you later." Then he went over to the table and slid his arms around Miguel from behind.

"Like he never left," Erik muttered to himself. Then he chuckled, shook his head, and signaled for more beer.

"Whatcha doin'?" Benji murmured into Miguel's ear. The crew blinked and idly wondered that he had said.

"Processing," the redhead replied. He smiled and leaned back into Benji's embrace. "I still can't believe you're here."

After a moment, Benji took Miguel's hand and pulled him to his feet. "Let's get out of here. C'mon."

Miguel smiled and nodded. "Your crew is nuts, by the way," he informed Benji as they headed out the door into the night.

"Oh, yeah. They know."

XXX

Li: Cut! Okay, we have a fifteen minute break and then we go to the island! Someone go get the squirrel! What happened to Kurama and Hiei?

**Ava points to Hiei and Kurama, who are making out near the director's chair**

Li: NOT BY MY CHAIR! HIEI! KURAMA! _TO YOUR SEPARATE CORNERS!_

—After the restoration of Li's chair—

Li: **reads over script, every now and then pushing up her glasses in a geeky way **… AVA! ADARA! **bellows**

The girls arrive looking very tiresome 

Adara: **growls** Nobody likes to be summoned like a dog, ya know.

Li: Well, it worked, didn't it?

Ava: What do you want, Li?

Li: Nothing. Can't one just simply want to bask in the company of her bestest friends in the world?

Adara: Not you.

Li: Geez, what's up with you guys? I mean, hello, being crabby is my job and mine alone. Explain this rudeness to me, please.

Ava: Oh, my God! Don't _EVER_ say that word _EVER_ again! If I have to endure another session of "Etiquette by Karasu' I will poke his eye out with the salad fork he would not stop talking about!

Adara: Do you see what he's done to her? She said "ever" twice in the same sentence.

Li: **gasps** You're right, this is serious. Maybe I should go…talk…**looks as if the next few words are causing her extreme pain **…to Karasu.

Ava: **gasps** That means…

Li: I know.

Adara: Even after what happened like ten minutes ago? Hair curling horrors!

Li: I'm going in. And you can't stop me.

Adara: _NO! There has to be some way! _

Ava: **listening to headphones** La vie boheme!

Li: **heads into Karasu's trailer**

—Inside Karasu's trailer—

Li: Um, Karasu?

Karasu: **shrieks** You didn't knock! Horrible manners!

Li: O-kayyy…why do you have Hiei imprisoned in that chair with pink, frilly tulle?

Hiei: It burns! **Flails**

Karasu: Never you mind…Hiei, the knife is for eating!

Hiei: No! **attempts to cut tulle with butter knife** It is for escape! Sweet, sweet freedom!

Li: We really need to get you off that island, Hiei. **turns to Karasu** Karasu, I'm here to address the issue of "The Little Pink Book of Etiquette."

Karasu: What about it?

Li: Frankly, it's driving everyone crazy.

Hiei: It's like being tied to the hood of a yellow rental truck, being packed in fertilizer and fuel oil, being pushed over a cliff by a suicidal Mickey Mouse!

Li: Yeah…like that.

Hiei: **mutters** I gotta…gotta…gotta…gotta…gotta…get out of here!

Li: **sighs and yells out the door** Kurama! Come get your boyfriend!

Kurama: **stumbles into trailer** Oh, my dear God!

Li: I know.

Kurama: I feel my brain turning to mush!

Li: Exactly.

Kurama: **unties Hiei and pushes him out of the trailer** C'mon, hon. We're going to go get you some good drugs for this.

Hiei: All the little birdies go tweet tweet tweet…**giggles**

Li: Okay…so…good talk…um…bye. **Flees**

Karasu: It is so hard to find decent people these days…**sees Cheese Man** Hey! You! Cheese Man!

Cheese Man: Ahhh! **throws Swiss cubes at him**

Karasu: **runs** Ah! No! Not the hair!

Cheese Man: **pelts him with more cheese**

Karasu: **hides in trailer**

Cheese Man: And don't you ever hurt my cheese again!

Li: What happened?

Adara: Karasu used his cheese to make cheese fondue.

Ava: You should have seen him when he found out. It was heartbreaking.

Li: Okay, people, to your places! The next scene is about to start!

XXX

—Meanwhile, on some Godforsaken island in the middle of nowhere—

Hiei hated squirrels. They were annoying. They were cute. And they _chattered_. And now, because of _Yomi_—rat bastard—he now had to _converse_ with one. All because of a misunderstanding about a stupid acorn. The squirrel had _stolen_ that acorn. It had _taken _that which didn't _belong_ to it. And Hiei just would not allow this. It would be morally _wrong_. And as the chief law enforcer and self-appointed governor of Gilligan's Island, it was Hiei's job to put an end to all injustice.

And he _really_ wanted that acorn.

So he stalked up to the squirrel, determined to be perfectly calm and level-headed, but all these thoughts flew out of his mind as soon as he saw the squirrel. That horrible, disgusting, conniving little ball of fur. Scowling, he stalked up to it and growled, "Squeakity squeaker squeakity squeak squeak squeaker." ("Hand over the goods.")

The squirrel stared at him, shaking uncontrollably. Its hands shot up above its head, and its acorn dropped to the ground.

"Thank you," Hiei said in a very dignified voice, taking the acorn between his thumb and forefinger and slipping it into his pocket. Turning, he walked off in a huff, and the squirrel hopped up a tree trunk and out of sight.

After a few minutes, Hiei reached the center of the small forest, where there was a bed made of palm leaves, a fire pit, a pile of wood and leaves, and a little palace made entirely out of acorns. He walked immediately over to the acorn palace and place the very last acorn carefully on top of the last tower. He was _finished_.

But it was not to be. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a coconut came flying out of nowhere, smashed into the acorn palace, and caused to entire thing to come crashing down. Up in the trees, a squirrel began the squirrel version of laughter.

"…Nooooo!" Hiei cried in despair. "Whyyyy? Why, gods? _Whyyyy_? Why _this_ island? Why _that_ squirrel! _Why?"_ Once the despair had passed, it was replaced by anger. He whipped around in the direction of the squirrel's chatter, shaking his fist…and another coconut flew out of the treetops and slammed into the side of his head.

Hiei's hands went up to catch it, and a cloudy look came over his face as he held it up at eye level. He smiled at the coconut, clutching it to his chest. "Kurama! I missed you _so much_! Oh, but you're so bald! Did that mean old prince make you lose your hair? Well, no worried, I'll just get you new hair! Here, this banana peel ought to do just fine. Now, what's happened to your face? Well, no matter…here…there, see? Now you have a face. Now, what would you like to do? Checkers? Would you like to play checkers? Okay! Wonderful! Now, what did I do with that board…?"

XXX

Li: And…scene! Hiei, that was _perfect_! I actually found myself going insane along with you! Oh, no, wait, that was because of Karasu…

Karasu: Li, you and I need to have a little talk about manners in the work place…

Li: **ignores Karasu and turns to Ava and Adara** Take a break, guys. We all need it. Karasu…take a pill, man.

Karasu: **brightly** Okay! **walks off and sees Hiei and Kurama making out behind their trailer, pokes head around trailer** FRATERNIZING WITH COWORKERS, _ARE WE_!

Kurama: **jumps three feet in the air** _God!_ Don't _do_ that! Jeez…

Karasu: **evil smile** Oh, _Hiei_…

Hiei: **glare** What?

Karasu: **holds up pink tulle** Lookie lookie what I got!

Hiei: Nooooo! **flees with a terrified scream**

Karasu: **chases after Hiei** Pink! Pretty, pretty pink! Pretty in pink!

Hiei: That movie _sucked_! Get away from me!

**Karasu chases Hiei all over the set with Hiei screaming in fear**

Ava: **comes up behind Kurama, who is watching and looking amused** You gonna do something about that?

Kurama: Not at the moment, no. **turns to Ava** Do you need something?

Ava: Yeah, Li's looking for you. She wants to go over your performance with the next scene. She's being all OCD again.

Kurama: Well, she's not our Li if she's not on the road to insanity. Where is she?

Ava: Last I saw she was yelling at Sazuka for dumping trash on her director's chair.

Kurama: Okay, I'm off, see you later. **walks away**

Ava: **mutters to herself** Now, how to occupy my time…? **sees Benji and Miguel over by the food table and grins evilly** Perfect…**goes over to them** Miguel, your parents are here.

Miguel: **spits water all over Benji** Wh-what?

Ava: Yeah, they wanted to come visit. Something about your grandfather dying and leaving you everything he had. You're supposed to go back to Cuba tomorrow and take over his business. Your parents are here to discuss the details. I told them to meet you at your trailer.

Miguel: **looks terrified and runs in the opposite direction of his trailer as fast as he can go, cursing in Spanish**

Ava: **laughs** I love doing that…

Benji: **pours a cup of coffee** You're mean.

Ava: Oh, like you haven't done it before.

Benji: Gets him every time.

—Meanwhile—

Adara: **enters Karasu's trailer after a great deal of debate over the idea** Karasu? Li wants to…oh, my _God_!

Karasu: **doesn't look up from fitting Hiei for a pink, frilly dress** I don't get why people are always saying that to me.

Hiei: **imprisoned to a wall with tulle and duct tape but looking quite calm** You know in _All in the Family_ when Edith would be babbling on and on about something and then Archie would pretend to hang himself or shoot himself in the head?

Adara: Yeah?

Hiei: Something about this moment just made me think of that. **begins to laugh hysterically** Look at all the tulle…isn't this nice tulle?

Karasu: **sticks pin in dress** Is there any other kind?

Hiei: I've named the tulle. This one's name is Jon Stewart…that one's Tobin…Angel, Sally Bo Peep, and Virginia Woolf.

Adara: What about the red?

Hiei: This is my special tulle. Its name is Kurama…

Adara: …Right. Okay, he's gone insane.

Karasu: He's not even trying to escape anymore. Hand me that box of pins?

Adara: **hands him the pins** When did you decide to take up fashion design?

Karasu: Today.

Adara: Wow.

Karasu: That Angel guy is up next.

Adara: And the insanity spreads. Well, when you're done here, Li needs Hiei for Feegle duty.

Karasu: You're just gonna leave him here? **asks as Adara heads toward door**

Adara: Sure, why not? He could use more color in his wardrobe.

**Hiei gets his mind back at the click as Adara closes the door, and begins to yell Japanese curses at Karasu**

Adara: Ah, _that's_ more like it. **heads over to where Li is standing talking to Ava** Hiei's being fitted for a dress, but he'll be here in a minute.

Li: Okay. Ava, where are the Feegles?

Ava: Somewhere around here. Are you even gonna say anything about what Adara just told you?

Li: Nope. **delivery guy comes over and gives Li a clipboard to sign** Why should I? **hands signed clipboard back to delivery guy and he leaves**

Ava: She just told you the man isn't here because he's wearing a dress.

Li: So?

Adara: You don't find that a little odd? For Hiei?

Li: Is he with Karasu?

Adara: Yeah.

Li: Case closed. Hand me those papers?

**Hiei comes running out of Karasu's trailer with Karasu chasing after him, waving his etiquette book in the air**

Hiei: Leave me _alone_!

Karasu: Hiei, I'm just trying to—

Hiei: No! _Shut up!_

Li: **dangerous voice** Karasu…

Karasu: What?

Li: What did we discuss?

Karasu: I…don't remember?

Li: KARASU!

Karasu: Li, raising one's voice to one's employees is frowned upon in the rules of etiquette…

Li: **loses it and tackles Karasu, grabbing the etiquette book out of his hands** I'LL SHOW YOU ETIQUETTE, YOU USELESS CROW!

Karasu: GET OFF ME! THIS IS ABUSE! I COULD HAVE YOU ARRESTED!

Li: HA! THAT'S A LAUGH! YOU COULDN'T SET THE COPS ON ME IF YOU TRIED! NOW GIMME THAT BOOK!

Karasu: NO!

Li: YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU KNOW WHAT? _FINE_! **grabs etiquette book and attempts to open Karasu's mouth wide enough to shove the book in** OPEN WIDE! COME ON, KARASU! YOU LOVE ETIQUETTE, SO LEARN IT, LOVE IT, LIVE IT, _EAT IT_!

Karasu: **whines** Liiii…

Li: That's _Miss Celestia_ to you! No, _Mistress_ Celestia! No, better yet, just don't talk to me! Do not address me at all!

Ava: At last, sanity and reason are restored to the universe.

**Both Ava and Adara ignore Li and Karasu and turn away**

Adara: Okay, people, time to shoot!

**Ava and Adara prepare to shoot the next scene**

Kurama: Where's Li?

Ava: She's…er…incommunicado at the moment.

Hiei: **finishes ripping the dress Karasu had on him into shreds** Bastard…gonna kill…etiquette my ass…

Adara: You're so poetic, Hiei.

Hiei: Thank you.

Adara: You gonna pick that up? **points at pile of cloth scraps on the ground**

Hiei: No.

Adara: Well, okay then.

Ava: All right, people! Action! No…Li…Li, you have to let him go before you strangle him…Li! **runs over to rescue Karasu**

Adara: Uh…guys? Why don't you all…go take a break? We'll reconvene as soon as Li calms down…just give us five minutes.

Li: INSOLENT BRAT!

Adara: Ten. **turns away**

Karasu: CONTROL FREAK!

Adara: **turns back to cast and crew** Fifteen. Maybe half an hour.

Li: I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!

Adara: Oh, hell, just take the rest of the day off.

Li: BASTARD!

- - - - - - - - - -


	11. Life in Separate Worlds

DISCLAIMER: See ALL PREVIOUS CHAPTERS!

- - - - - - - - - -

Li: _Why _me? **cries**

Ava: **pats Li on the back** It's okay, Li…it's a very great loss, I know, but you _will_ get past this…

Li: _How_? He was…such a good friend to me…

Adara: **comes over to Li and Ava** What's going on? What happened?

Ava: Someone stole Rico.

Adara: Rico Suave?

Ava: Yep.

Li: I CANNOT GO ON LIVING! I DIE WITHOUT YOU, RICO! **begins to sing** I die…without you…

Voice Over Megaphone: WHO TOOK MY ELEGANCE BOOK!

Li: **freezes, then her eye begins to twitch** KARASU!

Ava: Uh-oh…

Adara: This could get ugly.

Ava: And Li ain't pretty when she gets ugly.

Adara: Nope.

Li: KARASU! **runs over and begins to chase Karasu around** Karasu, c'mere! GIVE ME BACK MY RICO!

Karasu: NOOOO! PLEASE! I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M _SORRY_!

Li: THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH!

Karasu: Li, I am willing to raise Rico in self-defense if I must.

Li: DON'T YOU DARE! I'LL SAVE YOU, RICO, MY LOVE, MY LIFE!

Karasu: **raises megaphone** I'll smash it, I swear I will!

Li: **raises long spear that she pulled randomly out of the air** AAAAAYIEEEEEEE! **jumps at Karasu**

Ava: **watching Li rip at Karasu's hair** So…when do we intervene?

Adara: I'll let ya know.

Ava: Okay. Come get me when the show gets dull.

Adara: Right on.

XXX

Karasu left for his voyage the following week. No one knew where he went on these ever-more-frequent voyages. Some said he was having an affair with a Guilderian, others said that he couldn't find the right wedding dress in Florin and had taken to the sea as he sailed to other places trying to find one, and still other theorized that he traveled to Guilder once a month because he'd finally found someone over there who could give him the perfect haircut.

Kurama didn't care _what_ the reason was. He just wanted Karasu _gone_.

The day that Karasu left, Kurama refused to leave his room. Karasu liked to think it was because the redhead was heartbroken over his fiancé's leaving again, but the fact was, Kurama just didn't care anymore.

Yomi came to find him after Karasu's send-off. He carried a cup of tea in one hand, as had become his custom.

Kurama was sitting at his desk in front of the window, staring out with a blank look on his face, an open book lying forgotten in front of him. He turned when the door opened, and smiled slightly—Kurama didn't _truly_ smile very often these days—and asked, "What is it with you bringing me tea _every_ time you come here?"

"Habit, I guess."

"Is he gone?" Kurama asked, casually.

"Yes. He's gone."

"Thank the gods, I thought he'd never leave."

Yomi laughed and handed Kurama the cup.

"So…when are _you_ leaving?"

"Day after tomorrow. I want Karasu far, far away before I leave."

"I want Karasu far, far away, _period_."

Yomi laughed again and was about to say something before the door slammed open.

"YOMI!"

The tall, six-eared man jumped at least two feet higher than was normal as the newcomer marched right up to him and grabbed one of his ears, dragging him toward the door as she screamed her obscenities.

"YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE LOOKING FOR A CREW! AND PACKING! AND YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE WATERING MY GARDEN! WE HAD A DEAL AND SO HELP ME GOD YOU WILL HOLD UP YOUR END OF IT! NOW, YOU'RE LEAVING IN TWO DAYS AND HERE YOU ARE _WASTING THEM_! GET TO _WORK_, YOU FILTHY INGRATE!"

Yomi looked absolutely terrified, and Kurama smiled, completely ignoring Yomi as he grabbed the edge of the desk in a desperate attempt to stop the Ancient Booer's relentless pulling. "Hello, Genkai."

"Oh, hello, Kurama," Genkai replied, yanking Yomi away from the desk. "SUCK IT UP, YOU OVERSIZED BABY! TAKE IT LIKE A MAN!"

"Kurama, help! Don't let her take me!"

"Why, Yomi, I have _no idea_ what you're talking about."

"Please don't leave me alone with her! This chick's insane!"

This earned Yomi a smack on the head. "RESPECT YOUR ELDERS, YOU INSOLENT BRAT!"

Yomi grabbed the edge of the doorframe in a last-ditch effort to remain in the room and away from the tiny scary lady. "YOU OWE ME, KURAMA!" he screamed in a panicked voice.

"Excuse me?" Kurama replied, amused.

"I'M GETTING HIEI BACK FOR YOU! YOU STILL HAVE A _LIFE_ BECAUSE OF ME!"

"Seriously, man…now it's just getting sad…" Kurama raised an eyebrow, and tried not to smile.

At last, Yomi was dragged, kicking and screaming, into the corridor. Genkai's yells at him could be heard all the way down the hall.

"Ah! Stop _kicking_ me, I'm _going_!"

"DON'T BE SMART WITH ME!"

"I could die tomorrow and they could very well trace it back to this moment!"

"MOVE!"

"KURAMA, IT'S NOT TOO LATE TO HELP ME, YOU KNOW!"

"LEAVE THE POOR BOY ALONE! HE HAS ENOUGH TO DEAL WITH WITHOUT YOU RELYING ON HIM TO HELP PRESERVE _YOUR_ LAZINESS!"

"KURAMA, HIEI'S RETURN DEPENDS ON ME ACTUALLY _LIVING_ PAST THIS MOMENT!"

Slowly, their voices faded.

Kurama chuckled and turned back to his book.

XXX

The sun was just beginning to rise over Cuba, but the day was already quite warm. The beach was empty except for two people lying under a palm tree. As the first ray of sun touched the ocean waters, the taller of the two rolled over and slid one arm around the smaller one's waist.

"Mmm…morning," Miguel said sleepily, snuggling closer to Benji's side.

"Morning," Benji replied, threading his fingers in Miguel's red hair.

"What time is it?"

"Early."

"Mm…hate early. Must kill early." Miguel yawned adorably as he turned over so he was face-to-face with Benji.

Benji chuckled and gave Miguel a quick kiss. "You're so cute."

Miguel blushed, yawning again. Then he sat up slowly and leaned back against the tree, placing one hand on Benji's hair and playing idly with the snowy white locks. Miguel had always wondered how Benji had gotten hair so white…

Benji remained where he was, his eyes closed. The gentle touch on his hair was starting to lull him back to sleep when…

"SNUGGLEBUNNY!"

The effect of that voice was identical to that of icy water being tossed on their heads. Benji jerked awake and shot into sitting position. Miguel moved closer to him, looking terrified. "He's back…"

"It's that special time of day," Benji replied sarcastically.

"We could run away."

"Too late."

And so it was. Only seconds later, a small, annoying ball of energy threw itself on top of Benji.

"Good mooorning," Berkley said in a singsong voice. "How's my Mr. Wonderful today?"

"Tired. Get off me." And with that, Benji shoved Berkley onto the sand, stood, and extended a hand to help Miguel to his feet, pulling the redhead into a kiss.

"Oh, Mr. Sexy, _why_ do you torture me so?" Berkley wailed, throwing himself in tears onto the sand.

Benji and Miguel completely ignored him as they walked hand-in-hand away from the beach.

XXX

"So, Kurama, my love, what do you want to do today?" Hiei asked his coconut, smoothing the banana peel on top of said coconut. "Do you want to swim?"

Silence.

"Oh, you want some food? Okay, I'll go get us some bananas." Smiling at the coconut, he stood and went to one of the trees, pulling himself deftly up the trunk and pulling for bananas down. He then peeled two of them and set them next to the coconut on the ground, then took a bite of his own. He finished his bananas and looked over at the coconut. "Kurama, you aren't eating," he said, looking concerned. "Are you sick?" He reached out and placed a hand on the coconut. "Well, you don't have a fever…but you should probably rest for today. I'll go get the checkerboard, and we can play so you don't get bored. Stay here, okay?"

Hiei had gone completely insane.

XXX

Night had fallen in Cuba, and the weather cooled. Miguel and Benji had spend a pleasant day pearl-diving in the warm, shallow waters near their home. Er…palm tree. They had then gone into the bar as the sun started to set, and Benji had gotten caught up in a card game with a group of men who'd seemed nice enough to begin with, but one of them had accused Benji of cheating, and things had gotten ugly.

So now Benji and Miguel were standing outside the bar, backed against its outside wall and surrounded by several very angry-looking men. Benji shot Miguel a grin, unsheathing the Spanish rapier he kept at his side at all times. Miguel took out his own sword—it was exactly like Benji's with an intricately carved silver handle—and smiled back.

_I hope Kurama's having a good time at that Godforsaken palace, _Benji thought to himself.

XXX

Back at the palace 

Kurama sat on his bed, trying to read. The castle was completely dead. Kurama was bored out of his mind. He wanted Hiei back…

XXX

Back in Cuba 

Benji loved fighting. It always gave him a thrill. Killing he didn't like, but he loved the fighting part that came before it. Miguel would always deny it, but he was the same way.

As Benji took a swing at one of the men, he thought, _I hope Hiei's having as much fun as I am, wherever the hell he is._

XXX

Back on Gilligan's Island 

Hiei sat across from the coconut with a checkerboard between then. Head in his hands, he stared intently at the board, then at the coconut. "It's your move…"

XXX

Back in Cuba 

"Here…come sit over here," Miguel said, leading Benji over to the bed against the wall. The fight was over, and they were in Miguel's house. It was small, but very comfortable, and Benji settled gratefully onto the bed.

"Keep holding the cloth on it," Miguel ordered, handing Benji a clean towel to press on the cut on his arm. He went over to grab some bandages from a large box by the stove, then came back over to Benji. "Let me see…" He gently took the towel from Benji's hands, examining the wound gently. "It doesn't look too bad," he said after a silent moment. "It's just bleeding a lot. I don't think it needs stitches. Hold still."

The room was silent as Miguel gently cleaned and bandaged Benji's arm.

"If you ever get us into something like this again I'm gonna kill you," Miguel said after a while. His head was bowed so that Benji couldn't see his face.

Benji chuckled. "You were having the time of your life a few minutes ago."

"Was not."

"Were too."

"Was _not_."

"Were _too_."

"I am _not_ getting into a 'was not, were too' argument with a man who just almost got himself killed by a guy who was so drop dead blind _drunk_ that he couldn't even remember his own name."

"Bite me." Benji wasn't really sure what made him say that. It just felt…right. Maybe he was channeling Hiei…

Miguel, however, suddenly looked up, smiling evilly. "Was that an open invitation?" He leaned over and kissed Benji, one hand still over the bandage on Benji's arm.

Benji lay back on the bed, bring Miguel with him. "Pervert."

"But at least I'm a pretty one."

Benji grinned and pulled Miguel in for another kiss. This one was long and lingering and it was quite a while before Miguel pulled away and laid his head on Benji's chest, throwing one arm around his lover's waist. Benji's good arm tightened around the redhead, and he buried his face in the red hair. They fell asleep like that, each of them smiling.

XXX

A couple of hours later, Benji lay awake in the bed, staring out the tiny window at the star-studded sky. The room actually seemed to be getting _smaller_, if that were at all possible…

Benji had always had a fear of enclosed spaces. As a child, he'd spent every day and most of the night outside on the beach. His cabin on the ship was the largest even when he wasn't captain, and even then he'd slept on the deck. Now, here, it felt like there was hardly any room to breathe.

Very carefully, Benji lifted Miguel's head off his chest, and placed it on the pillow. Then he stood up, wrapped the quilt gently around Miguel, and left silently.

Outside, Benji settled under a tree near Miguel's doorway and stretched out with his arms beneath his head. _Much better_, he thought, and fell back to sleep.

XXX

The next morning, Benji awoke slowly, his mind registering a weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and blinked sleepily, looking down to see Miguel lying next to him. All four of the redhead's limbs were wrapped rightly around his lover, his head resting on Benji's shoulder. Benji smiled and kissed Miguel's forehead. Miguel's brow furrowed, and in his sleep he snuggled closer to Benji's side.

They lay like that for quite a while before Miguel finally woke up. He tilted his head to look up at Benji, smiled, and laid his head back on Benji's shoulder.

"What are you doing out here?" Benji asked softly after several minutes of comfortable silence.

Miguel didn't speak for awhile, and when he did, he sounded almost…tearful. "I woke up and you weren't there."

"…Oh…I'm sorry. I just…needed to get outside."

"It's okay. I don't mind. Just…wake me up next time, okay? I thought you left again."

"Well, technically I did, but I only left the _house_, not the _island_. You actually think I'd leave?" He chuckled and kissed the top of Miguel's head. "You're crazy."

Miguel smiled. "I know." He turned his head so his chin rested on Benji's shoulder and looked into the chocolate brown eyes in front of him. "Love you."

Benji grinned and kissed the redhead gently. "I love hearing that."

The two lay there for a while, with Benji staring thoughtfully out at the ocean. After a while, Miguel said, "You really miss it, don't you?"

"Hmm? Oh…yeah." Benji smiled briefly at Miguel and then turned his eyes back to the ocean. "Yeah, I do."

More silence, and then Miguel shocked Benji out of his reverie when he say up, looked down at Benji, and smiled. "So let's go."

Benji pulled his eyes away from the ocean and looked at Miguel, grinning. "What?" he asked, as though it were the most ridiculous thing in the entire world.

"Let's go."

"Go _where_?"

"Out there." Miguel waved his hand, taking in the entire ocean with the gesture.

"Out to sea?"

"Yep. On your ship."

The smile left Benji's face. He sat up. "Are…you serious?"

"As a heart attack."

"You and me?"

"And the crew."

"The crew?"

"Well, yeah. Trying to sail a ship that size without a crew could be potentially problematic."

Benji didn't say anything. He just sat there, staring at Miguel.

Miguel looked down and smiled sheepishly. "Say something."

"Uh…Miguel. No."

"Huh?"

"No. My answer is no."

"What? Why?"

"It just is."

"Benji—"

"Miguel, _stop_."

"_Why?"_

"Because I'm asking you to."

"But why no? I mean—"

"Miguel, please."

"Fine."

There was a tense silence, and Miguel leaned back against the tree while Benji stared out at the shore. "It's great of you to offer," Benji said after quite a long while, and Miguel knew that was as close to an apology as he was going to get. "And I appreciate it."

"But?"

"But…I can't do that to you."

"Huh?"

"You have a _life_ here, Miguel. Friends. A home. I can't pull you away from all that. And I'm sure as hell not leaving without you."

"What are you _talking_ about? I have _nothing _here. I can leave at any moment and no one would miss me, and I definitely wouldn't miss them, and I'm not gonna watch you rot away on some stupid island where you don't want to be when we could both easily be somewhere else. You wanna go, I wanna go, and you and I both know I can be worse than any woman when I want something. You're not talking me out of this, Benny."

Benji couldn't really think of a reply, so he just said, "You're the only person in the entire world who can get away with calling me Benny."

Miguel laughed. "So does that mean you've changed your mind?"

Benji's reply was in the form of a long, soul-searching kiss. "I love you, Miguel."

"Love you, too. C'mon, let's go get some food. And find the guys."

As Miguel started to stand, Benji grabbed his hand and pulled him back down, pulling him into another kiss.

XXX

Florin Port 

"Yomi, please let me come with you."

Yomi sighed. "Kurama, I told you what this island does to people. By the time I get there, Hiei won't be the same person you knew. I don't want you to see him like that."

"Yomi—"

"You're staying. End of story. Consider it an order."

"You can't just—"

"When Karasu's gone, I _can_ 'just.'" Yomi saw the look on Kurama's face and knew that the redhead was going to cause him much physical and emotional agony starting in about ten seconds. "Kurama, I'm sorry. I know you're angry at me and I know how much you would love to hit me right now, but please don't. I'm doing this for Hiei _and_ for you."

"For Hiei?"

"Kurama, Hiei has been on that island for a long time. If it were a normal island, it wouldn't seem like a long time, but on this one, it is. I told you that when I get to him he won't be the same Hiei you knew, but I'm hoping that once I get him off the island he'll start to…get his mind back. But seeing you right away, having you asking him questions about if he's all right and having you right there so suddenly…it will be too much for him."

"But—"

"It's not your fault. I would do the exact same thing if I were in your position, but I'm not, and as such I have to be the clear thinker in this situation. You're staying."

Kurama opened his mouth to say something, but he suddenly closed it again. What Yomi was saying made sense. "I hate it when you're right," he said at last.

Yomi smiled. "Thank you."

"Go away before I change my mind and decide to kill you after all."

"Right. I'll see you when I—when _we—_get back."

"Come back without Hiei and I really will kill you."

"Duly noted."

XXX

Cuba 

"I love that we have a bird," Benji said as a large hawk landed on Miguel's arm.

Miguel smiled and held his arm out next to a large wooden barrel. The hawk jumped onto the barrel and Miguel untied a letter from its leg. "It's from Kurama," he said after a moment. He held the letter to Benji. "Hawk actually got there."

"The guy said he would."

"So what's it say?" Miguel asked after Benji had read in silence for a bit.

"Oh…he says that he'd glad to hear from us and that we're okay…he can't wait to meet you…and…we can call off the search for Hiei."

"Huh?"

"You remember that guy I told you about? Yomi?"

"Karasu's right-hand man? Yeah."

"Well, apparently he's changed _completely_. He's going to go get Hiei and bring him back to Florin. Kurama wants us to come to the palace right away."

"Can we get away with that?"

"Yeah, Karasu's gone for six months and the servants have all agreed not to tell him anything because they hate him."

"Well, that's always nice."

"I think so."

Miguel laughed. "So when do we leave?"

"Just let me answer this and then we're out of here."

"I'll get the guys and meet you at the docks in half an hour."

XXX

Gilligan's Island 

When Yomi finally got to the island, he had the captain of the ship drop anchor far off the coast, then went the rest of the way in a smaller boat.

It was quite a long while before he found Hiei. He was sitting in a little clearing in the middle of the island. Talking to a coconut.

_Oh, dear God._

"Hiei?"

Hiei jumped, tossing the coconut in the air. It rolled under a bush, and Hiei panicked. "Kurama? Where did you go?" He spotted Yomi standing at the edge of the clearing. "YOU! WHAT DID YOU DO WITH KURAMA?"

"Oh…uh…" Yomi hurried over and grabbed a coconut off the ground. "Um…here he is."

Hiei blinked as Yomi placed the coconut in his hands, then threw it at Yomi in disgust. It his the six-eared man's head and bounced off. "Are you insane? That's a coconut!"

"…Oh. Right. I'm sorry." So Yomi went over to the bushes and searched for the coconut. He found it, placed the banana peel back on it, and went over to hand it to Hiei, who immediately grabbed it and clutched it close. "Hiei…we have to leave here, all right?"

Hiei's eyes snapped to Yomi's face. He shook his head and began to back away slowly.

"Hiei, what…?"

"Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip…" Hiei began singing softly.

Yomi blinked. "Hiei…is there something wrong?"

Hiei looked up, and his grip on the coconut loosened slightly. "I'm insane, remember?" he asked, with a flash of his old humorless personality. "Where have _you_ been?"

"Oh. Right. Sorry."

"Quite all right. I forget sometimes, myself." Then Hiei began to sing again. "That started from this tropic port aboard this tiny ship…"

"Hiei?"

"The mate was a mighty sailor man, the skipper brave and sure…"

"Hiei, if you're _aware_ that you're insane, can't you…do something about it?"

Hiei looked up again, looking quite confused. "Who are you? And who said anything about me being insane? That's mean…"

"Right…well, Hiei, I'm sure you're getting sick of this island, so…"

"What island?"

"Uh…_this_ one."

"Oh. This one." Hiei looked around. "Yes, it's very nice."

"Yes…well…Hiei…look, I know you don't remember me—"

"Of course I do. You're Yomi."

"Er…yes. Yomi."

"Hmm? What about Yomi? Who's Yomi?"

"Um…_I_ am. I thought we established that already."

"Oh. _You're_ Yomi. Nice to meet you."

Yomi sighed, placed his head in his hands, and muttered, "That's it, I'm killing Karasu."

"Hmm?"

"Oh…nothing. Listen, Hiei…would you mind coming with me?"

"Oh…of course."

"Good."

A few minutes later, after restarting the whole conversation two or three times, Hiei and Yomi were climbing into the boat. Hiei gave no indication that he realized he was actually _in_ a boat, except to hum his song a little faster and a little louder, as though that would keep him sane. Or _in_sane, depending on your point of view.

On the ship, Yomi put Hiei in a bed in one of the cabins, Hiei still clutching the coconut. Hiei had fallen asleep about thirty seconds after they left the shore, and was completely unresponsive. Yomi supposed this was all part of the process and, hopefully, Hiei would be at least partly sane when he awoke.

Sighing, Yomi yelled the order to head home.


	12. Yomi's In Troooooouble

Chapter 11

Kurama was in a _very_ good mood. He was grinning. And _humming_. He'd gotten a letter from Yomi that morning, and while it didn't say anything specific, it _did_ say that he and Hiei would be home in a matter of weeks, a month at most. That news had put Kurama in a state of pure joy that made everything feel right with the world.

At the moment Kurama was in the palace kitchens with the cook, experimenting with the dinner menu. With Karasu and Yomi gone and their staff with them, the servants were all that was left, and Kurama was doing his best to ensure that they enjoyed their time to themselves, starting with the food.

"What was it that we put on the chicken yesterday?" Kurama asked the cook (no one knew her real name) as he tore lettuce and tossed it in a giant bowl to make salad. "Tanya really liked it and I told her I'd make more today, but I can't for the life of me remember what I put in the dressing."

"You made it, you should know." Cook said, smiling as she chopped onions and tossed them into a bowl next to her.

"I should, but I don't."

"Well _I _can't help you. If I recall, you wouldn't let me watch you."

"I didn't-"

"Yes you did."

"Was I mean?"

Cook laughed. "C'mon _think_! It was lemony and tangy and it was made with…?"

"…Lemony tangy stuff?"

"Now, now, don't mock."

Just then, the kitchen door swung open. "Hey, Kurama, you've got visitors."

Kurama looked over at the door and smiled. "Oh, hello, Maria. Who is it?"

"I don't know, I've never seen them before."

"Oh…. all right. Where are they?"

"Your room."

"All right, thank you. Finish this salad for me?"

"Sure."

"Thanks." Kurama said, tugging playfully on one of the girl's braids as he headed out of the kitchen.

He hadn't even managed to get the door open all the way before he was bull-rushed and pulled into a hug so tight it felt as though he would never breathe properly again.

"B…_Benji_?"

Nod.

"Oh my…. _Benji_!"

The next few minutes were filled with nothing but incoherent babbling between Benji and Kurama as Miguel and the crew listened with smiles on their faces.

When Benji finally calmed down enough to remember where he was, he smacked himself on the forehead. "Oh, I'm stupid! There's someone I want you to meet. Miguel? Mig-oh, Miguel," he said in Spanish, "stop being so shy and get over here."

Miguel peeked around Erik's shoulder, his face red. Slowly, he moved forward so he was standing in front of Kurama. "Hello." He said in halting English. (That and "No, thank you, I don't _want_ the alcohol" were the only English phrases he knew, and he'd learned the second out of self defense.)

"This is Miguel," Benji explained. "I told you about him in my letter, remember? He doesn't speak English, so-"

"Ah, _si_." Kurama said. "Pleased to meet you." he said to Miguel in Spanish.

"Same to you." Miguel replied.

"You and I need to talk later."

"We do?"

"Yes. Word on the street is you know _everything_ about Benji and I need ammo for the verbal assault I have planned for later."

Miguel laughed. "We'll talk."

Benji looked panicked. "You will do no such thing! _Miguel_!"

XXX

The dining hall roared with laughter as Miguel told his third Benji anecdote of the night. Outside, the sun was just beginning to set, but inside, the castle was ablaze with light. The dining room was completely empty, except for the group that sat in the exact center of the table in the middle of the room.

"So then," Miguel said, as a burst of laughter died slowly around the table, "he marches right up to the woman and says, 'You be mean my Miguel again and you're gonna die, lady. Not that you aren't almost there already you ugly old bat!' Then he kicks her in the shin, grabs my hand and runs away. This was a little old lady, mind you, but she insulted me so, y'know she had to _go_."

The others roared with laughter, and Kurama commented, "You were quite a sassy ten-year-old, Benji."

"Yeah, yeah, I was a trail-blazer," Benji replied, taking a swig of his beer. "Can we move the conversation away from me now?"

"Gladly," Kurama said, chuckling quietly.

"What's that supposed to mean!"

The chuckle grew to an outright laugh, and the rest of the room exploded with mirth as Benji calmly dumped the remainder of his beer over Kurama's head.

XXX

"Every single one of those guys was slobbering drunk," Miguel stated, giggling as Benji dropped him unceremoniously onto the bed.

"But seeing Kurama and Sebastian get into a fist fight was worth the hangovers we're gonna have in the morning."

"What exactly _caused_ that anyway?"

"Well, as far as I can tell, Sebastian said 'Chemel flebbal fluh' and Kurama took great offense."

"Well you were _very_ kind to break them up like that."

"God, I'm gonna be so sore tomorrow," Benji groaned, stretching out on the bed. "Why did you let me drink so much?"

"You always blame me," Miguel whined.

An evil grin spread across Benji's face and Benji rolled on top of his lover. "Damn straight, and payback's gonna be a bitch."

"You curse a lot when you're drunk," Miguel observed idly, pulling Benji down into a kiss. The redhead allowed the kiss to go uninterrupted for quite some time, but just when Benji was about to attempt to push it further—and Miguel could always tell—he found himself slamming face-first into the pillows as his lover shoved him off and went to extinguish the candles.

"You're heartless," Benji pouted from the bed.

"And you're trashed," Miguel replied, climbing back under the covers and wrapping his arms around his lover. "Wake me when you're sober."

XXX

Kurama sighed as he dropped onto his bed. It had been quite a long time since he'd had any alcohol, and the stuff had hit his system like a ton of bricks. He'd spent the last half hour being violently ill outside in the bushes.

The redhead didn't like the way he'd been feeling since Hiei had left. He was fine when he was with other people, always forcing a smile to please them, but once he was alone he just wanted to cry and scream and throw everything within reach. But he never did any of that. He couldn't remember how to get angry anymore, not really.

XXX

Shura: **interrupts Yomi's reading **Kurama's pathetic.

Yomi: No he isn't.

Shura: Yeah he is! He should just march right up to that Karasu freak and punch him right in the face!

Yomi: He can't do that, Shura. If he refuses to stay at the palace, Karasu might hurt Hiei.

Shura: So?

Yomi: So he _loves_ Hiei!

Shura: Love is sickening.

Yomi: I agree.

Shura: Get off my side immediately. I don't need any decrepit old guys taking sides with me!

Yomi: _Old_?

Shura: _Ancient_.

Yomi: You little brat! **jumps on Shura and begins to hit him with pillows** Take that! And _that_!

Shura: Get off me, you crazy old bastard!

Yomi: Make me, you sniveling, spoiled little ape!

Shura: Bite me, moron!

Yomi: Oh, you _so_ got that from the book!

Shura: So what!

Yukina: **from downstairs** What's going on up there?

**Shura and Yomi immediately fall silent and return to their separate seats**

Shura: Nothing, Mom!

Yomi: Yeah, we were just talking! Your son is a monster!

Shura: Your father is a jerk!

Yukina: **still calling from downstairs** Well as long as you're getting along!

Yomi: We most certainly are _not_—

Shura: **cuts Yomi off** We're fine, Mom! **whispers to Yomi** Keep reading before she comes up and busts us.

Yomi: Good idea.

XXX

The days passed slowly for all of them, each one fading into the other until they all bled together in everyone's minds, each one the same as the one before and the one after. Miguel fell immediately and wholeheartedly in love with the palace, and he and Benji spent most of their time in the gardens and the courtyards. The rest of the crew left to stay in a local tavern, and Kurama almost managed to be happy with Benji around.

But life always had been and always would be incomplete without Hiei.

XXX

Hiei was having trouble. Trouble adjusting to life off the island, trouble not squeezing Yomi by the neck until his eyes popped out of his head and his brains oozed out of his ears, and trouble letting go of the coconut that he knew logically was not Kurama but was nevertheless still his main comfort.

It had been two weeks since Yomi had come to get Hiei off the island, and Hiei hadn't said more than ten words since then. They had passed through a small town a week and a half before and Hiei had had a nervous breakdown after being exposed to the crowds whose existence he had completely forgotten, so now he and Yomi were staying in a small abandoned shack in the woods while he got used to life away from the island again.

Hiei clearly had not been taking care of himself while he was stranded, and he was--if possible--thinner than he'd been before. He hadn't had anything to eat or drunk since Yomi had come to get him, and it had gotten to the point where he couldn't even drag himself out of his bed anymore. He wasn't even trying to stay alive anymore. He couldn't explain it, but… there was a part of him that wanted to die. And that part was slowly creeping into the rest of his life, taking over his mind until it seemed like there was no alternative.

When Yomi returned to the shack after a long walk in the surrounding forest, he saw that Hiei was lying on the bed facing the wall with his back to the door, apparently asleep as he clutched his coconut to his chest. Smiling slightly, Yomi quickly made some soup and, after finishing his own bowl, carried the other over to Hiei. "Hiei?" he inquired softly, sitting down next to the bed. "Do you want anything to eat?"

No answer.

"Hiei?" Yomi asked a bit louder. "Hiei!"

Silence.

Frowning, Yomi reached out and shook Hiei's shoulder. Then he realized something.

Hiei wasn't breathing.

XXX

A/N: So? Sudden? Shocking? Do you hate and despise us? I hope so, because if you have that strong a reaction to the story it means you're liking it. Yeah, I'm cruel. So sue me.


	13. Chaotic Happenings

DISCLAIMER: We _still_ don't own anything. But we're waiting for the loan to buy them!

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"Kurama's gonna kill me…" Yomi muttered, pushing back his hair as he nervously paced the cabin. He glanced over to Hiei, who had yet to burst back to life like in some sickening fairytale. "Yep. I'm dead. And buried. Dig a hole and drop me in. Goodbye, cruel world!"

The poor guy had been going on in this manner for the past half hour. He hadn't yet managed to convince himself to move Hiei's body.

"Okay, what are the options here? Cremation or burial?"

No reply.

"Cremation, I agree…Scatter the ashes over your ship, that would be appropriate…Of course, I'll gave to get my affairs in order before Kurama kills me…" He paused and looked down at Hiei's still form. "Do you want roses or lilies?"

Silence.

"Wait. What am I saying? I can't bring Kurama a dead Hiei! Let's see…how do I fix this…?" Again, he paused and looked down at Hiei. "Oh, I know, I know! I know how this is supposed to go!" He grimaced and looked at the sky. "Why are you smiting me?" Then, looking back down, he sighed. "You and Kurama had better appreciate this, you little brat." And with that, he screwed his eyes tightly closed and leaned down to kiss Hiei gently, then pulled away quickly.

Nothing happened for a moment, and then a quiet voice, scarcely more than a breath, whispered. "Not…you…"

Yomi blinked in surprise, and placed his ear against the small chest. No heartbeat, and Hiei wasn't breathing. Odd…So he tried again, much as he hated to do so. Again, the voice issued from Hiei's mouth, somehow even quieter than before, this time saying, "Only…Kurama." And again, no heartbeat accompanied the words. Yomi quickly grabbed Hiei's shoulders and shook him, crying, "Oh, _fine_! But you couldn't tell me about the _flowers_!" The only response he got? A loud, annoying, degrading raspberry. Yomi dropped his head against Hiei and moaned, "My life is a piece of crap."

"You're tellin' us," a voice said from the doorway.

Yomi jumped and listened hard for a clue to the source of the mocking. "Who are you? And more importantly, _how_ did you find me?"

The man—who was, incidentally, Chu—said, "Well, we could smell his decomposition all the way from Florin. Oh, and—uh—oh, yeah…" Chu suddenly straightened and stood to full height. "You killed my father. Prepare to die."

Yomi winced. "No, no, no, that was not _at all_ threatening. It sounded…._scripted,_" he said with disgust.

"Well, actually, the gossip in down is that Kurama's back in Florin palace." Yomi couldn't see that it was Kuwabara, but in his opinion, the voice sounded stupid. "And we wanted to go and rescue him, but not without the Mask. But…" Kuwabara stumped over and picked up Hiei's arm, then dropped it again, watching sadly as it fell limply back to the ground. "…The mask is dead…"

"But luckily," Chu said, "we found _you_. So now I get to _kill_ you! Mwahahahaha!"

"Okay, first of all—_terrible_ maniacal laugh. Seriously, man, get a drama teacher. Secondly, you'll have to get in line. Kurama's got dibs. 'Cause, you see, _this—_" He indicated Hiei.

"Your fault?" Chu guessed.

"Mm-hmm. I sorta killed his man. I was trying to bring him back to Kurama to save him from marrying Karasu so they could live happily ever after, but then he sorta…died. Screwed up the plan in _the worst way_."

Chu threw up his hands in frustration. "Aw, man, does that mean you've turned over a new leaf? You choose _now_, just when I've _found_ you? I can't possibly kill you now!"

"Hey, did you try a potion?" Kuwabara asked suddenly, still crouched next to Hiei.

"Yes."

"Spells?"

"Yep."

"Necromancy?"

"_Gross_! And Kurama would _hate_ it!"

"The kiss of life?"

"Twice," Yomi said tonelessly.

"Well, we could always take him to Miracle Yusuke's!"

"…Who's miracle Yusuke?"

XXX

"Keiko?"

No answer.

"Keiko!"

No answer.

"KEIKO!"

"YA DON'T HAVE TO SHOUT, YA OLD DUMBFART! I'M NOT DEAF!"

Miracle Yuusuke raised his eyes to the heavens as he replied. "Where's my eye of newt?"

A long moment of silence, and then, "…I ate it."

"WHAT, WOMAN, YOU GOT TIRED OF YOUR OWN COOKING SO YOU DECIDED TO EAT MY NEWTS!" Yuusuke thundered.

"Well, they're good with scrambled eggs!"

"…I will never feel comfortable eating anything you give me again."

XXX

Shura: Why don't they just give him a phoenix down!

Yomi: **blinks**

Shura: Save trouble, I mean.

Yomi: Why do you continue to speak?

Shura: I'm the sick one here! Remember? _My needs_?

Yomi: **makes talking puppet with hand** Blah, blah, blah, your needs…

Shura: **imitates** Blah, blah, blah, I'm old.

Yomi: **grabs the Shura puppet and eats it**

Shura: That's a dirty sock…

Yomi: **gets sick and runs to the bathroom**

Shura: Cool. **picks up where Yomi left off in the book**

XXX

Miracle Yuusuke's 

"Dag nabbit, woman, I need a beer!"

"Get your own beer, ya smelly old prune!"

"Well, you're not doing anything!"

"I'm doing dishes! It's not like your job is so difficult! All you have to do is eat and sleep!"

"But it _is_ difficult! Sometimes I sleep too long and miss a meal, or sometimes I eat too much and can't sleep! And _sometimes_, my butt itches really, really bad!"

Keiko lost her temper. "WELL, YA KNOW WHAT? FROM NOW ON, YOU DON'T SO MUCH AS EAT, SLEEP, OR SCRATCH YOUR BUM WITHOUT MY SAY-SO!"

"AHH-AH-AH-AH-AH!"

_CRASH, BANG, THUD_.

"OW!"

"Geez, Kuwabara, have you _always_ weighed this much?"

"Um…yes? But that's not very polite, Chu…"

"You're right. I apologize, that was rude."

"That's all right."

"Are you sure?"

"GET OFF ME, YOU LOSERS!"

"Sorry, Yomi."

"Yeah, sorry."

Yomi let out a frustrated groan as, with difficulty, the group separated themselves. Kuwabara rolled to his feet and leaned over to poke the limp and ragged Hiei. "I think we squashed him…"

Chu looked up and saw Keiko then, and poked the other two. "Look…"

Yomi and Kuwabara looked at Keiko, and scrambled to their feet. At the same time, all three flung out their arms and said impressively, "WE NEED A MIRACLE!"

Keiko looked at each of them, then called flatly, "Yuusuke, it's for you." Then she stumped over to the kitchen shelves took down a jar labeled Eye of Newt, tucked it under her arm, and turned back to the group. "_Tell no one_," she growled, then left the room without another look.

A moment later, a man who could only be Yuusuke came into the room with a beer mug in one hand, scratching his large beer gut with the other. "Who're you people?" he asked loudly.

Yomi blinked. "This…is him?"

"Who?" the old man asked even louder.

"He's…_old_."

"I ain't as old as I look, sonny!"

"Really?" Chu asked. "'Cause you look pretty freaking old."

"Chu!" Kuwabara gasped, appalled.

"What? I'm sayin'!"

"Guys, we have to _respect him_," Kuwabara said. "He's the king's miracle worker!"

"Well, I _was_," Yusuke cut in. "Until the prince's grandfather put me on that Godforsaken spit of land…" He trailed off, muttering to himself.

"Wait, what?" Yomi demanded.

Yuusuke pondered for a moment. "Who we talkin' about?"

"No! No! The island! You were there!"

"Well, yeah, I was there. Let's see, it would be about 60 years ago…" Yuusuke began, sitting in a rocking chair as the party of four minus the dead guy all sat on a rug by Yuusuke's feet.

Kuwabara pulled out some popcorn. "Go on."

"So the king…he banishes me to this island, see. No apparent reason. Just happened."

"That's wonderful. Now what _really_ happened?" Yomi asked shrewdly.

"Well, okay, so in the twelve seconds we talked beforehand I may have called him _one_ name. Or…nine." Yuusuke shrugged. "Well, anyway, we're there for God knows how long, just wandering.

"And there's _seven _of us…" He looked suddenly at the three, as if expecting them to say something. "Don't you know what that means? Eh, never mind. What they're teaching you today, I'll never know…well anyways there's seven of us. And then one day, the four of us left after the millionaires and the skipper drop dead…we decide to escape."

"I TOLD YOU TO FIX THE BOAT!"

"SHUT UP, WOMAN, I'M TELLING THE STORY!"

"Go die."

"Well, anyways, so we set out swimming. Of _course_, the movie star's the first to go. She insisted on taking _all_ her clothes and got dragged down. Me, Gilligan, and Keiko go on, and we finally make it to land. Keiko and I decide to get married. O' course, it was only after the wedding that I realized what a _monster_ she was!"

Keiko's voice shouted, "Biggest mistake of _my_ life!"

Kuwabara leaned over to Chu. "They're in love."

"Clearly."

"So what happened to Gilligan?" Yomi asked.

"He's the Village Idiot now," Yuusuke said casually.

"But why?"

"Well, the island drove him crazy. Kept thinking he saw little blue men, yelling in Scottish."

"What? But that's crazy!" Yomi protested. "Oh, you have a little blue man on your shoulder."

Yuusuke grunted and brushed the thing off, and it ran off with a shout of, "CREVINS!"

"Well, anyways, you've been on the island," Chu said.

"Yeah, that was the point of this narrative."

"So you must know how to cure this," Yomi snapped impatiently.

"I might, yeah."

"So _tell us_, you old dingbat!"

"Well, there's only one way—" Yuusuke said, looking satisfied with their show of interest.

Eagerly, Yomi, Kuwabara, and Chu leaned forward to listen.

XXX

So! Meanwhile, Kurama's sitting over here, staring at Karasu, who has just breezed in, tossed Benji and Miguel into the dungeons for annoying him, announced that he'll be marrying Kurama the next day, and broken into a rousing chorus of "It's Raining Men."

But let's begin at the beginning.

Koenma, Benji, and Miguel had been playing poker in the dining hall after everyone cleared out from supper. Miguel was surrounded by several small mountains of gold and jewels, and Benji and Kurama were digging in their pockets.

"I can't lose another round," Benji muttered frantically.

"You? I've given him everything I have, and I'm engaged to a freaking _prince_! That sorta makes me rich by association, and I've got nothing left to give!"

Miguel smiled and laid down his cards. "Pretty," he said happily, in English.

Benji groaned.

"Very well, Miguel, the palace is yours," Kurama said glumly.

Miguel's smile grew. Carefully, he separated all of his winnings into three separate, equal piles, then gave one each to Kurama and Benji, keeping one for himself. He then stacked the cards neatly and passed them to Benji with an expectant look.

Benji raised his eyebrow. "The concept of gambling is completely lost on you," he told his lover.

To that, Miguel simply nodded. "Want more lemonade," he said in adorable, thickly accented, broken English.

Kurama groaned and dropped his head onto the table. "I can't play this game anymore," he moaned in Spanish.

"We've done everything there is to do, played every card game known to man," Miguel replied, in the same language.

"Well, not _every_ one," Benji cut in, a mischievous look in his eyes and a small grin on his face. "Do you guys remember that old game…fifty-two pick-up?"

Kurama blinked. "…Why?"

The grin grew, and Benji bent the cards slightly between his fingers. "Wanna play?"

Kurama groaned. "Oh, brother."

It was then that they were interrupted by Karasu's arrival. He came sweeping in like a cross between an evil queen and a demented vampire from an Anne Rice novel. "Ah, there you are, my sweet," he said upon seeing Kurama. Receiving no reply, he continued, "I don't suppose you've read any of my letters."

"No," Kurama replied flatly, refusing to show his surprise at Karasu's early arrival.

"Ah, that's really too bad. If you had, you would have known that I was coming home early and that our wedding is set for tomorrow."

Kurama, of course, jumped immediately to his feet, Benji and Miguel only a fraction of a second behind him. "_What!"_

"Yes," Karasu replied, smiling coldly. "Now, would you be so kind as to tell me what these two are doing here, Kurama?"

"…Visiting."

"Ah, how delightful." Karasu surveyed Benji and Miguel, standing on either side of their friend, and his icy smile faded to a frown. "Get out."

Benji and Miguel glanced at each other, and knew immediately that they were both thinking the same thing.

"Kiss my pirate boots, you arrogant bastard," Benji said, drawing his sword.

"You must stay away from our Kurama," Miguel added in English as he brought out his own blade.

Another malicious grin touched Karasu's face, and with a snap of his fingers, he summoned the guards—new, and very threatening, guards. (Hmm, where did he manage to get those…?) "Remove those two," he ordered. "Leave Kurama with me."

Benji's mouth thinned, and he took a tighter grip on his sword. "This should be interesting."

In the moments that followed, the temporary captain of the _Revenge_ and his not-so-temporary lover engaged Karasu's guards in a game of striking and dodging. There was no bloodshed yet, but Kurama had a feeling there would be soon and he'd be damned if he was going to miss out again. So, having no real weapons to speak of, the redhead jumped in with a whirl of kicks, punches, and dodges, assisting his friends when necessary and generally enjoying the look on Karasu's face.

Karasu, for his part, watched the fight with an air of desperation growing ever more pronounced around him. However, his apprehension turned to satisfaction when Benji found himself quite literally backed into a corner by four of the larger opponents, Kurama was soon caught in the same situation.

Miguel, on the other hand, was both willing and able to go on fighting. Obviously fearing for the lives of his allies, the little redhead grabbed Benji's sword, the forced removal of which resulted in the current state of affairs, and yelled his lover's name fearfully.

"I'll be fine, love! Keep on going!" Benji replied, before one of the guards cuffed the side of his head in annoyance, dazing him.

That was when Miguel spotted Karasu, standing off to the side with that sickening, self-satisfied grin on his face. And at that moment, something snapped.

Now, men with large fists and strong muscles can be very frightening when angered. They will break and bones and shatter the minds of their enemies with one well-placed blow. But those people are _nothing_ compared to a tiny Spaniard whose lover's life is at stake. Beware the short people, for they are the ones who should truly be feared. When threatened, they will aim low and strike hard, and when they themselves as well as their lovers are in danger…well, you can imagine.

But Karasu couldn't.

All he knew was that one minute, he was pain-free and sure of victory, and the next, he was seeing white stars, pink elephants, magic dragons, and every other known pain-induced hallucination.

In short…

Miguel was a very, very, _very_ angry little Spaniard.

"You…let…Benji…go…NOW!" he ordered, each word punctuated with a shard blow to a different and sensitive part of Karasu's body. "Bad man!" With that, Miguel brought his knee up between Karasu's legs. "Bad, bad man!"

All activity stopped. Karasu blinked. He whimpered. His eyes watered.

And Benji burst into a roaring fit of laughter.

Looking back, the captain figured it must have been the laughter that made Karasu so angry, though it could also have been the fact that he had just been rendered nearly unconscious and in extreme agony by an eighty-pound redhead with a Napoleon complex. Either way, the guy was _not_ in a good mood, and when Kurama was finally brought over to Karasu and Miguel and Benji were put in chains by the guards, they figured they might have expected as much.

Benji, having expected his luck to run out sooner or later, was not overly concerned at the sudden turn of events. Miguel, however, had never even considered prison to be an option in his life. His fear quickly turned to panic when he found himself being dragged away from Benji. Eyes wide, he looked to his lover—his anchor, his strength—for reassurance.

Benji's heart wrenched at the sight. "It's okay, Miguel," he called in Spanish, trying to keep his voice steady and failing miserably. "Just go quietly. Don't make a fuss. I love you."

"Love you, too," Miguel replied, in halting English.

And through all this, Kurama could do nothing from behind his invisible, gilded cage of obedience and a need to stop the confrontations before anyone else he loved got hurt.

It was a hard place to be.

- - - - - - - - - -

AN: Okay, it's official. We suck. Again. We're so _mean! _Over a month for update and such a short chapter…we _never_ seem to update anymore, do we? No wonder we're not getting any reviews…**sad** Well, anyways, for those who are bearing with us—thanks a thousand thousand times!


	14. Feet

DISCLAIMER: Yep, you guessed it: it's not ours. Does this ever get old for any of you?

- - - - - - - - - - -

An hour later, Karasu came into Kurama's room. "Alas, Kurama, my love, I've finally decided on our wedding song—" Before finishing, he broke into tears. "I'm getting married. I'm so happy."

"Never thought this day would come?"

Karasu's face clouded over with thought, but then it cleared again. "So, our song will be 'It's Raining Men.' Whaddya think?"

"…Die…"

"Oh, you don't know it? Well, it goes something like this…"

**dun dun dun**

XXX

Meanwhile, in the dungeons of Florin, two lovers—the only prisoners besides the forgotten remains of previous residents—were confined to separate cells and shackled to the walls of said cells. It was bad enough that now joining in a comforting embrace was just beyond their reach, but that was the least of their worries, in fact.

The lack of closeness wasn't what Benji feared the most. It was the fact that his confinement to the tiny cell had finally began to drill its way into his consciousness. Already the room began to grow smaller and his lover began to move farther away. And once Benji went into his phobia freak-out mode it would ensure the same fate for the little Spaniard boy.

Instead Benji had to keep focusing pm meaningless things and Miguel's voice to keep his mind tied to this world.

"Look, Benji, I can almost touch my toes!" Miguel sang.

Benji smiled. "Attaboy." Making the best of things was one of Miguel's specialties and right now it was just what the doctor ordered.

Wonder what Erik's doing, anyway? "Benji!" "Huh?" "I think it moved!" Miguel shrieked, pointing to his skeletal cellmate, who, as far as they knew, was called Spock. Above his head hung a plaque exclaiming, "Pirates, ye be warned!" 

"If you don't look at it, it won't move. It only moved because you looked at it."

"Oh, my God! Ew ew ewww!"

"Now what?"

"I can't stop looking at it!"

"Why not?"

"It's smiling at me…_mocking_ me!"

"Don't encourage it!"

"It smells funny down here, like millions of feet. Gross feet, Benji!"

"It's okay. Just pretend you're somewhere else."

"I need a bath."

"Miguel!"

"What? I do."

"Just close your eyes and humor me."

"Fine, my attention is all yours." The little redhead shut his eyes obediently and finally began to relax.

"Now, we're in Cuba. We have the fun drinks with the little umbrellas. And we're sitting under a palm tree…"

"Really? 'Cuz in my Cuba everything's upside down and purple and you're wearing a funny hat and…oh, my God, it's Spock! And he's got sunglasses and…an ice cream cone!"

"Miguel!"

XXX

"So…we have to…what, now?"

Yusuke sighed in exasperation. "That's the problem with you youngsters these days. You don't _listen._ What the man needs is the kiss of life."

Kuwabara paled. "The…what, now?"

"I am _not_ kissing…that," Chu added.

"Nah, it doesn't work, anyway."

Yusuke blinked. "Eh?"

"Yeah. I tried it."

"…_You_? _You_ kissed him?"

"…Yeah, I kissed him…"

Yusuke made a face. "Ack."

Yomi blinked. "…Twice."

"Gah."

"Without a breath mint."

"Please."

"And it didn't work. So take your little 'kiss of life' and _shove it_."

Yusuke heaved a great sigh. "Have you never heard of True Love's Kiss?"

"…No."

Another sigh, and with the air of someone explaining that two plus two equals four to a very dumb toddler, said, "Take the lump man to the castle, get him in, and have Kurama kiss him and bring him back." He glanced over at the body on the chair, and grimaced. "That is, if you didn't kill him completely dead."

"I DO _NOT_ HAVE BAD BREATH!"

XXX

Li: Cut! Okay! That was…really stinking bad, but we're going with it anyways because I'm bored. And WHERE is the Cheese Man with my espresso!

Cheese Man: **magically appears** I set up a table for the cheese slices…**displays a lovely row of cheese**

Li: **clenches fists** GAH! Just SOMEONE get me an espresso!

Someone: **hands her coffee**

Li: Thank you…**takes coffee and stares at it intently **This…**pours it over someone's head **It has FOAM in it! Espressos…don't have foam. **throws cup at someone's head** Go and get another one! Triple caps! And _this time_ no foam! **Dangerously** Or so help me God…

Someone: **runs off with cup, crying**

Li: **stomps off** And where is my Rico?

Ava: **stands behind Li with tranquilizer gun made for elephants** Aww, you made him cry…

Adara: You people have issues and I'm leaving. In that order.

Someone: **comes back with coffee and a muffin, bowing to Li as he offers it to her**

Li: **takes coffee** Thanks…**takes sip**

Someone: They actually put twice the amount of caffeine they put in a triple. So I don't know how it will taste…

Ava: Finally! Someone who understands our pain.

Li: **nods** This is…good. Why are you bowing?

Someone: Because…you frighten me, oh Princess of Chaos and Discord, Supreme Ruler of All That Is Dark and Caffeinated, Queen of the Underworld.

Li: **shrugs** 'Kay. I'll take it! **walks away, drinking her coffee** SWEET MAMMA JAMMA!

Ava: **ignores** Why don't you just call her Li-chan, like the rest of us?

Someone: Because that is her first name. I don't want to be disrespectful…

Adara: Well, it's not invoking the Dark Prince, so I think it's preferable…

Li: WHO'S YOUR DADDY!

Hiei: I don't have a daddy…**cries **

Li: Hiei, lay back down. You're dead.

Hiei: Yeah, that's another thing. How long are you going to keep me dead? Kuwabara's dropped me three times already!

Li: **blinks** Do I know you…? **waves hand** Shoo!

Ava: Li?

Li: Yeah?

Ava: Ya know how you told me and Adara to get rid of some of the staff because we couldn't afford them on the payroll…ya know, just like three or four?

Li: Yeah.

Ava: Adara, you tell her.

Li: Tell me what, exactly?

Adara: **glares at Ava** Chicken. Well, see, Li, it's like this…we kinda sorta…locked half the crew in a room with Karasu…

Li: **patient** And what was the verdict?

Adara: **very fast** Twelve-people-and-Suzuka-quit.

Ava: And we have to start rehiring in the morning.

Adara: I think I can handle finishing my sentences on my own.

Ava: You bore me.

Adara: Go die, Ava.

Li: **giggles** You guys…

Ava: We should enjoy this moment while her brain is numbed by the caffeine.

Adara: Because she'll most likely remember in the morning…

Ava: True dat.

Karasu: Oh, Li! **Brightly**

Li: **still dazed **Wha…?

Adara: Oh, no!

Ava: He's gonna ruin everything!

Both: Karassssuuuu! **slow motion** Nooooooo!

Karasu: **blinks** What the…?

Benji: **walks by and hits Sebastian on the head**

Sebastian: Ow…

Karasu: Okay, so…I have this movie script I've been working on. And I want you to take a look. Make it into a Blockbuster classic.

Li: Lemme see. **takes script** All Shook Up, A Karasu Production

Ava: What? Does it have something to do with Elvis?

Karasu: Nope. It's an amazing love story. A tale of romance and deceit. All about a passionate love affair between a man and a BLENDER!

Adara: **snatches script** With this ring…I thee…blend…?

Ava: Are you serious?

Li: I wonder if we could get Elvis to play the blender…**slurs **

Adara: Oh, no ya don't. Don't let him suck you into his freak fantasy.

Li: Okay, Karasu, go die. Everyone else…TO THE SET, YE BILGE RATS!

XXX

"They'd better at least have decent food down here," Benji grumbled, after the guard left them with small bowls of what they guessed was supposed to be called soup.

"And it tastes like feet!" Miguel said, tossing his spoon away in disgust.

"That's it, I'm killing myself."

"Yeah, you go first so you can break my fall."

"Whatcha doin'?" a bright voice asked from the cell doors, and Benji and Miguel looked up to see Kurama standing in the doorway with two trays in his hands. "They put you in separate cells? Why?"

Miguel cocked his head. "He has much food."

"We shall build a cult around him."

"And statue, many stories high."

"We shall grow our hair long and stop bathing."

Kurama laughed. "Please, don't do any of that. Hey, you, open the doors."

"Wow, you're cranky," Benji observed in Spanish, so that Miguel might take part in the conversation unhindered. Miguel, meanwhile, attacked his food as the guard left after opening the doors long enough for Kurama to give his friends the food.

"Just…a bad day," Kurama replied. "Miguel, why are you cowering in the corner?"

Miguel, between bites off food, pointed a shaking finger at the wall opposite him. "I'm giving Spock his space."

Kurama looked at where Miguel was pointing, and sighed in exasperation. "Miguel, go take a closer look. Go on."

"But—"

"It's okay, I promise. Go on."

So with trembling steps, Miguel went over to examine it gingerly. At last, he paused while looking at the bottom of the skeleton's big toe. "…Made in Taiwan?"

Kurama smiled. "Now check the price tag."

Miguel giggled. "Silly, it doesn't have a price! It's—thirty-five dollars?"

Benji laughed.

"Karasu just put that there as a joke one Halloween. He told me. When I _begging_ him not to."

"Yeah, how's that going?"

Kurama sighed. "I don't want to talk about it, it'll just make me angry. So…" Kurama glanced over at Miguel, who was still examining the fake skeleton and ignoring the other two. Seeing that the redhead was well-distracted, Kurama turned back to his friend and whispered, "How are you doing?"

Benji forced a smile. "I'm fine. I'm completely and totally find and I'm—" Then he looked over at Miguel and he seemed to deflate. "So completely not fine."

"Aw, claustrophobia's reared its ugly head?"

"You have no idea. You remember the time Hiei locked me in a closet back on the _Revenge?_"

"…Yeees…"

Suddenly, Benji's hand shot through the bars and yanked Kurama against them as he hissed, "_This is worse._ And I can't break down in front of Miguel, I won't do it. So get. Me. Out. Of. Here." Benji emphasized each the last five words by pulling Kurama against the bars with each one.

"Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. _Okay!_ Stop! Once Benji had done so, Kurama took a deep breath. "Now, I don't think I can get you out myself, so we'll just have to find someone who can."

"Erik," Benji replied immediately.

"That'll do. But how do we get the message to him? Ever since he got back, Karasu's been reading my mail."

_BAM! _As if on cue, the supply closet in the corner slammed open, and a tiny Korean woman leapt out with a large broom in her hand. "I. See. _All._"

Benji and Miguel jumped at least a foot in the air, but Kurama simply smiled at the woman. "Hello, Mrs. Kim." Then, seeing his friends' looks of confusion, he explained. "She's a closet hopper, and Miss Genkai's very dear friend. Oh! Maybe _she_ could deliver your message!"

"What message?" Mrs. Kim asked, not cracking even the barest hint of a smile.

Kurama quickly explained the entire situation.

"Okay. I deliver message," said the very frightening Korean woman as she turned and leapt into the closet. "AND NO BOYS!" she screeched over her shoulder, slamming the door.

"That. Was the second scariest thing, next to feet, that I've seen in my entire live." Miguel blinked.

XXX

"Well, are you all just gonna stand there or am I gonna hafta go get my magic mojo…?" Yusuke asked.

"That won't be necessary…we were just…"

Thwack! 

Just before Yomi could finish his sentence, he was hit in the head by Yusuke's closet door.

"Ow. What the hey…?" Yomi said, staring at Mrs. Kim.

"You know Kurama?" she asked, raising her broom.

"Yes, I know him," Yomi offered.

"How you know Kurama?"

"I'm Yomi, I'm bringing Hiei back to him…"

An all-knowing look crossed Mrs. Kim's face as she nodded. Then she took a swing at Yomi's head, then his shoulder, continuing until she had him on the floor, beaten senseless. "YOU KILL HIM!"

"Lady's got a point…" Yusuke muttered.

"I know that! I'm bring back his body for Kurama to kiss."

Mrs. Kim nodded. "Ah…so he kill you later."

"No! I'm bringing Hiei _to_ him! Why would he kill me?"

"He say because he's getting married tomorrow. And if he marries Karasu someone's going to pay. He say give you the message, the Korean lady said, and then jumped back in the closet.

"Tomorrow, huh? Well, we better get going," Chu said, heading out the door.

Miracle Yusuke stood there with his hand open. "Tip…?"

Silence.

"…Well, okay."

Yomi, Chu, and Kuwabara, who was holding Hiei now, were soon back on the road, where Kuwabara broke into yet another chorus of "On the Road Again", which he only knew half the lyrics to.

"On the road again…na na na na road again…"

They came across a fork in the road, with a corn field to its left, complete with scarecrow.

"That's eerie…" Chu commented.

Kuwabara shakily lifted a cross and muttered, "The power of Christ compels you…"

"C'mon, Kuwa," Chu said, yanking Kuwabara away from the scarecrow. They walked down the road with a sign reading, "Florin, 12 miles."

Their eyes darted to the right road, where Yomi stood opposite them.

"Where d'you think you're going?" Chu asked.

"To…Guilder…so I can go get drunk with Gilligan," Yomi said, shrugging.

"So…you're bailing on us?" Kuwabara asked, deflated.

"Well…yeah."

Chu's face took on a serious change. "I've spared your life…but if we ever meet again…I'll kill you."

Yomi chuckled. "You never will. There's nothing left to see."

And then there were two.

XXX

Li: Their taller…and there's more of them…

Ava: Li, we've been through this. The cheeses are not growing or reproducing.

Li: They're multiplying. It's like the freakin' Matrix…

- - - - - - - - - -

We know, we suck. We're over it. Blame the shortness on the fact that it's summer and we NEED SCHOOL TO WRITE. We're going back to school, so we'll have even less time to update, but on the up side, the chapters will be better and funnier. So, anyway, please review!


	15. Butts, More Feet, And A Really Ripe Dude

DISCLAIMER: The number of things we actually own is diminishing with each chapter. Don't worry, though, because there will be one massive disclaimer in the last chapter—we take nothing without credit.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Erik slammed his head against the table, which was covered end-to-end with maps and blueprints of the castle. "Is it okay if I just leave them to die?"

The closet hopper smacked him over the head. "No! Is _not_ okay! You get boys. I have to know where boys are! _You save—"_

"Okay, okay, jeez, I get it. I save boys."

"YES, YOU SAVE—"

Just then, the door of the galley slammed open. "ERIK!"

The doctor groaned. "What do you want, Kirk?"

"I don't know what to do, Erik! I'm shaking like a spastic colon!"

"Didn't need to hear that, thanks…."

"What wrong?" the closet hopper asked crisply.

"I sat on a beeee!" Kirk wailed.

"So?"

"I think it's infected!"

"_So_?"

"So I need you to look at it!"

"I'm not looking at your butt, Kirk."

"But it huuuuurts!"

"I don't care."

"It's nothing to be freaked out about! It's not a funny shape or anything!"

"Stop talking about your butt, Kirk."

"But—"

"NO!"

Kirk left, looking depressed and with much slamming of doors. Rolling his eyes, Erik turned back to Mrs. Kim.

"So…what were you saying?"

Mrs. Kim thought a moment, then picked up right where she'd left off. "—BOYS!"

"YEAH, YEAH, I GOT THAT! BUT WHAT'S WITH THE HOMEWORK!"

"Homework? What homework?"

They were interrupted—again—when the door opened—again—and Mikail walked in, looking as if he were facing execution. The reason for this became clear when Kirk followed him in and prodded and poked at his shoulder until Mikail spoke up, reluctantly, his voice broken and thickly accented.

"I need you to look at Kirk's butt."

"Well, why can't you do it?" Erik snapped.

"I don't want to do it," Mikail replied, scandalized. "Why do _I_ have to do it?"

"Um…because you're a chef…" Erik said, saying the first thing that came to mind.

Pause.

"And…uh…because you have a kid," he added, lamely.

"Well, yeah, I do, but it's big and can look at its own butt," Mikail protested/

Erik lost his patience. "FINE! Do you want me to take a look, Kirk?"

"Yes."

Erik paused, then turned to Mrs. Kim. "I don't wanna take a look."

"Well, _I_ am certainly not looking."

Erik cursed.

XXX

Kurama had already come up with exactly 247 things he'd rather be doing than this. Among these 247 things were eating his own hands, cutting off his head and using it as a punch bowl, and sliding down a banister of razorblades and landing in a pool of alcohol.

_At least I get to wear a suit, _Kurama thought sourly, almost grimacing visibly as he remembered what they'd _wanted_ him to wear—a frilly pink shoot-me-if-I-decide-to-wear-this-vile-concoction dress that had caused him to run screaming from the room as soon as he laid eyes on it.

But he shouldn't be thinking about the horrifying outfit right now.

He should be thinking about a means of escape.

Looking down at the bouquet of roses in his hands, a thought struck him. _I can just…throw these in Karasu's face when I get to the altar and RUN_!

Kurama was preoccupied when he reached the altar, but not so preoccupied that he didn't feel a flash of loathing when he noticed the self-satisfied smirk Karasu wore. Oh, and he also noticed a random, old, fat, balding man standing in a corner, eyes closed, clasping a crucifix, a group of acolytes holding up his robes behind him, all of them completely still. _Weird…_

Almost imperceptibly, he began to raise the roses…

"Mahwwage."

Kurama's mind went immediately blank as the impeded speech reached his ears.

"Mahwwage is what bwings us togever today."

Oh, Lord… 

The flowers fell.

XXX

"This has the potential to really suck," Erik murmured, peeking over the castle wall at the assembly of guards, and then ducking back down when one looked up at them. He sighed heavily, and muttered, "Ya know, last thing I was doing was looking at Kirk' butt. How in God's name did I end up _here_?"

But the answer to that was very simple. _It's all the closet hopper's fault!_

After he'd finally agreed to go after "boys"—whoever they were—the closet hopper had explained that he would have to get to the castle himself, because she couldn't transport anyone but herself.

So, grumbling every step, but too terrified of the closet hopper to refuse, Erik headed on foot down the road to Florin. About twelve miles down, he ran into a small group of misfits. There were three of them. One was carrying a pike with a scarecrow's head on it, and another was carrying the third, who seemed…dead.

"Dude…that guy is _rank_."

With those inspired words, Erik joined up with the group, who were incidentally headed to the same place.

While Erik had been thinking, Chu had taken a peek over the wall, and now he dropped again and turned to face Erik. "I can take the forty on the left, and you take the forty on the right."

"Hey, guys, this corpse smells really bad."

"And Kuwabara can stay here and hold the dead guy."

"I'm not kidding, guys! It's really bad!"

"So how do we get in?" Erik asked.

"We could get on top of the wall, and shimmy down really quiet…"

"I don't want to shimmy! _You_ shimmy!"

"Have you ever _seen_ me shimmy? It's not pretty!"

"So we should just _jump_ over the wall?"

"Okay, guys, I'm gonna dump the body. If anyone has any objections say so now!"

"We're not gazelles! We'll hafta climb it. You got rope?"

"Yep."

"…Okay, then, I'll just go throw him in this conveniently labeled Pit of Doom over here…" Kuwabara called, walking over to said Pit and peering down. A second later, though, he jumped back as a deep voice issued from the wide, deep hole.

"Wilst thou grant the gods thy human sacrifice?"

Kuwabara thought about it a moment, then shrugged and held Hiei out by his right ankle, dangling him upside down. "Okay."

"NOOO!" Chu screamed, having finally decided to pay attention to poor Kuwabara. "DOOON'T!"

Kuwabara, now holding Hiei by his big toe, turned quickly, opening his hand as he did so. "Don't what--?"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Chu cried theatrically.

But the freak-out was unwarranted, for when Kuwabara, Erik and Chu looked over the edge, they found that he had landed on a conveniently-placed rock ledge and was now quite safe, aside from still being dead.

"You suck, Kuwabara."

"BOO!"

"OH, MY GOD!"

"STUPID! INCOMPETENT! PATHETIC! BOO!"

And before they could figure out where she'd come from, the Ancient Booer was gone.

"So…" Erik said, turning back to the problem at hand. "How do we get him out?"

Chu thought about it a second. "So. You remember the rope. We make it into a loop, send the lightest guy down, and pull him and Hiei up! Simple."

"Yeah, but…who's the lightest guy?"

As one, both Kuwabara and Chu looked at Erik, who immediately began to back away. "No…no, no, no, no, no, no, _no_! I knew I should have finished off that cake at dinner last night…"

XXX

"And wuuuuve…twue wuuuuve…will fowwow you…fowevah…"

Karasu waited patiently for the warbling to stop, Kurama's unwilling hand clenched tightly and painfully in his, rendering the redhead helpless and unable to carry out his hastily-sketched plan.

_This BITES_! Kurama thought mutinously, almost physically pained by the voice. _I am going to KILL Yomi._

XXX

"HEAVE! HO! HEAVE! HO!"

"WILL YOU STOP YOUR HEAVING AND YOUR HOING AND JUST PULL US UP?" Erik yelled frantically, his arms wrapped tightly around the dead man's waist as they dangled over the yawning abyss beneath them. "Oh, God, I hate heights…" he moaned, closing his eyes.

Finally, with a lot of scraping and bumping and yelping, Erik felt himself reach level ground at last. He stood up and untied the rope, swearing vengeance on Kuwabara under his breath.

"Yeesh, Erik, you were a lot heavier coming up than you were going down," Kuwabara sighed.

Erik rolled his eyes. "Can we just get back to the plan?"

XXX

_How has this guy not been fired by now?_ Kurama wondered, as the infernal priest continued his ceremony. He almost found himself _wishing_ they'd get to the "I do" part, just so the freak would stop talking. And with each word, his hatred for Karasu grew. Hiring this freak was just another mark against the prince, as far as Kurama was concerned.

_Someone has _got_ to take matters into their own hands…_

XXX

"I _really _don't want to fight eighty people," Chu murmured, looking pensive.

"You've said that twice in the last three minutes," Erik snapped, his patience with all humanity beginning to wear thin. "But you have yet to come up with any _ideas_."

"Hey, I'm _working _on it! No need to act like a snob!"

"Yeah, well, you're being—"

"Couldn't we just climb down the vine?" Kuwabara spoke up, tugging on the long, thick vine that led from the bridge/wall they were perched on directly to a window of the castle.

"Oh…uh…I guess…we could do that?" Chu asked, looking at Erik for confirmation and trying not to look too shocked at Kuwabara's coming up with a good idea.

Erik looked over the high wall, his eyes passing from the window to the guards and back again. Then he sighed. "Fine, give me the vine."

XXX

_This is _ridiculousKurama thought furiously, just about fed up with the entire thing. _I am _not_ the damsel in distress! I don't need to just _wait_ to be rescued…_

"AAAH-AH-AH-AH-AH!"

The voice ceased at last as everyone in the room turned toward the window, looking for the source of the strange yells.

"AAAH-AH-AH-AH-AH!"

_CRASH_!

"Ow, ow, _ow_!"

"I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU FELL ON ME! I AM THE CROWN PRINCE OF FLORIN!"

"Oh…nice to meet you, Your Highness."

"Kuwabara, you're not supposed to talk to him. He's the enemy."

"Oh…sorry, Chu."

"Maybe this wasn't the best idea after all…"

"I could have told you that!"

"Shut up, Erik."

"I still have Mask!"

"Good for you, Kuwabara."

"Can we get up now?"

The group disentangled more quickly this time, and once they'd stumbled to their feet, they all stood, looking embarrassed, and for a few moments the whole room was silent. Then…

_Clunk, clunk._

"YOU DESECRATE THE HOUSE OF GOD!"

Erik looked at the random priest in the corner, who had opened his eyes at last. "Uh…yeah…good luck with that. You all right, Kurama?"

Kurama, who was pale and wide-eyed and still processing, nodded slowly. "I'm…fine…"

"Good, then could you point me to the dungeon…?"

Kurama's eyes remained fastened on Hiei, still lying in Kuwabara's arms, and made no attempt to reply.

"Uh…okay…what about you guys?" Erik asked the rest of the room politely.

Every single person—including Karasu and the random priest—pointed the way.

"Er…thanks," Erik muttered, and took off.

Kuwabara watched him leave, then leaned forward, thrusting Hiei's face toward Kurama. "Pssst. Kiss him…" he murmured, pointing to Hiei just in case he was confused. "_Him_!"

Kurama screwed up his face. "Eeeew! No way…"

"But you love him!"

"Not _that_ much! I mean, would it have killed you to bathe him?"

"Well…um…" Kuwabara stuttered. "Maybe…"

Kurama went white then, staring down at Hiei. "Oh, my God…" he murmured softly. "Hiei's…is he dead? He's _dead_…"

"You're…kinda slow, aren't you?" Chu asked.

"Yeah. _I _knew that. I mean, I'm an idiot. What's your excuse?"

Kurama's hands fell limply to his sides, and he looked so pale that Kuwabara shifted Hiei so that he could reach out and grab the redhead's shoulder in case he fell down.

"Oh, my God. Hiei…dead…so what am I supposed to do now? Do I…marry Karasu? Run away? Eat cake? WHAT CRUEL FATE IS THIS?"

Chu spoke up cheerfully. "Well, he's not actually dead, dontcha know! All he needs is the Kiss of Life and he'll be right as rain!"

Kurama looked up quickly, hope filling his features. "Really? Well…can I still have cake?"

"You bet. Love's first kiss can cure him. That means _you_. It can't be anyone else. But you need to do it fast—before he actually dies, ya know."

Kurama thought about it a moment, then spoke decidedly. "Well, we can't do it here. It isn't proper. We should put him in a really fancy room, on a bed of roses."

"But we don't _have_ a bed of roses," Chu protested.

"Oh, I've got one upstairs," Kurama replied matter-of-factly.

"Oh…how…er…convenient," Chu said slowly.

"Yeah, it is. C'mon, Kuwa, let's go…and you can tell me what you're even doing here…"

A round of applause as they ran past drew Karasu from the stupor he'd fallen into while staring at a butterfly outside the window, and he turned quickly, to find his bride gone and his wedding in shambles, and no one left except a bunch of guards and a weird blue-haired guy.

"Well…can't have 'em followed, now, can we?" Chu asked cheerfully. "Ya got any beer? No? Well, okay." And then Chu's grin wasn't at all endearing—it was cold and vicious and cunning and just plain _freaky_. "Let's go, Barbie."

XXX

As Erik rounded the corner and set eyes on the prisoners he'd been sent to rescue, a grin spread across his face. "Well, I'll be damned," he murmured to himself, running the last few feet to peer inside the cells. "So _you're_ boys?" he asked, grinning at Benji.

"Oh, yeah, thanks, Erik! You're my _doctor_! Do you really need to _ask_ that?"

Erik shrugged. "One never knows," he said, producing a skeleton key from his pocket and putting it in the lock of the cell. He tossed the key in, and Benji unlocked his shackles and came gratefully out of the prison. Erik closed the door behind him, and then turned to pull his friend into a quick hug.

"You okay?"

Benji shrugged. "I've come away with a nice, healthy hatred of our dear prince, so it's actually an upper. Good to see you, though, man."

Erik smiled, and clasped Benji's shoulder one more time before letting him go.

A whimper drew their attention then, and Benji immediately rushed to the other cell with a murmur of, "Miguel…"

Erik watched with concern as Benji unlocked the cell and ran in to set his love free.

Miguel rocketed out and threw himself at Erik, burying his nose in the doctor's shirt. "Clean…like it…" Then he looked down, and screamed. "FEET!"

The next second, Benji found his arms full of eighty pounds of shaking redhead. Miguel burrowed into Benji's shoulder, and sighed. "I knew you didn't have feet…" he said, using the little English he knew.

"But…Miguel…he _does_ have feet," Erik said gently, ignorant of Benji's frantically shaking head. "And so do you…"

There was no telling how much Miguel understood, but he did look down, and then let out another wail. Then he raced back into his cell, grabbed the spoon they'd given him, sat down, and begin to saw at his ankles, muttering, "Feet, feet, feet, feet, feet…"

"Uh…why is he hacking at his own foot…?"

"Miguel has foot phobia. And he says this place smells like feet. I think it pushed him over the edge…"

"Feet, feet, feet, feet, feet…"

"But he'll be okay once we get him out."

"Feet, feet, feet, feet, feet…"

"I hope," Benji muttered, going into the cell. Gently, he scooped up Miguel and tossed him over his shoulder, taking the spoon away as he did.

"DON'T DO IT, BENJI! DON'T DO IT!"

Benji ignored him and began to walk out of the dungeons.

"I DON'T WANT IT, I DON'T WANT IT, I DON'T WANT IT!"

Miguel quieted when they left the dungeon, though, and had composed himself by the time Benji deposited him on the ground outside. He brushed himself off calmly, and then launched himself at his love with a squeal of, "BENJIIIIII!"

Benji smiled, and wrapped his arms around Miguel, kissing the top of his head. "Are you all right?"

Miguel nodded. "I love you, Benji…"

"Oh, yeah, sure, don't thank me, I just got you both _out_ of there!" Erik muttered.

Miguel smiled, and turned to throw his arms around the doctor. "ERIK!"

Then he happened to look down, and he screeched to a stop.

"…FEEEEEEEEEEEET!"

XXX

Kurama entered his bedchamber with Kuwabara following him, the latter holding Hiei out in front of him and turning his head to the side to avoid breathing in Hiei's putrid odor.

"Set him here, on the bed," Kurama directed, and Kuwabara did so, then stepped back, quickly. The redhead then sat down beside Hiei on the bed, straightening the blankets absently as he finally brought his eyes to Hiei's face, the face that he felt like he hadn't seen in an eternity. He was on something that was much worse than an emotional roller coaster, and he hated the feeling.

As if to make sure the man on the bed was the real thing and not some sort of hologram, Kurama reached out and brushed his fingers through the spiky black hair that was scattered on the pillow. "Thank you," he whispered.

That "thank you" could have been directed at any number of people. Kuwabara…some sort of god that Kurama thought was watching over them…Hiei's prostrate body…

But all of those possibilities ceased to matter as Kurama placed a soft kiss on Hiei's lips. Time seemed to freeze, exactly like in one of those stupid romance books. A minute passed, then another, then several more, and Kurama and Kuwabara began to wonder if Hiei had somehow been attacked by stingrays while they weren't looking and gone up to the big crocodile swamp in the sky with good ol' Steve.

Then, quite suddenly, Hiei began to stir. It started slowly, with Hiei's hand twitching slightly in his lover's. Kurama blinked. "Hiei?" Then the hand clenched tightly, suddenly, around Kurama's, and Hiei's eyes flew open.

- - - - - - - - - - -

AN: I know, I know, we're the suckiest suck that ever sucked. I'm sooooorry! But it's not me who decides when the chapters end…

Anyways, please review if you still like us at all!


	16. Recalled to Life

DISCLAIMER: I have a surprise for you guys! We STILL don't own them! Aren't you shocked?

* * *

Hiei's eyes wandered around the room for several moments, taking in the unfamiliar walls, the strange bed on which he lay, and finally the worried face that hovered over him. The green eyes were shimmering with tears, and Kurama's hand clutched his lover's in a bone-crushing grip. A small, dreamy smile touched his face as he observed sleepily, "You're not a coconut…"

A quick bark of laughter escaped Kurama before he realized it. Behind him, Kuwabara chuckled too, but it was the only sound he made.

Hiei twisted his hand slightly in his lover's hold. "Not so tight, Kurama," he said, his voice tinged with a tired sort of humor. "I don't need to be called back from the dead anymore."

"Not funny," Kurama replied, though his grip loosened slightly.

"You're crying," Hiei stated. His movements were clumsy as he reached up to brush away the tears on Kurama's face.

"I missed you," Kurama whispered.

Hiei smiled slightly, then grimaced as he tried to shift into a more dignified and vertical position. "You know that soup Mikail used to make for the crew members when they were sick? The water-rice-cheese-garlic-soy-tomato paste-jalapeno combo that made everyone in the vicinity of the kitchens gag on their own vomit? That's what I smell like at this moment."

Kurama didn't reply, but simply laughed and gently helped Hiei into a sitting position, placing several pillows behind him to hold him up.

"What happened?" Hiei demanded. "The last thing I remember is being under some stupid palm tree, naming a coconut Kurama and watching someone else's extremely _weird_ memories flashing around in my head…by the way, your hair is _much_ nicer than the coconut's."

The redhead snorted with laughter as he stood up and went over to his desk, where he poured water from a silver pitcher into a crystal goblet and brought it back over to Hiei. "Yomi came to get you," he explained as he helped his lover drink.

"Yomi?" Hiei asked in surprise.

"I sort of…guilt tripped him into it."

"Atta boy." The spiky-haired man drained the water thirstily. Kurama brought him more, and Hiei drank the next without help. "What is that stuff?"

"It's regular water, but with an herb mixture thrown in. This particular mixture relaxes and strengthens your body after illness, but it sort of knocks out your emotions for a few hours after you take it. I've been using it to help me deal with Karasu, but I think the effect is starting to wear off, and I honestly—"

Kurama was cut off by Hiei's lips pressing against his own. The kiss was long and slow, and it lasted a lot longer than one would expect so soon after returning from the dead. "You talk way too much," Hiei whispered when it broke.

The redhead laughed and pulled his lover in for another, deeper kiss. This one had gone uninterrupted for a minute or so when the door burst open and a group of people burst in—Benji, carrying another man, Chu, and a man that Hiei didn't recognize.

"…Hi, Benji," Kurama greeted them, his sheepish smile covered by his hand, laughter in his voice and in his eyes.

"We'll just…come back layer," Benji said, quickly backing out of the room with Kuwabara and the others following him.

The one Hiei didn't know poked his head back around the doorway. "I'm Erik, by the way. Nice to meet you."

"Nice to…meet you, too, Erik," Hiei muttered dangerously.

"ERIK!"

"OH, MY GOD, BEN, WILL YOU GET OVER YOURSELF!" Erik roared, backing out again and slamming the door.

Kurama and Hiei blinked at each other. "That…ruined the moment."

"I'm _starving_."

"And so did that," Kurama chuckled, and stood. A servant happened to be passing by when he opened the door. "Oh, Tara! Would you put me in your debt forever and bring me a tray of food?"

"Of course," the girl replied, and scurried off to the kitchen.

"Food will be here in awhile," Kurama informed his lover, coming back to sit on the bed. He cast a glance at Hiei's dirty, rumpled clothing, and his mud caked hair and skin, and he wrinkled his knows. "You need a bath."

XXX

Meanwhile, in the chapel 

"WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?" Karasu wailed. "My perfect wedding is ruuuuuined! And they ripped my dreeeeess!" The last word ended in another wail, and he buried his face in his hands and began to cry.

One of the soldiers patted his back awkwardly. "There, there…"

"I mean…you try to do right by them…treat them well. You refrain from killing their vertically challenged former lovers. That should earn you a decent amount of respect, right?"

"Of course, sir…"

"It's just so hard…" Karasu sobbed. "How will I go on?"

"It will be all right, sir. We'll take it one step at a time."

"My dreeeeess! It was so beeeaaaauuuutiiiifuuul! And so PIIIIIIINK!"

"I know, sir…"

XXX

Back in Kurama's room, Hiei was stretched out on Kurama's bed. In the last half hour, Hiei had taken a refreshing, hot bath and was now wearing clean clothes and tucked into Kurama's bed. He felt much better now and was simply waiting for his food. At the moment, however, he had a nice distraction to keep him from dying of hunger.

"You should probably—" Kiss. "—Get some rest." Kiss.

Hiei shook his head. "I." Kiss. "Don't want." Kiss. "To."

"Where could Karasu possibly be?"

"Don't care." With that, Hiei pulled Kurama into another kiss, and Kurama wondered idly if he'd done so just to shut the redhead up. But they were both wondering where everyone else could possibly be, even as they shoved the unwanted thoughts to the backs of their minds.

Unfortunately, their tryst was interrupted by the very subject of those thoughts.

"KURAMA, MY LOVE!"

Kurama groaned and fell forward onto Hiei as the door slammed open and Karasu threw himself through it with a shriek. "Throw something sharp at him…" the redhead groaned.

Karasu pouted. "That's mean. You suck!"

Hiei blinked. "It's rude." He turned to Kurama. "We should kill it."

"Yer face!" Karasu retorted.

"…What?" Kurama asked, confused.

"Who?"

"Diamonds and kukamunga!"

"Huh?"

"I'm _insane!"_

"Are you?"

"Aren't _you_?"

"_What_?"

"Farfignugan shnoogindoogin."

Kurama leaned over to Hiei and whispered, "I confuse him until he loses his train of thought and then he moves on."

Hiei chuckled. "Ah. All right then. Carry on."

"What're you whispering about?' Karasu asked with a perky sort of interest.

Kurama and Hiei remained silent.

Karasu pouted again. "Fine." He grabbed a chair and pulled it in front of him, then placed another on top of it.

"_No forts, _Karasu," Genkai ordered, entering the room.

Karasu pouted. "Fine." He began to set the chairs in their proper places again.

"Genkai, where are Benji and the others?"

"What am I, their mother?"

"Right." Sighing inwardly, Kurama put on his best polite voice. "Genkai, would you please go find Benji and his crew?"

Genkai heaved a sigh and stalked out, muttering under his breath.

Hiei, meanwhile, was observing Karasu with interest as the latter carefully rearranged the chairs, talking to himself while doing so.

"Karasu?" Kurama inquired.

No reply.

"Karasu…"

Mutter, mutter.

"KARASU!"

Karasu jumped and turned back to them. He blinked stupidly, then drew himself up to his fullest, if insubstantial, height. "Right. Kurama, I'm going to have to insist that you step away from that…that pointy-haired person whose name escapes me. Come back to the chapel at once and we will conduct our marriage ceremony properly."

Hiei snorted. "Took you long enough."

Karasu glared at him. "I could have you thrown back on that island any time I wanted to."

"Says the man in the pink dress," Hiei retorted.

"Hey, this was thirty percent off!"

"So not only are you a loser, but you're a cheap loser?"

Karasu's face turned red. "Okay, that's it! SOMEBODY GET SOME ROPE!"

"Karasu."

Karasu blinked and fell silent as he turned to look at Kurama. The redhead's eyes glinted with malice.

Apparently, the humorous part of the conversation was over.

His eyes still on Karasu, Kurama reached into his pocket and pulled out a small, lethal-looking dagger.

"Kurama…what are you doing?" Karasu asked uneasily.

"Do you know what this is, Karasu?" Kurama asked conversationally.

"Er…the pointy object with which you will carefully carve my eyes out of my head and then slit my throat?"

"…I would have just settled for 'dagger', but your way works too."

"…I think you're bluffing."

"Do you?" Kurama inquired.

"I don't think you could do it. You're incapable of killing anyone."

Kurama smiled without humor. "You'd be surprised at what I've become capable of."

"…C'mon, Kurama, can't we talk this out?"

"Well, of course we can. I'm not _completely_ heartless. So here's what will happen. Hiei and I are going to leave with the rest of the crew. We are going to get back on our boat and we are going to set sail at dawn. And if we ever see so much as your sails on the horizon…" His smile was as thin and cold as the blade he held in his hands. "Well, there are a lot of places to dump a corpse out at sea, aren't there?" His hand tightened on Hiei's. "Do we have an accord?"

* * *

AN: Okay, the next chapter will be the last of the actual story, I think! Sorry for the short chapter, but this seemed like a good place to end it, my sister says. Review, please! 


	17. Wrapping It Up

"BENJAMIN GUAVERA, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY SHIP?!?"

Benji groaned and fell forward against Miguel, who was lying propped up against the pillows in their cabin. "Yep…he's back…_now_ I remember why I didn't miss him."

Miguel snorted and smacked Benji over the head. "That's our captain you're talking about."

"Is it, now?" Benji poked his lover in the side. "Is it?" Poke. "Hmm?" Poke, poke, poke.

"Ahahaha…Benji, stop...it tickles…"

"Oh, does it?" Benji teased, moving from poking to full-on, unfiltered tickle torture.

"Hahahahahaha…Benji…stop…I'm gonna…hahaha…hurt you…"

XXX

"It's just a small dent."

"No, it's a _large_ dent, and it's right on the railing where everyone can see it. I leave him on the ship for a month and look what happens. HE DENTED MY SHIP!"

Kurama chuckled and opened his mouth to reply.

"AH MUNNA EAT CHOO!" (Translation from Miguel Speak: "I'm gonna get you!"

Hiei blinked and turned in the direction of the yell, as did Kurama. Both leapt out of the way as Benji came barreling past them with Miguel in his wake.

"O…kay?"

XXX

Later that night, they had put Florin and Karasu far behind them.

Kurama and Hiei were in the crow's nest, their favorite spot. The redhead stood behind his lover, his arms wrapped tightly around Hiei's shoulders and chest. Hiei was standing in the embrace, simply content to have his lover hold him again.

"Have I told you yet how glad I am to hold you like this again?"

Hiei smiled slightly. "No, you haven't."

"…Did that count or do you want me to say it again?"

Hiei laughed. "I think that counted."

Then, suddenly, the captain found himself being spun sharply around and pulled into a long, lingering kiss.

A moment past, and then another, and just when it seemed that nothing could go wrong…

"HEY! YOU! STOP WITH THE SMOOCHIES AND GET DOWN HERE!" shouted a very frantic Benji.

"…Smoochies…?" Hiei asked dumbly.

"It's Benji…" Kurama explained.

"Yes…quite…"

Kurama sighed and peeked his head over the edge of the nest. "Not now, Benji…it's been—"

"Yeah, I know how long it's been. But that doesn't even compare to the separation me and Miguel went through!"

"Really? Why?"

"Because it lasted longer! Ha ha!"

"So now it's a contest?"

"No!" Mutter. "Just get your prissy princess butt down here!"

Hiei growled. "Benji…"

"Yeah! You've had your week alone, okay? Now you're on my time!"

"Your time?! You work for me!"

"You don't pay me enough for _me_ to be on _your_ time! Now either get down here or fork over some cash!"

Kurama turned to Hiei and chuckled. Hiei looked dumbstruck.

"The man hath spoken." Kurama sighed.

"Yeah…and the man hast large mouth. Being temporary captain hath made him stupid."

"Let's go. After you."

XXX

"So," Benji said, pacing back and forth in front of the door to the kitchen, while Kurama sat on a barrel in the corner with Hiei curled up in his lap, and Mikail rocked back and forth on the deck, with his fists raised over his mouth. "Let's review what we know. Fact: Miguel went into the kitchen."

"Fact," Kurama said. "Mikail came _out_ of the kitchen."

"Fact," Benji picked up.

"…I'm really hungry," Erik said, popping his head in.

"Die," Benji replied.

"I'll see if I can't arrange that sometime," Erik replied as he left.

"Fact," Benji went on. "Since Mikail came out he hasn't spoken, moved, or done anything to indicate that he's alive."

"Fact," Kurama added. "Miguel probably did something cute."

"That's not a fact, but it's a safe assumption," Benji said rather proudly.

"Assumption," Kurama corrected himself. "Miguel did something cute."

"Fact," Miguel said, poking his head out of the kitchen. "You is disturbing Miguel's cooking," he said in the funny broken English he was working so hard to perfect. Then he disappeared into the kitchen and the noise resumed.

"Scratch that from the record."

"Fact: there is no record," Kurama said patiently.

"Fact," Miguel said, reappearing. "Benji need stop talking about Miguel like he not here."

"Fact," Benji said. "Miguel is not here."

"GYAH!" Miguel screeched, then slammed the door. There was a _thud_ and then a shout of "OWWW!"

"You okay, hon?" Benji asked through the door.

"I stubbed my toe!" A moment of silence. "Wow, it's turning _purple_, but a really glowy purple! Hey, maybe our doors are radioactive! Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and suddenly be able to shower really fast!" he said in Spanish.

"What mean shower?" Benji asked, puzzled.

"…EWWWWW!"

"Fact: Benji ignores personal hygiene," Kurama stated.

Benji opened his mouth to complain, but decided against it. "Fact: we have no more facts."

"We could ask Mikail what happened…"

"Right!" Benji nodded and sat down next to Mikail.

"Or...you could have asked me!" Miguel yelled from the kitchen in Spanish.

Benji ignored him. "So, Mikail. How's life?"

Mikail let out a half-squeal with his fists still covering his mouth.

"So, in your own words, tell us what happened, Mikail."

Mikail looked at him for a moment, and then began to babble.

"Well, I making bread and Miguel come in. And…a-a-and he take flour—"

"He took the flour?"

"Yes, he take flour. And I say, I say, 'Is my flour, Miguel. Is mine. Give back now.' And Miguel, he say 'No.' So I try take flour. Miguel, he…he grab end of bag. End that I not holding. And he pull. And, and then…flour explode. It explode everywhere. And Miguel get covered. He sneeze, and I…I forget. I forget everything. Everything I ever know. And, and I want Miguel to sneeze again, but he does not, so I leave. Then banging start."

"Oh, Miguel sneezed!" Benji shrieked.

"Oh, my God, was it cute?" Kurama asked, and Hiei roused himself for a moment to smack him lightly on the shoulder.

Mikail nodded. "Oh, yes. Cute. Very cute. I forget breathe."

"Lucky!" Benji whined.

"_He's _lucky! _You're_ sleeping with the guy!" Kurama sighed, and Hiei growled. Kurama smiled and kissed him, and Hiei relaxed.

"Don't go making passes at my Miguel."

Miguel screeched again. "Miguel right _here_! And he _not that_ cute!"

All present in the galley gasped.

"Fact: Miguel is cute." Benji smiled dreamily.

"And that is an actual fact," Hiei stated, breaking his cone of silence in the most shocking of ways.

XXX

An hour later, the entire crew minus Kirk was gathered around the table in the galley. Hiei took his place, at the head of the table, sitting in Kurama's lap. Benji sat to their left with Erik next to him. The rest of the crew—consisting of Mikail, Sebastian, Mr. Straloch, and Mr. Greeley—were sitting in scattered placed at the table.

"Hey, where's Kirk?" Benji asked curiously.

"People don't usually tell Kirk about parties," Erik replied, and Benji nodded.

"Miguel make food! You is to eat!" Miguel announced.

"Really, you made dinner?" Kurama asked, smiling.

"You can cook?" Benji asked stupidly.

"Shut down, Benji!"

"You mean shut up?" Benji offered.

"Benji know what Miguel mean!" the redhead whined and disappeared into the kitchen.

Benji smiled and chased after him. "You're so cute! Come back, come back, I loooove you! Drat!" Then he too disappeared into the kitchen, and his voice echoed out. "CAKE!"

"Cake?!" the crew repeated.

"Big cake!"

And then the crew saw the cake quite clearly, as Miguel carried it out, teetering dangerously and practically invisible behind the massive sugary confection.

"Miguel!" Erik said. "That cake can _not_ be for eating."

Miguel poked his head around the cake, looking crestfallen. "But…but why not?"

"It's big enough for you and me to live in, and still have enough room to do a little souvenir shopping!"

"Huh…?"

"Make a change, Miguel."

Miguel stared sadly down at the cake, pushing his lower lip out in a pout. "Benjiiiii!" he whined. He had begun to walk toward the table as he said it, which, as it turned out, was a decidedly _bad_ idea. The next thing the redhead knew, his feet had found a slippery patch of floor and were then scrambling for balance as he toppled backwards. Benji leapt forward, his arms outstretched, and Miguel smiled in relief—and then hit the floor. Blinking slowly, Miguel raised his gaze up to stare at Benji, who was cradling the giant cake in his arms as he stared down at his lover. "Beeenjiiii!" Miguel cried again, then asked in Spanish, "You saved the _cake_ rather than me?"

Benji blinked in reply, then dropped the cake onto Miguel as he held out his hand to help the redhead up. "Better?" he asked innocently.

Miguel sighed loudly, in an irritated sort of way, and he had the strangest expression on his face, which was covered in cake, as were his hair and his clothes. He pushed himself up off the floor, digging his hand into the cake as he did. The entire room seemed to be holding its breath as Miguel spoke again in Spanish. "You know what I have to do now, right?"

Benji shrugged. "If you must, you must," he replied, also in Spanish. Then his face was covered in icing, and he stopped saying anything at all.

Again, Miguel lost his footing, this time sliding in the cake frosting and finally falling onto the floor.

The galley fell completely silent—even the waves outside seemed to stop—and it remained so for a full minute. Then there was a very odd sound, and everyone turned as one in the direction of it. The source turned out to be Erik, who had his mouth covered with one fist, the corners of his eyes crinkling suspiciously…

"Erik," Benji said, with great and admirable dignity, "You wouldn't be…_laughing_ at me, would you?"

Erik shook his head quickly, but didn't make a sound.

"Because, Erik, _laughing _would imply that you found this rather embarrassing situation _funny_, and I just _know_ you wouldn't be so entertained by your old friend's misfortune."

Erik shook his head again, and he might even have succeeded in hiding his amusement. But, alas, it was not to be, for right then a large blob of icing slid out of Benji's hair and _plopped_ onto his shoulder—and Erik could no longer contain himself.

Everyone stared at Erik, half-collapsed on the floor, holding his sides and screeching with mirth. And that seemed to break whatever spell had been cast over the room. In a second, the entire group had joined Erik on the floor, and the place rang with the kind of infectious laughter that makes you want to smile even if you don't understand the _why_ of it.

"Oh, _I_ know what this is!" Benji shouted peevishly. "This is _mutiny_! I always _knew_ you all liked Hiei better!"

The laughter swelled, and Benji had begun to think that he'd _never_ get the crew back under control when—

"Ah-_choo!"_

Silence.

The group stopped laughing, instantly, as if they'd been stuck full of pins. They all looked at Miguel, still sitting on the floor, and Miguel looked back with wide-eyed innocence that clearly showed that he had no idea of the kind of power he held in his freckled nose.

Then Miguel, slowly and deliberately, raised his hand and rubbed it over his nose in a childish gesture, and they all forgot to breathe for a moment before Mikail said shrilly, "See? _See?_ I _told_ you! You forget _everything_!"

Miguel drew in a breath and leaned back as if readying himself for another sneeze, and everyone leaned forward expectantly. Miguel held the pose for a second, and then shook his head in relief.

"No!" the group screamed.

Seeing that he had captured their attention, Miguel smiled wickedly and reached behind his back, producing—two pies. The grinned widened, and he looked at Erik, raising his missile—then did a 90-degree turn and lobbed it at Hiei. Kurama, showing off his perfect reflexes, stepped calmly to the side to avoid any splatters, and then Hiei had a facefull of pie.

Kurama began to laugh as the pie slid slowly down, dropping to the ground and leaving Hiei with a very white and sugary face. Hiei looked at him for a second, then walked over to Miguel and took the second pie, looking speculatively at it. Then he asked, "Kurama, do you like apple pie?"

"No, not really," Kurama said with laughter in his voice, knowing the game already.

"Good, 'cause this is lemon meringue!"

While Kurama stood in stunned silence as the pie slid down his cheeks in fluffy rivulets, Hiei smirked and turned. "Men," he said in his best "Me Captain, Me In Charge" voice, "you know what to do!"

A roar of approval met his words, and the crew headed for the kitchen.

"Hiei…" Kurama said, sounding awed as he watched them all disappear. "What did you _do?"_

Hiei shrugged. "Something fun, if they do what they're supposed to."

"What—?"

And then Kurama saw, quite clearly, what, when Hiei's veritable army reemerged into the galley, each holding some sort of dessert item and grinning mischievously.

"Um…Miguel?" Erik said uncertainly, taking a step back and hoping Miguel would understand.. "How much dessert did you make?"

"Enough to fill Benji up," Miguel said hesitantly.

Erik groaned and closed his eyes slowly. "Oh, no…"

XXX

Erik managed to hide under a table for a whole five minutes after the food fight began before Benji found him. His best friend conducted his search with admirable thoroughness, crawling the whole of the messy floor, dragging himself on his elbows to prevent his weapon from being rendered useless, and checked under each and every table.

He grinned when he finally caught sight of the doctor, propping and resting his head on his free hand. "Hello, Erik," he said conversationally.

"Hi," Erik replied.

"I have to smash this pudding in your face, you know."

"No, you don't…I'm sure we can work something out…"

"Oh, come on. It's chocolate pudding. You _love_ chocolate pudding. You know you want it…"

"I'm quite sure I don't, but thank you…"

Benji grinned and raised his hand.

"No…Benji, you can't…we're best friends…"

"You laughed at me, though," Benji replied matter-of-factly, and let the pudding fly.

Erik sighed heavily. "Ben?"

"Yeah?"

"Run. Run far and fast."

Benji obeyed fervently, and Erik crawled out into the open and stood up. "What's the matter, Ben? I thought you liked chocolate!"

He gave Benji a count of five, and then gave chase, quite ignored by the rest of the crew.

It was Benji's desperate need for shelter that caused he and Miguel to end up crouched behind an upturned table together.

"Benji," Miguel whispered, "we need a plan."

"Well, look over there and tell me what we're up against."

So, Miguel peeked around the table—and gulped.

Every single member of the crew had frozen, and they were _all_ turned toward their hiding spot, holding food and looking perfectly content to wait until the end of days for them to emerge.

"Well?" Benji asked, when Miguel ducked down again. "What'd you see?"

"The need for a plan," Miguel hissed back. "So…do you have a plan?"

Benji looked thoughtful. "I might…"

Miguel yelped as he found himself suddenly swung up into Benji's arms. "Benji…what exactly _is_ your plan?"

Benji shrugged, and murmured in his ear. "Sorry, love. Live together, die alone."

"What does that mean?!"

And then Benji pitched Miguel over the table and into the crowd.

"BEEENNNJJJIII!"

They all stared as he landed in the middle of the group, but they were only stunned for a moment. Then Mr. Greeley shouted, "GET 'IM!"

Next second Miguel was curled up in a protective little ball on the floor while a plethora of people poked, prodded, and trickled him.

"NO! RAPE! MOLESTATION! DON'T DO IT! BAD TOUCH, ERIK, BAD TOUCH!"

After a few minutes of these screeches, the crows disintegrated into a whirl of dust and brawling, and Miguel was finally forgotten about and able to worm his way carefully out of the crush. Benji was waiting for him, and he took the offered hand gratefully and let his love pull him up.

"Well," Benji said as they watched the brawl, wide-eyed and a bit awed. "I think we've reinstated Friday night dinner."

"Mm-hmm," Miguel replied, and then they went their separate ways—Miguel to a safe little corner, and Benji—to the kitchen.

If Miguel had the ability to see the future, he never would have allowed Benji to go in that direction…

Sadly, though, he only figured out the reason for Benji's chosen destination when the man reemerged, hauling a large barrel.

_Is that…?_

"KEGGER!"

Oh, dear… 

XXX

As the night went on, the crew was reduced to a bunch of Neanderthals with beer.

"Beer nice…foamy…comforting…" Benji slurred.

Miguel shook his head and tried to wriggle himself out of Benji's arms, finally succeeding. "Just don't breathe on me," he said disgustedly.

Benji smiled and wrestled Miguel back into his lap, kissing him. "I love you."

Miguel giggled. "You really know how to sweep one off his feet."

"I try."

Giggle. "Stupid head."

Benji laughed. "Yeah, I might be that, but at least I'm not having an affair."

"Oh, then who is?" Kurama inquired, slightly flushed from drinking so much—and for other reasons best left to the reader's imagination.

Benji smiled, and pointed at Erik.

"Am not!" Erik roared.

"Oh, yeah! Remember that girl in Cuba? The one whose only word of English was 'yes'?"

Erik smiled stupidly. "Si, senor."

"She was married."

Then the whole crew chorused in with an "Oooh…"

Then the fighting started. It was unclear who hit whom first, but suddenly, the entire crew was caught in a massive heap of flailing limbs.

"…What's with all the grunting?" Miguel asked Kurama, in Spanish.

"I don't know," Kurama replied. "Maybe we should get Hiei over to translate for us."

Miguel snorted into his mug.

Then Kurama was engulfed from behind by a small set of arms. "I heard my name," Hiei's voice, uncharacteristically warm, stated.

Kurama smiled and spun in Hiei's embrace, grinning down at his lover. "Miguel, will you excuse us?"

Miguel smiled knowingly, and nodded.

"Thank you." Then Kurama took Hiei's hand and pulled him straight out of the galley and into the dark night outside. After closing the door behind him, the redhead pulled Hiei into a long, slow kiss.

"You're crazy, you know that?" Hiei commented after they'd parted.

"Oh? And why is that?" Kurama asked, his grin widening.

"It's _freezing_ out here!"

"You're such a baby. Come on."

"Wait, where—?"

But it was no use; Hiei was already being pulled off to God-knew-where.

"You crazy little…_where are we going?"_

"Honestly, you ask way too many questions," Kurama replied, beginning to climb the ladder to the crow's nest.

Hiei grumbled good-naturedly as he followed the redhead. "Now what's up here that's _so important_?"

"This." That was all Kurama said before pulling Hiei into another kiss, which lasted at least an eternity before the redhead finally broke it and pulled Hiei into his arms. Resting his chin on top of Hiei's head, he whispered, "Listen."

"…I don't hear anything."

"Really? Nothing?"

"…No…just the ocean…"

"Exactly. I've missed that."

Hiei laughed. "You're insane."

"Maybe," Kurama grinned, pulling Hiei's head up for another kiss.

XXX

"C'mon, Miguel! Just a little bit?"

Miguel glared at him. "Et tu, Brutus?"

"It's not like it's whiskey! What harm ever came from drinking a little wine?"

Miguel raised his eyebrows, and waved a hand to indicate the room at large. "Look at them, Benny. All of them reasonably intelligent young men, driven into complete idiocy by the contents of a few barrels."

"I know, it's great, isn't it?" Benji asked in fiendish delight.

"I HASH HOT STICK, I HASH HOT STICK!" Sebastian shouted gleefully, running past them as he circled the room with a flaming stick he'd gotten from…somewhere that really didn't bear thinking about.

Again, Miguel looked at Benji with raised eyebrows.

"Disturbing, but great."

"You stupid!"

The voice rose even above Sebastian's screeches, and Miguel and Benji looked toward their source. Erik looked sullenly back at them, sandwiched between Mr. Greeley and Mr. Straloch, who were arguing rather loudly in slurring, drunken voices.

"No, you stupid!" Shove.

Shove back. "Smelly head!"

"Fart face!"

"Want more beer!"

"No more beer! Beer bad!" Erik shrilled. "Bad, bad beer! Wait—what am I saying? You're both idiots, and I'm leaving now."

Benji smirked at him as he came over and sat down next to them on their table, muttering under his breath. "You're a very eloquent drunkard, Erik."

"Shut up, Ben."

"I bet I could talk _better_ if _I_ were drunk!" Miguel suddenly said loudly.

Erik glared at him after receiving Benji's translation. "Oh, really? And have you ever _been_ drunk, Miguel?"

Benji translated again, and Miguel shook his head. "No, but if I was, I could still talk the _betterest_!"

"Five bucks says you're wrong."

And that was how Miguel ended up uncorking a new bottle of wine and taking a swig. He swallowed, then contemplated the taste with lips pursed in concentration. "Hmm…interesting. It's fresh…earthy. You can taste the Italians' feet."

"Well, it's a Bordeaux. It's French."

Miguel looked confused. "Well, what's an Italian foot doing in a French wine?"

Erik rolled his eyes up at the ceiling. "Just hurry up and get drunk."

So, Miguel took another swig. And another and another and another, while Benji and Erik watched expectantly. Another sip…another…then a big swig…and then he was draining the bottle and putting it down with a sigh of satisfaction.

Benji and Erik waited for him to say something, but Miguel just sat there in silence. But then his placid expression slowly began to change to one of horror, and he looked at his hands. "Oh, no…"

"What?" Benji asked, a little concerned.

"I've begun to feel a tingling in my fingertips…I think it's starting to effect me…"

Both Benji and Erik groaned and smacked their heads theatrically.

Then Miguel hiccupped, which—if at all possible—was cuter than the sneezing. "Ev'ry—hup—thing in my—hup---head is spi—cup—ing…" Then, with amazing grace, he stood. "Excuse me," he said, then ran to the deck and proceeded to heave.

Benji watched him go, concerned. Then he turned and glared at Erik.

Erik blinked. "Don't blame me—"

"I blame you…" Benji said darkly. Then, with one more glance at his friend, he got up and followed poor Miguel.

Miguel was leaning heavily over the rail, emptying the entire contents of his abused stomach into the ocean. Benji looked sympathetically at him and reached out to carefully home back the long red hair. Miguel grunted in appreciation but couldn't say anything before another meal made its appearance. Benji grimaced, but didn't speak.

Finally, though, Miguel finished and wiped his mouth, then smiled shakily at him. "I don't think it was the wine," he said matter-of-factly. "I think it was the feet _in_ the wine." Then he frowned darkly and glared. "You are going to _regret_ making me do that."

Benji grinned impishly, though he still looked a little concerned. "Oh? How?"

A slow, evil little smile crossed Miguel's face. "Well, that's the question, isn't it? But I think I have an answer." His voice rose. "IT'S BATH TIME!"

XXX

Erik was still stewing in his guilt when the door slammed open and Benji burst in. "EVERYBODY RUUUN!"

Erik looked at him quizzically. "Why?" he asked, everyone echoing him.

And then Miguel appeared in the doorway, holding a loofah and a bar of soap and looking for all the world like Mr. Clean himself.

There was a moment of silence while everyone stared in horror. Then Miguel raised his weapons and cackled. "I have bathroom products and I'm not afraid to use 'em!"

Benji hissed, sounding so like an angry cat that even Miguel started a little.

Erik, however, just shrugged. "I think a bath might be pleasant, actually."

"You would," Benji grunted. "Traitor."

"Really?" Miguel asked Erik. "You think it good idea?"

"Mm-hmm," Erik said warmly.

"Good," Miguel said with a smile. "Hold that thought." And then he ran into the kitchen without another word. They scarcely had time to wonder what he was doing before he was back—with a hose. "Now. You want bath? Well, you get bath. Right here, right now." And then he turned on the hose.

"Wha—but…but I didn't mean it like that!" Erik yelped, dripping from his sudden dousing. "I WAS ON YOUR SIDE, DAMMIT!"

"Miguel, turn is _OFF_!" Benji bellowed.

"Sorry, I can't hear you!" Miguel deadpanned. "The hose is too loud!"

"Miguel—" Benji tried one more time, before turning tail and retreating.

Miguel smiled evilly, and hefted the bar of soap in one hand before sending it flying to land in front of his lover. Benji fell with an undignified squeal, and landed flat on his back, staring at the ceiling.

Then Miguel's face loomed into his line of vision. "Hahaha….now I've got you where I want you!"

"W-what are you going to do?" Benji asked fearfully.

Miguel just chuckled, soaped up the loofah, and got to work scrubbing Benji's hair.

"No…oh, no, no, no…_no…IT BUUURNS!_ Miguel, stop…you're killing me…NOOO!"

Miguel scrubbed harder, cackling the whole time like the cat who ate the canary, while Benji screamed and fought and screamed some more, all in vain…

XXX

**Meanwhile**…

**In a bar outside the country of Florin**

A familiar blue-haired Aussi and his oaf-like companion were getting really, really drunk.

"Chu?"

Silence.

Kuwa turned to his friend and shook him roughly. "Chu?"

"A…duh…" Chu mumbled.

"You're Chu," Kuwabara explained, Chu apparently having forgotten his name again.

"Oh…wha-ya-wan'…?"

"Just wanted to know…what we gonna do now…like…with life in general?"

"Beer?"

"No! I'm bein' serious here. What we gonna do?"

Chu stared at his half-empty glass in awe. "I dunno…you got any ideas?"

Kuwabara smiled. "I do!" he said, pulling out a large book. "I wrote down all of our adventures in this book, with Hiei an' Kurama, ya know?"

"Yeah…"

"Well, I was thinking about getting it published. I called it 'The Princess Bride' by Kazuma Kuwabara."

Chu blinked. "That'll never sell…"

Kuwa shrugged and tossed the book aside. "Okay. Well, I got something else. It's about a coconut who loses his way, becomes a famous bard, and falls in love. Whaddya think?"

"Now that's a story! Let's go!"

And with that, the two left at once, headed for the nearest publishing company.

They never looked back, or they would have seen a man by the name of S. Morgenstern make his way to the counter, where he found Kuwabara's book and began to flip through it. "Now this is good stuff…"

XXX

Back at Miracle Yusuke's 

"I _TOLD_ YOU NOT TO EAT SO MUCH EYE OF NEWT!"

"SHADDUP, YA OLD FART! I TOLD YA, IT'S NOT THE EYE OF NEWT!"

"THEN WHY THE HELL AM I PUMPING YOUR STOMACH?"

"BECAUSE I'M DEATHLY ALLERGIC TO _YOU_!"

"OH, THAT'S GRATITUDE! MAYBE I'LL JUST LEAVE YOU TO YOUR FATE!"

"GO AHEAD! BETTER THAN BEING NEAR YOU FOR ANY LENGTH OF TIME!"

"OH, THAT IS _IT!"_

"WHATCHA GONNA GO, _SCRATCH YOUR BUM_ AT ME?"

"I'M _HIDING THE EYES!"_

"NOOOOOOO!"

XXX

The Palace 

"Guys? Hello? This isn't funny anymore! Kurama...somebody…help?" Karasu shrilled from Kurama's room, where he had been left tied to a chair with pink taffeta.

In response, the kitchen crew came in and started prodding the Prince with various cooking utensils.

"Hey! No! Stop! I command you to stop!"

"You can't command anyone anymore," Tara said calmly.

"Why not?"

"You've been dethroned, foo!" Cook scoffed.

"By what?!"

"Well…ya see…"

XXX

**Now, Think Way, Way Back to the Soldiers on the Cliff. That's Where We Are Now, With The Soldiers.**

"I've only got two rules for you thumb-suckin' mama's boys! One: The pirate ship Revenge. Leave it alone, they're way out of your league. End of story." Genkai marched in front of the soldiers as she spoke, and they all stood at absolute attention. "Two: Never, for any reason, untie Karasu. Got it? Your new purpose in life is to watch him rot."

Several soldiers wrinkled their noses. "Ewww…"

"Do I make my demands clear?"

"Ma'am, yes, ma'am!"

Glare.

"Sir, yes, sir!"

"Good! Hey, you, bring me something deep-fried and smothered in chocolate!"

"Yes, dictator lady…" whimpered the small, five-year-old servant boy.

"Dictator…I like that." She smiled in satisfaction as she took the throne. "You! Produce a newspaper for me to read!"

The teenage boy she addressed shook. "How?"

"How should I know? Just do it!"

The boy did as she asked and presented her with a newspaper pulled out of thin air.

"What's your name…?"

"M-Merlin…"

"Okay," she said, and snatched the paper. "Now, all of you. Go away, get lives, have 2.5 children or whatever. Just get out of my face!"

As one, the clump of people scurried away and left her sight, as she ordered.

Genkai sighed and began to read her paper.

"'Front page: Soldier Rescued From Giant Trampoline. Really rank dude found on a hill. Or was it a mountain. Maybe it was a hill _by_ a mountain…'"

XXX

Berkley grinned triumphantly as he poked his head out from behind the large potted plant in the lobby of the random hotel he'd been in all day. "The target has been sighted," he murmured into the plastic PlaySkool walkie-talkie he held. "Preparing for ambush." He put the walkie-talkie away and stepped out from behind the plant, his eyes on the long-coveted Pedro.

He had been following the Cuban since the rest of the crew had—undoubtedly by accident—dumped him here and then left him without warning. The target had been clever, eluding Berkley at most every turn, but Berkley had been persistent, and finally—finally!—his hard work had paid off.

Still smiling, he stepped out from behind the plant, and began to sneak across the lobby. "Da da…da da…da da da da da da…" He sang the _Pink Panther_ theme to himself as he stalked. "DA DA, DA DA!" His voice rose in a crescendo as he hurled himself forward and latched onto Pedro. "HELLO, SEXY!"

"ACK!"

"You keep running away from me, babe!" Berkley complained loudly, causing no few passerby to stop and stare. "I _miss_ you!"

"GET…_AWAY_…FROM…ME!" Pedro screeched.

"Aw, you don't mean that, love…"

A yowl of, "I MOST CERTAINLY DO!" and a shove, and Berkley was sitting on the floor, watching Pedro racing for the nearest exit.

"Aww, stud…you're so _mean_ to me!" Berkley wailed at his fleeing back. He stared for a moment, then reached into his pocket and pulled out his walkie. "Target has escaped. Repeat, _target has escaped._ Heading back to Pedro Is My Lover Headquarters to plan the next move. Over." A moment of silence. Then…

"I LOOOOVE YOU, PEDRO!"

XXX

Back At The Ship 

Hiei leaned back from his kiss with Kurama, sniffing the air. "Hmm…do you smell that?"

Kurama sniffed, too. "Yeah. It smells like…"

"Roses…" Hiei said slowly. "But where—?"

"Aw, c'mon, guys, it's not so bad! You smell like _humans_, at least!"

"BUT WE DON'T SMELL LIKE _MEN_ ANYMORE!"

"Not _disgusting_ men, maybe, but—don't you _like_ smelling nice?"

"Benji, how much do you like this person?"

"Do what ya gotta do, boys."

Hiei and Kurama listened to this conversation with raised eyebrows. Hiei was the first to put it together, and he groaned and closed his eyes. "Oh, no…"

"What's the matter?" Kurama asked, concerned.

"My men…Miguel's gone and _bathed_ them…my crew…smells like…_roses_…"

Kurama laughed loudly. "Is that so bad?"

"Easy for you to say. You've been living like a woman for the past forever and a day…" Hiei grumbled.

"Ugh, don't remind me."

Hiei smiled, but buried his face in Kurama's chest as though something had upset him.

"Hiei?" Kurama asked, his voice concerned. "What's wrong, love?"

"Too long," Hiei replied, his voice muffled in his lover's shirt.

"…What?"

"We lost so much time…"

Kurama blinked slowly, confused at hearing so much vulnerability in Hiei's voice. "Love, what're you…?" Then comprehension dawned across the redhead's face. "…Oh."

"I could have lost you."

Kurama's embrace tightened. "I _did_ lose you. For awhile."

Hiei sighed. "I just…I don't…"

"You don't what, love?" Kurama prompted gently.

Hiei's voice was barely audible now. "I don't want to lose people anymore." He turned his head so that his cheek rested against Kurama's shoulder. "You're the best thing that could possibly happen to me in a million lifetimes, and…those people down there, moronic and pathetic and hopeless as they are…" Hiei's voice quavered and cut off, then came again with renewed strength. "Never again. That damn pretty boy and his Godforsaken pathetic excuses for henchmen will never get within fifty leagues of you, my crew, or my ship for as long as I'm hear to stop them."

Kurama chuckled. "You won't have to do it alone, you know. I'm not exactly a damsel in distress. And I don't want you to get captured any more than you want me to." He grinned. "You aren't the only infatuated ninny in this relationship."

"I am _not_ infatuated."

"Of course you aren't, dear." Kurama laughed at the look Hiei gave him, but his voice turned sober after a moment as he placed a gentle kiss on Hiei's forehead. "I would go to hell and back for you any day of the week and twice on Sunday, love, and I know you'd do the same for me. I also know you won't ever have to, because I will _never_ leave you alone again for any reason. I swear." He placed another kiss on Hiei's forehead. "It's us against the world from now on. All right?"

Hiei nodded slowly and shoved his face back into Kurama's chest. The redhead rested his cheek against the top of his lover's head and tightened his hold on the smaller man. He started to sway gently, and Hiei moved with him, not wanting to do anything else, and not knowing what he _would_ do if he _did_ want to. They stayed like that for a good hour, at least, listening to the sounds fading on the deck below them as everyone went to their beds.

"Are you tired, love?" Kurama finally inquired quietly.

"Exhausted," came the muffled reply.

"Do you want to go back to our cabin?"

Hiei shook his head. "I like it up here. It's quiet."

Kurama smiled. "All right, then." And he flopped down on the floor of the crow's nest, pulling Hiei down into his arms as he did so, cradling the smaller man in his arms. "Sleep now."

In this position, held in Kurama's loving embrace, his head pillowed on the redhead's chest. Hiei felt himself drifting off already. "Yes, sir," he replied sleepily.

The soft, silky chuckle that rippled through Kurama's chest was the last thing Hiei heard before he allowed himself to be pulled into dreams that were peaceful for the first time in more weeks than he could remember.

XXX

He awoke to silence, except for the soft sounds of waves slapping against the ship, gulls calling to one another, the soft creaking of the ship as the wind rocked it, and Kurama's deep, even breathing. He felt more rested and at peace this morning than he had in months.

The sun had not yet risen, but the soft glow on the eastern horizon told Hiei that its appearance would not be long in coming. Stretching lazily, Hiei stood slowly, careful not to wake Kurama. Sighing contentedly, he started to walk towards the edge of the crow's nest—and froze at the sight of the coconut lying on the floor. Slowly, he reached down to pick it up.

He stood there for awhile, pondering, cradling the coconut in his hands. It probably seemed silly to everyone else, feeling such a deep sentimental attachment to a fruit, but to Hiei, that fruit symbolized a lot of things. Love. Loss. Separation. Pain. Confusion. Loving again. He was so deep in his thoughts that he didn't hear Kurama coming up behind him, and he started when he felt Kurama's arms come around his waist from behind. "What're you thinking about?"

Hiei smiled slightly. "Coconuts."

Kurama chuckled, but realized that Hiei had something important on his mind, so he said nothing else as he waited for Hiei to speak. He wasn't disappointed.

"I really did believe this stupid thing was you for awhile."

"I know."

"I needed to believe it."

"I know."

"I love you, Kurama."

Kurama smiled. "I know."

Hiei sighed, and pondered some more. Kurama waited patiently. Then, quite suddenly, Hiei hurled the coconut into the rolling waves with all his strength—with was quite substantial, small and _in_substantial as he looked.

Kurama smiled again, and his hold grew impossibly tight. "I love you, Hiei."

They stood there for a long time, until the sun began its ascent into the sky and the tell-tale sounds of the awakening crew disturbed the peace of the morning, but only slightly. They didn't speak—words were unnecessary. The coconut was still bobbing on the waves.

Or at least, it was until it was chomped to pieces by the teeth of what could only have been a shark.

"YEEEOOOWWW!" Kurama yelped, clutching his head momentarily with one hand before returning it to Hiei's waist.

"…Do you think that's an omen?" Hiei asked.

"Probably."

Hiei sighed. "We lead such charmed lives," he remarked dryly.

Kurama smiled, and tightened his embrace for a moment before going back to his former, more relaxed hold. "Just watch the sunrise."

And so they did.

XXX

"And then they all lived happily ever after, and then Benji crashed the ship, and it was bad, and everything sucked. The end," Yomi finished, closing the book and putting it down.

"WHAT?" Shura yelped indignantly. "THAT CAN'T BE THE ENDING! THAT'S NOT _AN_ ENDING! THAT'S A FREAKIN' _BEGINNING_!"

Yomi shrugged. "Well, there's a sequel," he said nonchalantly.

"Oh…well then okay," Shura said, calming down a little.

"Of course, I'm not going to tell you what it is."

Shura flared up again instantly. "YOU'RE NOT SERIOUS!"

"Must you constantly _shout_?" Yomi asked, looking amused at the reaction.

"YES, I MUST! WHAT'S THE SEQUEL CALLED?"

"I thought you hated this book."

"I NEVER SAID I DIDN'T!"

"You're putting an awful lot of energy into convincing me to give you the sequel title, for someone who hates all Morgenstern has to offer." And with that wealth of information, Yomi stood up to leave.

"WAIT!" Shura screeched, reaching out in vain to grab his shirt.

"Sorry, I have a schedule to keep," Yomi replied, already heading for the door.

"TELL ME THE TITLE!"

"Uh…no."

"TELL ME! I HAVE TO KNOW!"

"Sorry."

"I'M JUST GONNA GOOGLE IT AFTER YOU LEAVE!"

"Dirty."

"I'LL BUY IT OFF E-BAY!"

"Have fun with that."

"YOU OLD MUMMIFIED FART!"

"Little white-trash rich kid."

"GET OUTTA HERE!"

"A little behind, aren't you? I'm _trying_ to leave."

"BASTARD!"

"Are you ever gonna stop?"

"LOSER!"

"Apparently not."

"JERK!"

"Oh, look, there goes Tommy Tune."

"AH MUNNAH EAT CHOO!"

"Oh, don't even _try_ to do a Miguel, kid, you can _not_ pull it off…"

"_PLEASE?"_ Shura shouted after him, actually choking on the word.

Yomi chuckled and shook his head, smiling in satisfaction as he left his grandson's house, having paved the way for yet another obsessor of _The Princess Bride_.

Tomorrow, the binge drinking would begin.

Thursday, the kid would begin therapy.

And two weeks from today was the day Shura was scheduled to chew his own head off.

Well, I do love a schedule… 

XXX

Shura sat and sulked in silence for a long time after his grandfather left. He _wanted_ that book—he _really_ wanted that book…and he wouldn't rest until he got it! He wouldn't think about anything else until the sequel to _The Princess Bride_ was in his hands. No matter what.

A whole ten seconds passed after he made the resolution before his PlayStation controller was back in his hands—a new personal best—and with the flip of a switch his game was on again.

"Now…let's see that ending…"

XXX

All Cast: **stands silent, waiting for further instruction**

Li: **hugs Rico and snores loudly**

Ava: Li…? **Nudges** Li! You have to wake up! Wake up and tell these people to go home!

Li: **mumbles** …And then I'd say, "What is this in your ear?" And I'd reach in their ear and pull out a bright, shiny penny, and people would just laugh and clap…

Adara: …Fascinating.

Li: Have you ever levitated a Rottweiler?

Adara: …No.

Li: _Not easy._ But with a cape…and a wand…and a shiny…black…top hat… **snores**

Ava: Okay, on three, we take the megaphone…

Adara: I'm sorry, you must have mistaken me for someone who cares…

Ava: Okay…_I'll_ take the megaphone…

Adara: Better.

Ava: **attempts to take Rico**

Li: …You try take my Rico…?

Ava: No, I was just trying to—

Li: No one touches my Rico…guards…guards…!

Adara: You fired the guards…because one of them ate your lemon strudel, you remember?

Li: **thinks **We like strudel…

Ava: The movie is done, Li.

Li: Really? How was it? Happy? Sad? Good? Bad? Exciting? Boring? It must've been boring, hence, the sleeping…

Adara: And the snoring…

Ava: **giggles** You made a rhyme…

Li: So…it's over?

Ava: Yes.

Li: Done!?

Adara: **nods** Finished.

Li: Well…I guess we can…go ho— **snore**

Karasu: Go…hoe?

Ava: Go home.

Karasu. Go home. Like homie? **Sings** Rollin' with the homies…

Ava: No. Go _home_, Karasu!

Adara: And everyone else, too.

**Every human and Karasu leaves, and the only remains of the actual set are Li snoozing in her director's chair, Ava and Adara staring at her, and for some reason, a tumbleweed**

XXX

**A Few Weeks Later**…

"So…what exactly happened here?" The small, beady-eyed reporter paced in front of the large, cell-like room as he spoke, eyeing the three girls inside with interest. He had a notebook in his hand, and as the lab tech answered him, he began scribbling furiously.

"Well, the doctor found the blue-haired one wandering the streets, cuddling a megaphone and crooning to it. So he tried to take it, so that he could speak to her, and she smacked him and screamed for her army of squarks—"

"And can you tell me what a 'squark' is?"

The tech shrugged. "The doctor asked her that, and she said with great dignity that a squark is a mystical wart-covered bird that's perpetually feeling sorry for itself."

The reporter nodded, and scribbled that down.

"Well, anyway, doc figured she was more'n a little nuts—ever read _One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest_? So, he pulls some of his ultra-cool-and-intimidatingly-awesome Pink Belt moves, and gets her into his car."

"And how did the other two get here?"

"They came with her. The doc was about to climb in when they came charging around the corner, foaming at the mouth and screaming in Yiddish. One of them was swinging a wet squirrel around and the other had a big salami. So, the doc busted a move again, and brought them _all_ here."

The reporter nodded. "Now, can you tell me the prognosis?"

"We haven't been able to get much sanity out of them."

The reporter jumped as the voice spoke _behind_ him—he was facing the doorway with his back to the cell—and turned to face the doctor. "Where do you come from?"

"I get asked that a lot…" The doctor looked thoughtful, then shook his head and went on. "Well, anyway, the prognosis is this: those three are absolutely, totally certifiable. It seems to be incurable. From what I can pick out of the psychobabble, the blue-haired one was driven out of her teeny-tiny mind by a movie she was directing—and also, she keeps speaking of people trying to steal Rico Suave, whom I guess is her boyfriend…"

"THE COCONUT IS HIEI'S LOVER!"

"See? Insane. And the name Karasu is mentioned quite a bit, too, so _she_—whoever she is—must have had something to do with the situation. And—"

"Who're you?"

The blue-haired girl's voice grunted very close by, and they all turned to see her face pressed against the glass as she glared at them, still clutching the megaphone.

The doctor smiled charmingly. "Ah, Miss Li. You know me! I am Dr. Shabalabaloo. This is Mr. Habadabadong…" The tech nodded. "…And Bob Smith."

"Oh…" Li shrugged and turned away, wandering back to her friends.

"Okay, do you have anything to add to my notes?" the reporter asked.

"Tell him you're a quack," one of the others—Adara?—said flatly.

"No one asked for _your_ input OH MY GOD FOOT."

Li tucked the foot she had stuck out at the doctor back under her with an air of satisfaction. "Y'know, one day they're gonna come up with a name for that food phobia. _Everyone_ has it…" she said, with perfect lucidity to her friends. Then… "BREAK IT DOWN!"

Adara and the other girl, Ava, responded instantly. "Boogie wonderland…"

"BOWIE IS _THE MAN!" _Li yelled, beginning to dance.

"Even _penguins_ dance to his tune!" Ava added.

"There are penguins in _Supernatural_!" Adara said.

"Jared's a hottie!"

"His dog could totally chase aliens…"

"E.T.'s boogly…"

"BOOGER!"

"I have a toe…it's gross."

"And be grateful for it! There are people in India who don't _have_ toes!"

"Oh, shut up about the kids in India already, Adara…"

ALARM! ALARM! ALARM!

They were interrupted by a loud blaring sound, and a calm, cool voice came over the intercom.

"Attention, please. An avenging angel has just arrived on a flaming chariot from Heaven and announced nuclear Armageddon. The apocalypse is upon us, and the sky is raining flaming bunnies. Please duck under the nearest table until the earth opens up and swallows you whole, at which time you are on your own."

Li immediately grabbed one of her slippers and began to speak into it. "Attention, men. _We are at war_! To your stations!" Then she turned to Ava and Adara. "We have to build a fort."

Ava nodded. "I'll get some pillows."

"And I'll get the glue," Adara added.

"Why glue?" Li asked curiously.

"Provisions," Adara replied.

"Right." Li nodded, and took a candy bar out of her pocket and began to eat is absently. Adara stopped cold and stared at it.

"You've been holding out on us…" Ava said slowly. "You had chocolate on you this _whole time!"_

"How _could_ you?" Adara wailed. "I haven't had anything but the little blue pills in THREE DAYS!"

"I got the red ones yesterday…" Ava said tentatively.

Li glared. "And you didn't think to _share_?"

Adara snorted and eyed the candy. "Pot calling kettle much?"

Li rolled her eyes and said flatly, "You're insane. I see no pots here. _Or_ kettles."

This seemed to be the last straw. "AIIIYYYEEE!" Adara yelled, launching herself at Li.

Dr. Shabalabaloo watched them for a moment, then turned to the other two. "So…flaming bunnies?"

Mr. Habadabadong shrugged. "Absolutely."

Bob Smith nodded. "I'm with you. Maybe we'll see some squarks…"

XXX

A few thousand miles away, Karasu modeled his newest dress in front of his mirror, cackling. "Well, Karasu, you have successfully neutralized Public Enemy #1 and made it so you never have to see her face again. What will you do next?"

A moment of silence.

Then…

"I SHOULD BRING HER FLOWERS!"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

THE END! OR _IS IT?_ No, it's not. There's _another_ chapter coming! Well…sort of. Stay tuned…


	18. The End For Real

I GIVE YOU…OUR READY-MADE GAG REEL!!! (Brought to you by The Minions of the Muffin King. No animals, objects, or megaphones were harmed during the making of this production. However, we cannot make that same promise for humans, demons, or lawyers.)

* * *

**Benji stands on deck, Berkley coming up behind him**. 

Berkley: OH, MR. SEXY!!! **goes to glomp, but he jumps too high and flies over Benji's head and into the ocean**

Li: CUT!

**Take 2**

Berkley: OH, MR. SEXY! **goes to glomp, but veers off to the side and runs into a tree**

Li: CUT!!! BERKLEY, CAN'T YOU GLOMP IN A STRAIGHT LINE???

**Take 3**

Berkley: OH, MR. SEXY! **goes to glomp, but runs instead into Miguel, who has been placed in front of Benji. Signs appear above Benji and Miguel's heads, reading "The Idiot" and "The Sacrifice" respectively.**

Li: NOOOOO!

**Take 4**

Berkley: **turns to Li, having just done it wrong… AGAIN **Maybe I would do it better if I had a reward…

Li: Like what, Berkley? **flatly**

Berkley: **looks around, then points to really hot crew member** I want _HIM!_

Crew member: **backs away** No, no. No, no, no. Oh, please, no…

Li: **studies crew member, then shrugs** Fine. Now _do the scene!!!_

Crew member: **takes out cross and begins doing Hail Marys**

* * *

**Hiei and Kurama's second big kiss scene**

Hiei: I'm sorry! I didn't mean to put you through all that! I…is there any way…I mean…can you forgive me?

Kurama: **stares at Hiei, having forgotten his line, and then the sound of an airplane cuts through the air**

Hiei: What the f—

**Both of them look up, just in time to see Jin go whizzing over them.**

Li: CUT! SOMEONE GET THAT IRISH VERSION OF A BRAIN FART OFF THE SET!

* * *

**Hiei sits on set while they film a random scene. Next to him is a dummy shaped vaguely like Kurama, which has a coconut for a head.**

Hiei: **gestures** Okay. I can't work with this dummy.

Li: **bangs head on table** Cut…cut…cut…cut…cut…

* * *

**After Benji got slashed and shot with arrows**

Kurama: Benji! **kneels down and scoops Benji up**

Benji: I'm… sorry… I guess I… in the end… wasn't… man enough for you, K'rama. f**eigns heartbreak**

Kurama: **shakes his head and hits Benji on the head **Pervert!

Benji: **bursts into uncontrollable laughter **Oh, my God, you people, I'm sooo sorry…

Hiei: **looks worried** Benji?

Benji: Hiei…?

Hiei: Benji.

Benji: Hiei.

Hiei: _Benji…_**growl**

Benji: **scared **…Hiei?

**Scuffling sounds**

Li: **brings tape recorder to set, having lost her voice, and plays it** CUT!!!

* * *

**One of Hiei and Kurama's scenes… again**

Kurama: Farmboy, fetch me that coconut.

Hiei: **glances up at coconut** …No.

Kurama: **bursts out laughing**

Li: **picks up wooden spoon and attempts to hack her hand off with it**

* * *

**Hiei sits on the island playing checkers with the coconut.**

Hiei: It's your move…

Coconut: **silence**

Hiei: **bursts out laughing** I'm talking to a coconut…

Li: **bites head off Karasu doll**

* * *

**Chu and Hiei's fight scene**

Hiei: You have a strange style.

Chu: Yes, in my country we call this style…**slips on banana peel and immediately cracks up **…FALLING ON MY BUTT! OUCH!

Hiei: I'M WORKING WITH A BUNCH OF CLOWNS! **stomps off set, where Suzuka immediately comes by and sweeps him up**

Li: **having spent the last scenes making many paper cutouts of Karasu, she now methodically begins to cut each of their heads off**

* * *

**Directly after the discovery of Hiei's death**

Yomi: Okay, what are the options here? Cremation or burial?

**Silence.**

Hiei's cell phone: _Ring, ring._

Dead Hiei: **gets up** Sorry, I gotta take this…**pulls out cell and opens it, then listens** NO, JERRY, I DID NOT ORDER A GIANT TRAMPOLINE!

Li: OH, FOR THE LOVE OF—KURAMA, I THOUGHT YOU TOOK THAT AWAY FROM HIM!

Kurama: I tried, but he bit me.

Li: **swills a bottle of whiskey**

* * *

**In the scene where Benji and Miguel are imprisoned**

Miguel: **saying his lines while Yusuke's foot is propped up next to his head** It smells funny down here. Like millions of feet.

Yusuke: I'm sorry…

Miguel: **leaps into the air after seeing the foot **Oh my God!! l**aughs while beating off Yusuke's foot with one of Spock's legs** Gross… feet… **giggle** Benji!

Li: **giggles drunkenly**

* * *

**Benji is standing behind Erik, who is steering the ship. A sub is coming toward them.**

Benji: Would ya turn? Would ya turn? Would ya turn?

Erik: I WILL PULL THIS PIRATE SHIP OVER!

Benji: …Would ya turn?

Erik: FINE! YOU WANNA STEER, F - - - IN' STEER! **Gets up and leaves in a huff**

Benji: **sits down and takes wheel in hand, and it promptly falls off. Benji holds it and stares at it, puzzled, then snorts and starts laughing.**

Li: **spins in whirly chair, really drunk now** WHEEEEEEEEE!

* * *

**The whole crew sitting in the galley eating, when Hiei comes in and closes the door.**

Random person: Who's steering the ship?

Hiei: Well, it's either on autopilot or we're about to self-destruct. **laughs maniacally**

Li: RICO! RICO, I'M COMIN' TA JOIN YA! RICO!

* * *

**During the scene when Kuwabara drops Hiei into the pit of doom.**

Cave: Wilst thou grant the gods thy human sacrifice?

Kuwabara: **holding Hiei over the pit by his ankle** Uh…**shrugs **Okay. **drops Hiei…and then falls into the pit himself **BIIIIIIIIIIIITE MEEEEE!

Hiei: **still falling** THAAAAAT'S MYYYYYY LIIIIIINE!

Li: **dies**

* * *

Miguel: **focuses a camera on himself and turns it on** This Miguel vision! Miguel decide to take camera around set and film everyone! Miguel want show that only _most_ of them insane, and that despite the way they act around each other, they really do get along! And love each other very much!

Everyone on set: NO WE DON'T!!!

Miguel: See? They deny. They never admit it. But it true. Miguel promise. Okay, Miguel film now. **turns camera away from himself **ACTION! **turns camera back on himself** That what directors say, no?

* * *

**Miguel comes to Karusu's trailer **Say something to camera, woman person! **And waits expectantly.**

Karasu: Okay. I am a _very_ busy woman, and this should be apparent to anyone.

Kurama: **staggers dramatically and speaks in very feminine, southern bell accent** But Karasu! If you go, where will I go? What'll I do?

Karasu: **speaks in highly masculine voice with the same accent** Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.

Both at same time: Oh, my God, you've _seen_ that movie?!

Li: Can we please shoot now?

Kurama: But…but I'm having fun!

Li: With Karasu.

Kurama: **looks at Karasu, then back at Li** Okay, shoot.

Li: Good. Get over there.

Kurama: No. I mean shoot. With a gun. At me.

* * *

**Benji is trying to hide from Berkley, and a random Safari guy's voice (like from Animal Planet) sounds over the scene**. 

Narrator: The Benjis Gueveris tends to protect himself by hiding in the hunter's blind spot…

Li: CUT! OKAY, WHO DID THE VOICE-OVER!

Berkley: CUDDLEMUFFINS! **tackles Benji**

Li: BERKLEY, I SAID CUT!

Berkley: **looks at her in surprise** I know.

**Miguel leaves, deciding Benji is not worth saving at this point.**

* * *

**Li chases all of her worker bees across set, screaming incoherently, her feet nothing but whirling white thingies surrounded by dust clouds as the background repeats itself. Hiei and Kurama watch bemused.**

* * *

**Kuwabara is in his dressing room, being filmed by Miguel.**

Kuwabara: **stares at himself in the mirror** I…am a _dude._ I am a _hunky_ dude. I'M A BAD A - - HUNKY DUDE!

* * *

**Miguel follows Li around after she receives a letter.**

Adara: Am I seeing… pink paper!?

Ava: And PURPLE ink!?

Li: It's Karasu… why do you even bother to question these things anymore? And…WHY are you wasting valuable film on this!? CUT!!

**Miguel refuses to back down and zooms in on Li's face.**

Adara: Li… one word… decaf…

Li: **scandalized gasp** Is that some kind of sick joke!? I'll have you know I can give up coffee anytime I want! s**tomps off **

Ava: So we can find you at Starbucks?

Li: YEP!

* * *

**Miguel follows some random people to stare at the wreckage of Li's trailer.**

Kurama: Whoa, what happened?

Li: The Flying Irishman Disaster of 2006… Can I stay with you and Hiei?

Hiei: **walks past **No!

Li: Ava, Adara… my dear friends…?

Both: No…

Karasu: You can stay with me.

Li: **flatly** Yeah. And I could also stand naked on a street corner in the rain shoving bamboo under my fingernails while I do the robot for rental fees.

Karasu: Um…okay…oh, nuuuuuurse…

* * *

**A lawyer enters the set.**

Lawyer: **calls** Excuse me! I'm looking for a...**consults paper** Li Celestia.

Li: OH, NO! **dives under table** I DID _NOT _TIE THAT ALLIGATOR TO THAT FIRE HYDRANT! HE DID IT TO _HIMSELF! _HE JUST WANTED ME TO GET IN TROUBLE! HE HATES ME!!! I DIDN'T DOOOO IT!!! DON'T TAKE ME AWAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!

Rob Anybody Feegle: **looks at Li's gibbering, blubbering form in concern **Ya be needin' help, miss?

Li: Ye-e-eeeees!!! **sob **THERE'S A LAWYER AFTER ME!!!

Rob Anybody: SAY NO MORE, MISS! C'MON, MEN!!! WE GOT WORK T' DO!!!

**All the Nac Mac Feegle on the premesis come pouring out of every conceivable hiding place, and immediately set their sights on Lawyer Lindsey McDonald. **

Not-As-Big-As-Medium-Size-Jock-But-Bigger-Than-We-Jock-Jock Feegle: **stops suddenly **Hey, isn't Lindsey a girl's name?

Lindsey: NO! GOD!!!

**The Nac Mac Feegle look shocked at his rudeness, and Li laughs evilly.**

Li: Oh, you should NOT have done that. **singsong voice** Someone is in trouble...

Lindsey: **pales**

**Miguel turns the camera away as the Nac Mac Feegle head for Lindsey, and we hear only Lindsey's screams and pleas for help as the Feegles carry him away...**

* * *

**Miguel goes quietly over to Hiei and Kurama and zooms in on them. They do not notice, however, due to being caught in a major liplock. **

* * *

**Miguel turns the camera on himself again. **So you see? Happy fuzzies 'round all! 

**Benji appears and steals the camera from Miguel and runs. **

Miguel: BEEEEENNNNJJJJIIII!!!! **The screen goes black.**

* * *

THE CONTEST!!!

Okay, so to wrap this all up very neatly, Li, Ava and I had this idea to make this whole story into a sort of contest. There's no prize except bragging rights, but it's fun! And isn't that the point of this whole…erm…thing?

So anyway, the contest is simple.

As you all may have noticed, much of the off-color humor in this story comes from outside sources. Some are pop-culture references, and others are quotes from TV shows, movies, and books. There are so many that I doubt _we_ could pick them all out if we went back and reread the story again! So, go through the story, and see how many _you_ can find!

Simple, right?

So…erm…how many of you are gonna choose to do it?

**Crickets chirp**

* * *

THE END!!!

…Yeah, that's right, it's really over.

Yeah, I know, we can't believe it either.

But it's true.

…Okay, you can go.

Well, after you drop a review.

Or…better idea! You can read it again!

Or go check out some of our other works! You have TWO to pick from!

Isn't that great?

**Cri—**

Oh, NOT with the crickets again!!!!!


End file.
